Reflecting on 2009...

As always, here is my "good-bye" to 2009 and my "wishes" for 2010...

2009 as many years before was a year of personal growth for me... yet again discovering things about myself I never knew. I guess life is about constantly changing and becoming a better version of yourself. I only hope I am becoming a better me! I look back on the emotional, mental and physical obstacles placed in my path and know I still must have so much yet to become.

One of my favorite songs is by a band called Linkin' Park... the song is entitled "Leave Out All The Rest"... the words in the Chorus are what have become so meaningul for me...



"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind
Some Reasons to be missed.

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest,
Leave out all the rest"


The words are something I think about daily as I strive to leave behind "reasons to be missed"!

I want people in my life to look back after I have left this life and feel like I have made an impact on their life for the better. As a result of Dad's health deteriorating, I have found myself reflecting back on my own life... wondering what things would be said about me when I am gone.

In 2010... I am anticipating many more "bumps" in the road ahead... but with them comes growth.

As I say good-bye to 2009, may I never forget...those paths that have crossed mine... those people who make me want to become a better person... and the trials that have molded me into the person I am today.

As I say hello to 2010... may it be a year in which I enrich those peoples lives who enrich mine... may I seize every opportunity to spend time wisely as time is something that can't be given back... and may I be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend!


BRING ON 2010!!!

2009 is almost over...

I guess plans have changed yet again, we are headed to Houston in January. My Dad and his two daughters... hopefully he will have enough strength to make it through the trip!

I am not sure what 2010 has in store... but I am preparing myself for the rollercoaster ride...

Can I take my last post back?

Well I guess sometimes you get what you ask for... even if you suddenly realize it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday was my Dad's doctor's appointment. I was suddenly brought down to the realization that what my heart had been telling was truly the reality... and I don't like it one bit. I guess it is one thing to tell yourself something but it is entirely different when you hear it out of the doctor's mouth.

We discussed my Dad's treatment and his options at this point. We also talked about the whole Houston Clinical Trial... and the doctor was FUMING that my Dad had not received any feedback!

I guess rather than rambling on... I need to spit it out... but then I am reading the words again... and those feelings I am afraid will come rushing back. I guess as long as I am alone at the office and noone can see my tears I will be okay...

My Dad's doctor basically said... it seems as if all of our options have only made you feel worse not better... and it seems as though despite the fight the cancer continues to spread. He discussed one last option... but was very vocal about the fact it may not help and could make matters worse again. They are going to do a injectable radiation... we were skeptical to begin with after knowing all the complications that arose from his last radiation. My Dad's esophagus was damaged and thus ensued his vomiting and lack of taste... and this horrible lingering taste that is not pleasant at all. The only reason we opted to give this a try is because it is injected into exactly where his tumors are and has little side-effects...

After this option he will have to wait a month to begin the clinical trial, that is if he ends up being eligible. If not... then this is pretty much it.

My Dad's doctor said that if we chose not to do the injectable radiation (but we did decide to do that) that at this point his suggestion was to give Dad whatever pain medications he may need to keep him comfortable... and ultimately wait for the cancer to take his life. Hearing those words... I looked at my father to see his face... the look of defeat momentarily filled his eyes... and I CHOKED BACK THE TEARS LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I looked over at my mom who was sitting on the other side of me to see tears well up in her eyes. I grabbed both their hands... squeezing them tightly.

I think we have known based on recent developments that my Dad's cancer is beginning to take its toll... he rests almost more than he doesn't... and when you look at him you can tell he isn't well. IT IS HEARING THOSE WORDS... LET CANCER TAKE YOUR LIFE... from the doctor that made me realize my instincts were correct... Dad's time it becoming more and more limited. I know he still has more fight... but the battle is becoming tougher to endure.

