There's so much to be thankful for...

It is hard sometimes with all that life has handed me this year to remember this... but it is TRUE there is so much to be thankful for... and that includes having such a huge role model in my life who by being his daughter made me want to be a better person... I LOVE THE LYRICS to this song below

"Somedays, we forget to look around us,

Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,

so caught up inside ourselves, we take when we should give,

so for tonight we pray for, what we know can be,

and on this day we hope for, what we still can't see,

It's up to us, to be the change,

and even though we all can still do more, there's so much to be Thankful for,

look beyond ourselves, there's so much sorrow,

it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow each of us must find our truth,

it's so long overdue, so for tonight we pray for, what we know can be,

and everyday, we hope for, what we still can't see,

it's up to us, to be the change, and even though we all can still do more,

there's so much to be thankful for, even with our differences,

there is a place were all connected, each of us can find each others light,

So for tonight, we pray for what we know can be,

and on this day, we hope for, what we still can't see,

it's up to us, to be the change,

and even though this world can still do so much more

there's so much to be thankful for. "

I am thankful and honored to be your daughter, I only hope I can live up to the legacy you left behind! THANK YOU, DADDY! :)

A little heart ache...

Dad -

I just wanted to let you know the void that is felt with you not around. The holidays have been good, but without you there it always feels like something is missing.

I often find myself wondering what you are doing, if you've been around, how you are feeling. I wish for one brief moment I could get a glimpse of where you are!

I love you so much!!!
Amy

Another healthy dose of perspective...

Yep another healthy dose of perspective has been handed to me... just when I was about to loose mine... LUCKY ME!!! :)

Expressing Gratitude

It hasn't been all to often this year I have express gratitude for anything. I have been all too caught up in my world of emptiness and loss...

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude. I am extremely grateful for my support system... to my amazing husband, I only wish I could go back in time now I know how it feels and be more supportive. To my family who despite all of the ups and downs that have been part of this year... thank you for all you do. To my friends whom have put up with my moodiness and general grumpy attitude... I do know with time this aspect of grieving will come to an end.

I feel so blessed to have had the father figures in my life that I did. I feel fortunate to have been taken in as part of Deven's family and loved as if I was a daughter. For my amazing father whom I aspire to be more like... a day doesn't go past without a thought of him in my mind...

As the holidays approach the loss feels more real... so many traditions involved my Dad as the "heart"...

Despite the ups and downs and I grateful for all of the above and more... for these are the people and things that mold me into the person I am today...

Happy Thanksgiving (a few days late)!

Going through the motions...

Not sure what is up with me lately but I feel like I am not really here and my body is just going through motions. I hope I snap out of it soon!

Happy Birthday to my "other" Dad!

Happy Birthday Joe! It is hard to believe it has been 9 years since you passed away! I think of you often... especially when planning family trips. I remember how you loved to plan things on the "fly" and we'd have to get work off for the next week to head on some adventure you had planned. I miss your infectious laugh... your zest for life.

You left a beautiful legacy behind... I am so grateful I had an opportunity to call you "Dad"... thanks for being the wonderful man you are...

Love you... and happy birthday!

Happy Birthday Dad!

As I spend time in silence and memories of you fill my head, those of being a child and you tucking me in bed.

I often wonder where you are, if you can really see, those things that happen daily in this world where you used to be.

I think of your strength and selflessness and though I try to emulate, the task is too much to fill, your role was much too great.

Losing someone who was such a part of who I am has caused me to reflect, I try to remember what’s important and never to neglect.

I miss you every day and though we are apart, you are always watching over me and you hold a special place deep inside my heart!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!! I miss you so much!

Tears flowing again today...

"Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

Dad, not a day goes by when I don't long to be with you again. I miss you so much... I know I have said this many times before. I knew this separation would be hard... but I really had no idea how hard! I Love you!

Being grateful despite the cloud above you...

I decided today that I was going to try to adjust my attitude about the mishaps the last few days...

That being said I would like to state a few things I feel very fortunate about in my life:

1. I have amazing friends... people always seem to know when to just send a simple text to check in on a day when I feel like my world is crumbling.

2. As you've heard thousands of times, I am so lucky to have my rock, my best friend, my love, as my spouse.

3. I had the joy of being the daugther of an amazing man who showed me what true selflessness was all about... if I can only be half the person he was I will consider my life a success.