I want my Dad to continue to fight as long as he has quality of life... but when the time comes that the pain is too much to endure... I hope he will go quickly! I am certainly not giving up on him... and I feel fortunate every day I wake up to know that he is still here with me.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart"

I believe my Dad has much more life to live... in his courage and strength... I gain my own courage and strength. DAD, YOU ARE MY HERO!!

Hoping for some answers...

Today we go to the doctor... here is hoping for some answers on the next step. I worry about my Dad as he is "resting" more and more often. The littlest things drain his energy down to nothing...

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!

Nothing like the waiting game...

Well apparently urgency isn't a word used often out there... and promises of timelines are never kept! I think that I should be used to that by now... but I always hope the next turn will bring something different.

My Dad has been really sick lately... its not good. He used to just be plain tired... but now he is sick and tired. He is still fighting... and I love that about him!

I am really struggling to get into Christmas this year. It's not even just about the current situation in my family. I just hate that Christmas has become so much about expectations. It takes the fun out of gifting... It makes it so it seems like a chore.

I am looking for an attitude adjustment... I just hope I find it soon! :)

Strength... I am beginning to think I've forgotten what that is...

Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!

While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"

Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!

I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.

I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???

Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...

Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"

Radiation? Are you sure that's a good idea?

My Dad called his doctor yesterday, he was told to go up LDS hospital today so they could tatoo him for his radiation. WOW... seems like a speedy decision without any formal discussion.

I think I am somewhat tainted when it comes to radiation after I have personally seen what it can do to a person. Don't get me wrong, I want my Dad's pain to be alleviated, but I think sometimes the "cure" is worse than the "pain"... I just wished I had a chance to talk to the doctor so I felt better about the decision.

Here I go digging deep again for the strength to be supportive and help my Dad through this next phase!

Lost...

Here I am getting ready to post yet again... seems like I repeat myself over and over... but I think sometimes it is more so for me to actually get things to SINK in.

My Dad has not been having very good days lately, while the fever thing everynight seems to have eneded... another obstacle jumps in the path.

Yesterday, My Mom called to talk to me about Thanksgiving... and said my Dad was in a bad way. I immediately insist she gets him on the phone... and proceed through our normal conversation which goes something like this: "Hey my Favorite Dad, how are you feeling?" to which he's response is always "Oh... I am doing fine" to which my response has become... "Come on Dad... it's me... HOW ARE YOU REALLY"... After this line of questioning I eventually get to the bottom of what is up with him. Yesterday, he was in pain. He was experiencing odd pain in his upper back and chest, accompanied by some difficulty breathing. We talked and he seemed like things were okay.

On my way home from work, I stopped by Rick and Lisa's house (they live next door) to drop off some loan paperwork. I decided to pop in next door just to see how everything was going. I came in... found Roxanne and Phil in the front room and no parent's around. My Mom is always in her chair by the front door... and I knew immediately something was not right. Echo says to me Grandpa went to the hospital they think he may have blood clots. I try calling my parents cell phones to find out where they are and if they need anything... there are NO answers. I call Andrea who drove them up there and got the details. Back into the car and off to the Emergency room at the IMC Hospital.

We were there for SEVERAL hours while they poked, proded and tested my Dad for just about everything under the sun related to his symptoms. They finally ruled out he "blood clot" theory at about 9:15. The ER doctor pulled Dad's most recent bone scan and showed us a picture of where the cancer was.... WOW... looking at "CANCER" for the first time... seeing my Dad's body and knowing exactly where things were... A REALITY CHECK AGAIN. Turns out where my Dad's pain is there is a "high concentration" of bone cancer. They are talking about doing Radiation... but we won't know until Dad calls Dr. Nibley today.

After dropping my parents off, I headed home... couldn't get the thought of my poor Dad and his pain out of my head. I hardly slept at all... "ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

Yesterday was my Dad's 71st Birthday... DEFINITELY SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE! Still so young... although these past few months the battle is taking it's toll!