4. My sister... I feel so fortunate to have her in my life... life made us sisters... love made us the best of friends. I love you my sissy scout! :)

There are many other things I am grateful for but I just wanted to put down a few to remind myself that no matter how bad I have it... SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE. I need to stop complaining and look at the silver lining on the black cloud above!

When it rains it pours...

WOW... I used to think that if you were kind to others and stepped up to do the right things good things would happen to you... after this week I think that isn't the case.

For all my faults, I am a very dependable, realible and supportive friend/sister/daughter etc... I'd like to think that is recognized and eventually good things will come... however, I am just not so sure.

Sunday morning I got a call from my Mom that her water heater was out. Deven and I finished up a few things around the house and headed off to see what we could to do fix it. It was shot, we drained the tank and Deven loaded into the truck. Of course this would happen on a Sunday when you can't take it back to get it replaced. On our way home, I had a micro-seizure... a pretty good one too. I haven't had one for a while. I thought maybe it was stress induced until I realized I was exposed to carbon monixide in my mom's basement.

We finally got home and pulled into the driveway... our garage door would not open up. Deven thought the issue was with the opener in his truck so he hopped out to go open it from inside the house. YEAH... DONEZO... the whole opener broken... all we did was shut it to leave... and it was a gonner. You go to help out someone in need and come back to your own disaster. ARE YOU SERIOUS???

Needless to say my car was stuck inside... and so we just used the truck the rest of the day. Yesterday I got up came into work and was just not feeling it... I hadn't slept really great over the weekend and felt overwhelmed at trying to get the garage door fixed, the water heater replace and installed and felt crappy from my seizure. I worked from the office for a few hours and then from home off and on the rest of the day.

I stopped at home depot to turn in the old water heater since it was still under warranty (even though they didn't make that model anymore). An hour later I finally got everything sorted out, I paid for the "upgrade" and headed to my mom's to drop it off. Right when I pulled up to my mom's to unload it... DOWNPOUR... OKAY ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??? Jim, Dawn and I all unloaded it and brought it inside. Later on someone came over and put it downstairs... but we came over later to hook it up.

While at my Mom's dropping the water heater off I get a phone call that my water has been shut off. MY WATER??? I paid my bill. Lucky me, as my lucky streak would have it... they ran the charge after I had received my new debit card, they used the old expiration date so the bank denied the charge. You'd think they'd notify you right??? Yeah supposedly I got a shut off notice. WOULD I IGNORE SUCH A THING??? I think not... Needless to say 6 hours later and a ridiculously expensive reconnect fee... water was back on.

Then back to my Mom's to install the water heater... first time fittings were missing... off to Lowe's... second time fittings we bought didn't work... off to Lowe's... third time fittings work and we are just about done. Then Deven tries to open a tube using my Dad's rusty scissors... not a wise idea... the remainder of the evening spent at the Instacare... a few stitches and a tetnus shot later he was good to go!

LIFE... yeah it is all about doing good so good comes your way right?

DAD, if you have any pull up there can you tell them we've had more than our fair share this week???

I am trying to use the power of positive thinking... just hope it turns things around because this isn't fun!

My amazing hubby!!!

Sometimes when you are with someone for several years, you tend to get into a groove and just begin to lose sight of how great they are...

MY HUBBY IS AMAZING... I am so lucky I have such a supportive hubby! He goes with the flow when things get a little chaotic. He DEFINITELY keeps me grounded. I noticed that my tolerances are low... and my whining and complaining is at an all time high... yet he still loves me despite it all!

I just had to say how lucky I am to have him in my life... he is my rock... my best friend...

LOVE YOU HONEY...

Just a few thoughts...

Dad -

You have been on my mind since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I still am having a hard time absorbing the fact that you aren't here with us any more. I keep waiting for you to return from some trip and be able to feel your comforting hug.

I wonder how things are going for you. Are you able to do whatever you want or are you on some schedule? Do you look the same? Do you finally get to enjoy food? Are all of our dogs with you? I could ask a million questions but most of them would be somehow related to how you are.

I have been a bit frustrated lately, and unfortunately I haven't been able to stick to my "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" rule of thumb. Unfortunately people can't just step up and act like adults. I find myself having to babysit in order to keep my promises to you. I think you must have known how hard this was going to be for me because I remember you telling me to try to keep the peace.

I realize that you sheltered me from alot of what you had been doing, going through etc on a daily basis. I know you were amazing... but since you have been gone, I have realize you were BEYOND amazing.

I feel so lucky you were my Dad!

I love you and miss you more every day!
Amy

Gonna be an uphill battle... sometimes I am gonna have to lose

BOY... what a week. Sometimes I feel like I am in over my head. I just have to keep reminding myself... "it's not how fast I get there... it's not what's waiting on the other side... it's the climb". So for now I just keep climbing... :)

Seagull Babies...

Yesterday as I was driving into work, I began to realize that I won't see my Dad again for a very long time. Then I began to panic wondering if I will NEVER see him again. I can't imagine never seeing him again. I am not sure what I believe as far as life after this, but I do know that going on knowing I won't see him again is unbearable so now I live with the hope that I will.

My sister texted me later on in the day mentioning she was at the dump and how it reminded her of Dad. I know that seems odd... but it is the little things that sometimes bring back memories. She said it makes her think of how my Dad used to call me his Seagull baby and tell me he was going to take me back to the dump to live with the Seagulls. I had almost forgotten about that but then in that brief statement, the memories flooded my mind and I recalled this glass seagull Dad bought to hang from the window because it reminded him of me.

I miss him so much, but I am grateful for the memories I have of the wonderful father, example, hero and friend he was to me!

Miss you Daddy!

Will I ever feel "normal" again???

This morning as I was working out I began contemplating why so many people comment on the fact that I am not the same. I can see that my happy isn't as happy as it once was, my demeanor is a little different. I know life isn't ever going to be the same, and I honestly do feel like a part of me died in January, but I still feel like me.

I have definitely changed my view on what is important in life. I look forward to spending time with my family it used to feel like an obiligation some times, but after seeing how precious life is and the fact you can't get back time, I enjoy what time I do have.

I know I feel like spending time with my hubby and puppy trumph everything that may need to be done around the house. Just to know that we are on limited time makes me feel like I don't want to miss a moment.

I am not sure I was ever "normal" but I do hope that those around me can learn to recognize that I am still the same person. I may never be the same, and although I may be a little lost, I am finding my way.

I want to say Thank you for my "support system"... I love and appreciate that you are behind me with every step I take!

I wonder what triggers it...

Dad -

WOW... another morning full of tears. I wonder what triggers it. I wonder if it is because you are near by and I can sense you more or if it is just the longer you are gone the more I miss you!!!

I was thinking about you sense of humor this morning those jokes you'd crack about the ears in the corn field etc... You were always so sure your jokes would make us laugh and they did mainly because we couldn't believe you'd tell them.

Today feels like a Daddy Hug kind of day... too bad you aren't here to give me one. I recall driving over to your house and making up an excuse (not that I needed one) so I could just feel your tight bear squeeze. What I wouldn't do to feel it one more time.

I wonder if people wonder why I am still struggling so bad with losing you... it has been almost 5 months... but you were such a part of who I am that I feel like I am mourning a loss of part of me as well.

The reunion was last weekend and it wasn't the same without you. I made jumbleberry cobbler in your memory... I wished you were there to eat it. Deven was supposed to work and when we got up there his phone didn't have reception. He helped us unpack and then was getting ready to head back to town to work. I lost it... COMPLETELY LOST IT... will I ever learn to control my emotions? I felt abandoned at the thought of him leaving and you not being there... I can't explain it really other than I just felt lost. I told Deven I didn't know if I could do it as he drove away. About an hour later he pulled back up next to the trailer. He couldn't watch me cry...

I miss you sooo much!

Love you,
Amy

Getting ready to go camping...

Well it is that time of the year for our annual summer family reunion with my Mom's side of the family. Last year Dad was there and still in the middle of Chemo. He was taking care of everything and everyone as always.

This year it quite different. I am preparing to take my Mom and the kids with me. I am planning the meals, doing the shopping, packing the trailer (of course my sweet hubby is helping) and putting it all together for the whole crew.