On Saturday, I had the family over for dinner and cake/icecream. When the family gets together it is never a small group... 36 total if EVERY member was there, 17 of us were there. It is always a good time when we get together to eat and visit.

Sunday, we stopped by my parent's place to fix the computer... we spent a few hours visiting. Towards the end of the visit my Dad started getting shakey again. Apparently it is now a nightly ritual... Dad gets shakey... takes temperature... temperature is high... takes Tylenol... lays in bed with a blanket to warm up... finally goes away in a few hours. He didn't go lay in bed... but he did have a temperature and did take Tylenol. When I was hugging him good-bye. His forehead was warm and sweaty... his hands cold as ice... and I MEAN COLD AS ICE... my back was cold for about 20 minutes after he touched me.

We mentioned the whole fever thing to the doctor and he seemed non-concerned about it. I on the otherhand can't imagine having a nightly fever is good and that there isn't an underlying issue. I guess we will find out when Dad goes back in a few weeks. Until then... we "just keep swimming swimming... "

Not sure what to think...

Well here it is over a month has passed without anything more to say! I sometimes feel like it is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling so I just keep things bottled inside... not the best idea... but it is an idea that I pratice on a regular basis.

Since my Dad's last doctor's appointment the issues I'd hope would disappear have been slow to do so... or basically haven't disappeared at all. My Dad's feet are still swollen... he doesn't feel all that great EVER... yeah that is right EVER. He is just plan worn out...

The other night I stopped by to visit with my parents and help them make some decisions financially for their future. As my Dad and I sat at the table going through paperwork discussing the best options and sorting through everything, my Dad said to me for the first time ever since his battle began says "with the way I am feeling I am not sure I will be around much longer"... I sat their baffled that my Dad the postive one through all of this just said that to me. I have begged him to be open with me so I am not "blindsided" by anything that happens with regards to his health... but those words made my heart stop beating.

I tried to not cry at least not in front of him... as we finished up the paperwork I just kept thinking is he warning me? Is it just him wanting me to be in perspective of how he feels? What should I think/do?

On the way home I told Deven what was said and broke down slightly as the words escaped my mouth. My sweet husband reminded me maybe I needed to be more available to go see my Dad, to not loose track of the days between visits... so I think that is the goal for now. Deven is my Rock... 8 years ago yesterday we lost his amazing father to a battle with cancer.

My Mom said the other day... Your Dad never has a good day... I lost it again then.

I appreciate the fact that I still have my Dad... EVERY DAY... YES EVERY DAY... I feel lucky that he is still here... every birthday I wish for him to make it to my next... for his quality of life... for him to be happy!

This next week we go to the doctor so I guess we will see what the next step is...

STRENGTH... BEING STRONG... an attribute I wish I encompassed more of... But I put one foot in front of the other... and a smile on my face!

I LOVE YOU DAD!

Full of mixed emotions

Well today is the first time in a long time I cried with a friend. I guess it is okay to break down every once in a while, right? I have been trying all day to sort through all that is going on in my head. Feelings of relief, being scared, wondering what lies ahead... some days I just feel lost in myself!

My Dad had his appointment for Chemo #9 today (although that didn't happen). My Dad and I are what we refer to as "Chemo Buddies" I have been to every appointment all along the way.

My Dad had a bone scan yesterday to determine the progression of his bone cancer. Today... we received the results... my Dad, the doctor and me... all in a room. As I hear the news I am torn... should I be happy? should I be sad? should I be scared? I look at the doctor for any expression "grasping at straws" on whether I should panic or just know this is another step in the road. The doctor as he looks over the results says... "well it is good news, the activity on the previous scan was healing not spreading..." a pause "however, it looks like you have new lesions on your left hip"... room closes in and I glance back and forth from doctor to Dad.