We are doing dutch-oven cooking in memory of my Dad who loved it... and his favorite was his famous jumbleberry cobbler which is a must... DAD MUST LIVE ON!!!

Wish me luck putting it all together... there will be pictures uploaded to facebook and possibly the blog after the event!

Miss you Dad!

Happy Father's Day... Dad!

Dad -

I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day... it's our first one without you here! It hardly seems fair to have a holiday to celebrate Dad's when you are no longer around. I know it's not all about me,but somedays I feel like it should be! (I know you taught me better than that.)

I heard your voice on my voicemail the other day... and it made me smile. I wish that I could call you back...

I have had both you and Deven's Dad on my mind alot this week. The time seems so short since both of you have been gone... Have you seen Deven's Dad?

I want you to know that you are an AMAZING Dad and I feel so fortunate to have been able to spend 35 years with you!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!! I LOVE YOU!
Amy

"Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

How I became Dorky Dora...

Well as a child I must say that highlight of my day was my parents reading to me at night. I recall that most often I would ask for my Dad to read to me... mostly because he did the funny voices. We had these Sesame Street Encyclopedias... they were some of my favorites because of the funny stories. I fell in love with a particular story about the "Dorky Daughter Dora and the Duke of Dundee"... it was full of nothing but the letter D... Dad and I would laugh for hours. He started calling me his Dorky Daughter Dora... and it just stuck.

Here is the story for your entertainment:

Dozens of years ago. In a drafty castle. Duke David of Dundee did dwell. Duke David was dumpy but dignified. And he had a darling daughter named Dora who was a delight.

One day Dora danced through the door in the dear little dress decorated with Daffodils. "Doodley-doo, doodley-doo", Dora sang, as she danced. "Oh, hello, dear, dumpy daddy", said Dora to Duke David of Dundee.

"Dora, my darling, dimpled daughter", said Duke David. "You are indeed delightful, so I have a dandy present for you."

"Do tell," said Dora. "Do describe this doo-dad, daddy".

"It is a dazzling Diamond D dangling from a chain!" So,hanging the D around Dora's dimpled neck, Duke David of Dundee departed through the door.

Although Dora and Duke David didn't know it, someone else dwelt in the castle. This someone was Donald, the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee.

"I am Donald, the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee. I live in a dungeon downstairs in Duke David's dwelling. It is a deep dungeon, a dark dungeon - a deep, dark, damp, dank, dreary dungeon. It is a dump!"

Donald used dozens of D words - which was the only nice thing you could say about him. Otherwise he was a dud.

Donald the Dragon dashed from his dungeon, directly to Duke David's dandy daisy patch. "I am dashing from my dungeon to steal the Diamond D that Duke David gave his daughter Dora," he said.

Donald, the doer of dark deeds, drifted into the daisy patch. Dora, daughter of duke David, saw the dreadful dragon and dropped a drooping daisy from her dainty dimpled hand. She danced directly up to Donald the Dragon and declared, "Well, look who's here - a dear doggie! Hi there, doggie."

Donald disbelieved his droopy ears. "Doggie?" he screamed. "Did you say doggie?"

"Definitely," said Dora.

"Well, I do declare!" said Donald. "If Dora, the dignified Duke David's daughter thinks that I, Donald the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee, am a doggie, then Dora is dumb!"

"But you're the dearest doggie I've ever seen," Dora declared. "Do come and dwell in our castle, doggie dear, and I'll give you this Diamond D which my doting daddy draped around my dimpled neck."

"Don't doggie me!" Donald roared, darting toward Dora, determined to grab the Diamond D.

Suddenly, Duke David dashed into the daisy patch. Diving between darling Dora and Dreadful Donald, the Duke drove Donald around and around the daisy patch. The dismal dragon ducked, dodged, darted and dashed through the ducklings and the daisies until the Duke dumped him into the duck pond.

"Daddy dear," said Dora, "why did you do that?"

"Because that dreadful, dishonest dragon was determined to steal the dazzling Diamond D from around your dainty, dimpled neck," said the Duke.

"Dragon?" said Dora. "I'll be darned! He looked like a doggie to me."

"You're dorky but you're adorable, Dora," said Duke David, "so here's what we'll do. From this day on this dreadful dragon will dwell in a dog house, dine on dog biscuits, and do doggie tricks to delight my divine daughter Dora - or else!"