As a background... I should say that my Dad has been participating in a clinical trial to try to find better treatments for prostate cancer. He has been taking clinical trial medication and been monitored by a group of doctors determining how well the treatment is working. We don't know if my Dad is receiving the actual pill or a placebo instead. Due to the risks involved because there is additional new activity, the clinical trial is coming to an end. Here is where the torn feelings come in, my Dad has been super sick with Chemo, and all kinds of things are going on with his body... No clinicial trial = no more Chemo (at this time)... no Chemo = Dad's body gets a chance to recover and heal... NO CHEMO... GREAT NEWS... NEW CANCER BAD NEWS... processing it... thinking about it... worrying about it... contemplating how I should react to it...

I decided along time ago that my struggles with My Dad's whole prognosis would be something I dealt with behind him... not in front of him. IMMEDIATELY I began pointing out all of the good things that NO CHEMO would bring... feeling back in his feet... no swollen ankles/legs/feet... food would taste good again... energy would begin to increase... ALL GOOD THINGS... I smiled and put on my bravest face. Yet, at the back of my mind I keep hearing "you have new lesions"....MY DAD... NO NOT MY DAD... somehow he will pull through this...

I am sooo torn as I sit here tonight. I am thrilled that my Dad gets a chance to feel good for a while... and praying that he is not starting down a road to continued spreading...

BE STRONG... I MUST BE STRONG... FOR ME... FOR MY SISTER... FOR MY DAD... FOR MY MOM... FOR MY FAMILY!!!!

Tears roll down my cheeks... but I feel grateful that my Dad is my Dad... I couldn't ask for a better one!

I LOVE YOU DAD... here's to quality of life... and the hope that with that comes quantity! I am not ready to let you go! :)

Long time... no post

Well here we are almost 2 months since my last post! It seems like parts of my life seem to be standing still while others are moving at the speed of light.

My Dad just had Chemo treatment #8... 4 more to go for this round of chemo. He is no longer working which is a mixed blessing. I think work kept his mind focused on other things and allowed him some time for himself to a point. Now he is home caring for my mom and the kids full time and it seems he looks more exhausted than before. He has developed slight neuropathy... and we hope it stays "slight" if it progresses any further chemo comes to a stand still.

My Mom just had another back surgery and goes in again tomorrow for another one. They have implanted electrical "shockers" in her back to help numb the nerve pain. I was surprised to hear my Mom actually admit they seem to be helping. She has really become dependent on other means of controlling pain, that I feared she would be too put off that some of those may lessen or come to a halt.

We had our annual family reunion over the 24th of July. It was fun to see so many members of my extended family.

One of my best friends just got engaged... I am so HAPPY FOR HER!!! She has met a super nice guy who treats her so good... I am excited.

I think that is a basic update of all that has been going on... I will "blog" more later...

In the face of adversity

Seems sometimes the people you are trying to help are the ones sabotaging the "rescue" efforts. After the way things went down at Mom's birthday party... my Sister really stepped up to help me figure out how to rectify the situation.

My Sister went over to my parents house numbered all of my Mom's medications.She bought a pill box and sorted all of the medication out so that it can be done easily by my Mom or Dad weekly. Part of the issue is that my Mom's concept of time is completely backwards and I think often times she over medicates herself without realizing it because she thinks more time has passed that what actually has. It was amazing the turn around in her "behavior" once she started to take the right dose.

Of course, things aren't perfect but you can see glimpses of my Mom which I feared were long gone. We also tried to send a letter to my Mom's doctor since neither one of us could attend the appointment asking him to get permission from my Mom to discuss some of the issues we were concerned about. My Mom's hair and teeth are falling out... and she has some pretty classic signs of Toxic Chemical Poisioning... of course we aren't doctors but the symptoms surely point that direction. Unfortunately, the letter got into my parents hands and they never delivered it to the doctor. I think my Mom was too concerned about loosing her pain medications that she didn't want to risk it! SABATOGED... and FRUSTRATED... most days I wonder if it is worth the fight!

I guess we will see if this additional back procedure will help and if so hopefully the pain meds will slowly disappear!