"Or else what?" Donald demanded.

"I'll dump you in the duck pond again!"

"Bow-wow," said Donald. "I'm a doggie."

And so David, Duke of Dundee, and his delightful daughter Dora lived happily ever after with Donald the Doggie, who used to be a dreadful dragon.

Wow... a walk down memory lane! Love you Dad for all the great memories you created with me!

Missing you today...

Dad -

I woke up this morning with that empty feeling again. I kept thinking to myself if I could just have one more hug... but I am afraid all that would do is leaving me wanting for one more after that.

I know they say you are in heaven watching over us... but I just wish I could see you, talk to you and just have you back without the physical issues you had here on earth.

A day doesn't go by when I don't think of you... but somedays for some reason are harder than others.

I hope that where ever you are... you never forget how much a part of me you were... and still are. I knew this separation would be hard, but by far it is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure... I am sure this hasn't been easy on you either.

Jessi graduated from highschool last week and turned 18 this week. I remember how much you wanted to be there for both. She is an amazing young woman and I know you are proud of her.

Mom seems to be hanging in, but I just don't know how to truly comfort her. I am doing my best to keep my promise to you to take care of her.

Wendy planted a vegetable garden in your memory this year... I think she thinks of you every time she is out there in it.

I am trying to stay strong... but today I couldn't help but cry!

I love you so much,
Amy

More Tears...

Today I called to check on my Dad's headstone... they told me it was there and to come up and look at it.

MY DAD'S NAME STARRING ME IN THE FACE ON A HEADSTONE...

Tears flowed... alone in the cemetary... and all the way back to work!

IMC Memorial Service

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for all those people who had lost loved ones over the past year who were treated at IMC hospitals.

I don't think I was quite ready for such things... but my Mom wanted to go and so I attended with her. I did okay until the first musical number. It was "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. That song reminds me of both my Dad's whom I have lost to Cancer... (My Dad and Dad-in-Law)... Tears began flowing... and it was down hill from there.

At the end of the service they read a list of those who had passed and asked everyone to come up and say the name of their loved one. This isn't something I like to do... all eyes on me isn't my cup of tea (yes, I did speak at my Dad's funeral with all eyes on me... but it was for him) so of course I muster up my composure and spoke his name into the microphone "Gary Allen Clayton"... to hear those words still today seem surreal. NOT MY DAD... he isn't gone... no way he was gonna outlive me.

Racing for the cure...

WOW... what a powerfully moving experience again this year. At the beginning of the race we hear Miley Syrus song "The Climb..." the chorus goes like this "There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waiting on the otherside... It's the climb" It got me quite emotional as I looked ahead to a "sea" of people and my sister by my side. I know she will be here for me as "I climb"... I thought of how bad my Dad had wanted to walk with us again this year, and for a moment I almost felt him there with us!

I finally choked back the tears and walked. As the walk continued... I finally caught up to my dear friend Mandi and her Mom... knowing the support system I have in life it is a VERY powerful thing.

At the end the honored the survivors... WOW... to see all of those brave people who have fought the battle and won. It was awe inspiring. My cousin Laurie is a SURVIVOR... I look at her strength and find it so admirable.

I am so glad I chose to wake up early on my Saturday morning to yet again be part of something much bigger than myself!

Why must I feel the need to torture myself?

This morning I decided that I wanted to just get a few tears out of the way. I got to work... put in the DVD that was made for my Dad's viewing and just sat in my office and cried. I usually get here a few hours before anyone else... it gave me a chance alone without interuption to just think.

I thought maybe getting a few tears out would alleviate some of this built up anger... YEAH no such luck! Instead it has left me trying to work when all I can think about is my Dad. Sometimes I wonder where I get my bright ideas!

Woke up with that feeling of emptiness

My cousin's husband's father passed away two days ago. She and I have always been really close. We have camped together, vacationed together, BBQed together etc... My heart aches for his loss.

I have had my Dad on my mind almost non-stop since I can remember... even before he passed away. I constantly worried about his health and always tried to think a step ahead on what more I could do for him. Last night as I sat up watching TV, my thoughts drifted yet again to him. I recalled times when I was a child catching nightcrawlers in the backyard... reminisced of us building the camp fire together... going to Hawaii with he and my Mom... our Disneyland trips... all good memories. It is just amazing how by thinking about him I felt the hole in my heart that was left by his passing grow bigger. I literally felt the pain in my heart.

This morning when the alarm went off, I got up and went downstairs in normal routine to do my cardio and start the day. As I began my work out I felt off... I am not sure how to describe it other than I just simply didn't feel complete. I felt like part of me was in a distant place. I worked out and eventually the feeling started to fade from the forefront of my mind. By the time I went upstairs to awaken my prince charming from his slumber my thoughts had refocused to the tasks of the day ahead.

I know that life must continue, Dad would want it that way. I just wish I could feel his arms wrapped around me in a deep daddy bear hug... I am not sure if it would help sooth the soul or leave me longing to have him around more... either way I think about it often. He always hugged me so tight that there was no doubt in my mind how much he loved me.

I think a vacation is in store... both Deven and I could use a little time away. I hope the weather warms up so that we can take the trailer out and at least get away for a few days since the pocket book doesn't allow for a true vacation right now!

Another death in the family

Yesterday we had to put my Mom's oldest minature Schnauzer to sleep. She has been a part of our family for 13 years now. She was the first of the "pack" and was the source of much comfort to my Mom over the years.

It is hard to say good-bye to a pet. My brave sister was with Princess when she passed. In the few moments they gave her alone with Princess, she said these words " Princess, Dad will be there to take care of you on the other side, please tell him hi for us"...

Thank you Sissy for being there with her. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for you!

Princess may you rest in peace and run free without the health issues you had here on this earth, and if you are with Dad... give him loves for us all!

I heard his voice...

Yesterday afternoon I was checking my voicemail on my phone, I had just recently bought a new phone and believed when doing so I had lost all of my old voicemails. I used to save every message from my Dad. My voicemail says... you have a message from 801-231-1553... I felt my heart beat slightly faster... "Hi Amy, this is your Dad, give me a call"... Then I hear from October 27, 2009. At first it was like... am I losing it? It was bittersweet I must say to hear his voice again after two months. In a way it was a warm hug... in another way it was gut wrenching because I realize yet again he isn't here.

A lot on my mind...

I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sometimes wonder why I feel the need to complain. I honestly believe you should only complain about things if you are willing to change them... if not... then why bother. I find my self lately complaining about things that I can't or that won't be changing.

Last week we celebrated my amazing husband's birthday. It is hard to believe that we are getting to that point where we have almost been together more years then we were apart. It has been a journey watching each of us change in so many ways over the years as we have learned more about who we are as individuals and as a couple. I really wanted to do something BIG for him because he has been so AMAZING through all we have been through these past years. He never once complained that I wasn't home or that I neglected things in our household to take care of my Dad. However, my hubby had other plans... he wanted to skip over it all together. We did go to dinner just the two of us... but I just felt like I should have done more.

Over the past few months I really have a new appreciation for my father. He was always a "super hero" in my mind... but now that I have stepped up to the plate in taking care of my Mom... my eyes have opened to really how much he did for her. With my Mom's immobility... my Dad really did EVERYTHING. I am now realizing I am the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Birthday shopper... you get the point. I just need to keep that in mind so I am not scrambling at the last minute trying to help my Mom figure it all out!

Work has been a source of heartache and great feelings of inadequacy... we just began a new venture and it has been a HUGE learning curve. I feel like I am starting over in a business I felt like I was good at... I guess only time will tell if I can get past it all and work it out. If not... I may have to discover a new career to avoid a complete breakdown.

Here's to another day... I keep plugging away!

His shoes are too big...

I received a phone call this morning from my Mom in tears. She doesn't feel well and my Dad used to take such great care of her when he was here. It is at times like these I realize that when my Dad left me "in charge" of things financially... my family assumed I'd take on the role of "Dad/Husband".

I can't fill his shoes... they are much too big! My Dad was the rock... the glue... the force that we all turned to when times were tough. I am not capable of being "him" it just isn't possible.
I get phone calls about some of the craziest things my family feels like I should take charge of... and I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

When my Dad and I talked he asked me to promise him two things... 1. to try to keep the peace... 2. to take care of my Mom. I am not succeeding at either one... in fact I am pretty much failing in general. My head isn't in the game... it is off wondering what I should do, should know, should be... and it leaves me feeling empty and lost in a huge world around me.

Dad, what I wouldn't give for one last daddy/daughter talk, for one last hug, for one last moment. I always said this would be one of the hardest things I ever went through... but little did I know it would be this hard.

"TRIPLE BROKE"

Well it is official... my first break down since the death of my Dad. Yesterday on my way home from work my car began losing power... I quickly got out of the busy rush-hour traffic and pulled into a parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, I proceeded to call my hubby. I explained to him what was happening and he walked me through a few possible fixes over the phone. Nothing worked... he decided he would have to come to my "rescue"... and told me to sit in the car with it off until he got there.

I hung up the phone and immediately without thinking tears began to fall... not just a few... but MANY MANY tears. I realized at that moment... my Dad was not around to be the next call I made. Normally in this situation... I would have picked up the phone after calling Deven to get my Dad's opinion (of course I would tell him to not tell Deven I called)... There was noone to call...

I sat there... broken car... broken heart... broken down...

Deven did arrive and "rescue" me... we drove the car home... over-heating and losing power. Still not sure what is wrong with it... but I do know yesterday I was "triple broken"... who knows how many more of those are to come!

I missed my "Happy Ground Hogs" day post...

I realized that I totally skipped over my "birthday" post which would have included how much I had learned in the passing year... and how much I looked forward to the new year. This year is a little different, loosing one of your best friends/father two days before your birthday, will do that!

I must say that several people reminded me that although I didn't feel like celebrating, my Dad celebrated that day because I came into his life. Having my Dad be my Dad is definitely cause for celebration. I was so fortunate to have him be a part of my everyday life for almost 36 years.

Every birthday since my Dad was diagnosed when it came time to blow my candles out... my wish was for my Dad to make it to my next birthday free from pain. I guess looking back it sounds somewhat selfish... but I just wanted to have him here as long as his quality of life was there.

This year there was no birthday cake... no birthday celebration... I spent most the day in tears over the loss of someone who meant the world to me.

My hubby was amazing... he took the day off. He made me a special breakfast and spent the day catering to me. I took my Mom shopping to get something to wear to the funeral...hung out with Deven... and finished the day off with popcorn for my birthday dinner. I guess they say whatever you have to do to get through the day... and in this case it was COMPLETELY true.

I do know that the year ahead will be full of much sadness as I learn how to deal with the grieving processes. I have lost other people before... but this is MY DAD... it is COMPLETELY different this time around. I hope that I can work through this all with dignity and grace, with an appreciation for the support system I have built around me. I hope to acknowledge the people who make a difference in my life more often. I have definitely learned "don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today..." For you never know if tomorrow will come... If you will have that last chance to say I love you, you mean the world to me.

So here's to being more mindful of each day... may this year be a year of self-discovery and growth...to being 36...

"You're such a part of who I am... now that part will just be void... "

I am too emotional right now to say anything other than... I miss him so much! I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I drove passed the hospital on my way to work today and completely lost it...

DEEP BREATHS AND ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER...

CHEMOTHERAPY... SUCKS ASS!!!

I just have a few things to get off my chest...

1. CHEMOTHERAPY SUCKS ASS
2. WHY IS IT WHEN SOMETHING IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BETTER IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO TERRIBLE FIRST??
3. WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT IS THERE OBLIGATION TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO GIVEN THE CURRENT SITUATION?
4. WHY DO I FEEL SO ANGRY AGAIN?
5. WHY MY DAD???

That is all for now! I will wait to truly blog until my mood is better!

Our Houston "Adventure"...

This is pretty much the easiest way to keep everyone in the "know" so here is the "scoop"...

Sunday - We arrived in Houston, after the plane ride etc... Dad was wiped out. We checked into the hotel and then had him lay down. My sister and I walked across the street to get Subway and brought food back to the room for us to eat. My Dad was up long enough to eat, then back to sleep again. He was in extreme pain, so we just let him rest. We did our thing... (worked out... wandered around the hotel... walked to the Fiesta Mart across the street) my Dad slept. We woke him up to eat dinner in the room since he was still not doing great.

That night... my Dad moaned most of the night. I couldn't sleep... every time he moaned my heart longed to just fix him!

Monday - This is when the hospital "fun" begins... We meet with the "team" at MD Anderson Medical Center. My Dad has a good team there, his nurse is very patient and explains everything in detail to us. They determined they wanted to put my Dad on this clinical trial that specializes in "BONE CANCER". Before this can all be done, we have to do a MILLION tests to make sure he is strong enough etc. This particular treatment involves aggressive chemo therapy coupled with injectable radiation. MD Anderson is the only hospital currently doing this particular treatment. Since we live in Utah, they determined that they would work with Huntsman Cancer to give his chemo here while working closely with them. Every 8 weeks we will be traveling back to Houston to have test ran and results checked.

After the consultation etc with the "team" off for a chest x-ray, EKG, blood tests etc...

That night still no sleep for me, but my Dad seemed to be in a little less pain. He was sick... but was not in as much pain.

Tuesday - Back to the hospital early morning... full body bone scan and an appointment with a support specialist team. This is a group that specializes in the symptoms Cancer patients experience. We met with several nurses etc there and then a new pain medication regiment was decided on. They altered my Dad's medication to give him a time release- type pain medication to assist in fighting his constant pain. They also gave him something to assist with the pain when he has serious pain in between doses.

When we got back to the hotel that evening. I gave Dad this new medication regiment, he slept better than he has in months. Wish I could have slept... but alas I just listened to him breath...

Wednesday - We had the morning off...so my Dad, my sister and I went to see a movie. The day before Dad insisted on walking the "skybridge" because he didn't realize how far of a walk it was. He was HURTING and could barely walk unassisted.

Off to the hospital for CT scans... My cute Dad has such a great sense of humor. Despite his pain, he was cracking jokes about all the yummy drinks they give you before the test and all the fun procedures they do to prepare you! I was laughing so hard... he is SOOOO BRAVE!!!

My sister and I had a heart to heart in the waiting room... tears were shed.

We were at the hospital until about 10:30 by the time we were at the hotel and in bed it was almost 11:30... LONG DAY FOR DAD... and you could tell it he was loosing his "momentum"

Thursday - We had to be to the hospital by 6:30... "no rest for the wicked"... My Dad was super sick this morning... probably because of all the yummy drinks he had the night before.

We arrived at the hospital and met with the Clinical Trial nurse... signed the consent forms... and met with the doctor to go over his results. They showed us my Dad's bone scan... I think my this was not a good thing for my Dad to see!!! The cancer is in ALL of his bones and has pentrated into some of the marrow (he still has some good marrow)! Dad's cancer is bad, we know that, it's not a surprise. However, when it is "starring you in the face" it is a whole different story. Good News... no organ infiltration (at this point at least on the scans they took) Bad News... cancer has become agressive and is EVERYWHERE in the bones...

We finished up with the doctor and headed to the Chemo area. My Dad was awfully quiet for the ride (he was being pushed by yours truly in a wheel chair)... Chemo began. Dad was still very quiet... I don't like wondering what he is thinking so I just plain ask. "Dad, what are you thinking?" "I don't know if I like what the doctor said... how much time is this going to buy me... is it even worth it" The sound of discouragement in my father's voice was ripping me from the inside out. As I sat there not knowing what to say as my Dad continues "I think I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown... and it will probably happen before this day is over". My Dad isn't a crier. I have probably seen him cry 6 times my entire life... 2 times in the past few weeks.

We finished up chemo and then off to the airport... time to go home.

When the plane touched ground my sense of strength began to crumble. I still held it in, but it was becoming more difficult. Deven picked us up at the airport. We dropped Dad off first and got him all settled in. When my Dad gave my Mom a hug, she whispered she loved him... that is all it took and the tears started to flow. I took a deep breath and looked at my hubby for strength and somehow I held it together. We made a list of his new medications and when to take them. Then our good-bye's and then dropped Wendy off before heading home.

I thought I had it all together... then as I was unpacking I just started to cry. I HATE that my DAD has to go through this... I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THIS AWAY...

I hope that this new chemo regiment works for the pain, I can't bare to see him suffer...

Some good news... some bad news... mostly overwhelming. Lack of sleep... emotionally worn out, I sit here in my office this morning and think of my sweet DAD... I LOVE YOU, DAD!