On a happier note... Deven is back to work! :)

A healthy dose of reality

WOW... what a crazy few weeks it's been. Life is constantly taking turns that are unexpected.

Last weekend my sibilings/spouses and I went over to my parents and did yard clean up! It was a huge task but with several of us we got the task done and I think they are grateful it is done for another year!

My Mom's health is really going downhill. We celebrated her 69th birthday on Wednesday night... I don't even know if she knew it was her birthday. She was so out of it. She was in the hospital last week for dehydration... and she is still not doing all that well. Mom kept falling asleep and couldn't read her cards so I read them to her, then asked if she wanted to open her gifts she asked me to. It was gut wrenching. I remember not more than 5 years ago when she was up and moving around and still an active participatant in all of the family gatherings. Now her body is physically there but her mind is in another place entirely!

I think I have finally convinced everyone that this MUST change if we want Mom to still be around! I hope in the next few weeks I will be able to intervene and begin working on getting her back to a coherent state.

On a happier note... Deven and I are off to camp this weekend. I think this trip will just be the two of us and Scooby which is much needed for both of us!

Humor and putting one foot in front of the other will keep me moving forward as this battle is just beginning!

Reaching a breaking point...

Over the past few months I have tried to use humor to get me through the tough times.... and for the most part I must say it seems to be working! I know one thing for sure it at least makes me more pleasant to be around. As of yesterday... however, I think my humor is now being replaced with anger!

I just can't understand how children can all be raised by the same parents and turn out so entirely different... not even in the same realm! I am at a loss! Some of my sibilings continue to make the same mistakes over and over like they can't seem to realize that the outcome of their choices will always be the same! IT ANGERS ME!!!

It is also getting more and more difficult for me not force my family into talking about my Mom's dependency problems "the elephant in the room". I had a 15 minute conversation with her yesterday of which I understood 3 sentences. What a sad statement... where has my Mom gone? Is there even a glimpse of her still left? I haven't seen her truly be herself in over 2 years...

My Dad is forced to face the issues on top of the fact that he is fighting a battle for his life. I think sometimes things are easier left unsaid because of the overwhelming concept of coping with it. I know that is how I feel most days... and I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for him.

I think my breaking point is or has been reached... and that there is a "battle" to fight to get my family back on the right track . I only hope I have the strength still left in me to fight this war!

True courage and strength...

WOW... what an interesting week this past week has been . Dad had his third dose of Chemo. He remains positive which never ceases to amaze me. His blood count is low and so he is going in for a blood tranfusion today. He is struggling to breathe because of the lack of blood to carry oxygen... he hasn't felt really great but tries to bury that deep down.

On Saturday we had the Race for the Cure... it was truly moving to see all of the people who showed up to support the cause. In my family alone there were about 15... Laurie, Kameo, Cierra, Chloe, Mom, Dad, Echo, Austin, Rick, Lisa, Jessi, Deven, Myself, Jennie and Tom. Laurie and my Dad both had just had Chemo two days before yet neither one of them would allow us to push them along the course they walked every step of the way... a true sign of strength. My Dad was really hurting yesterday... but yet he never complains!

My work family also showed up to support the cause and me as well... I am truly lucky to work with such amazing people!

I am constantly aware of the fact that I have been so lucky to be able to surround myself with a support system who keep my spirits up and my feet moving forward.

Am I awake?

Well let's see... Deven and I  have been really trying to focus on my "down" time so that I can keep up with everything that lies ahead.  I must say I am so fortunate to have such an amazingly understanding husband throughout this whole ordeal!  He reminds me daily how it's okay to feel how I feel and keeps perspective for the days ahead. 

Chemo was rough on my Dad for the first week or so... he hurt worse than he has ever hurt. He didn't feel real great either... but he is a trooper and keeps moving forward!  He is still working full-time and has amazed me with his strength!  His hair fell out and now he is bald... that will definitely throw reality back into your face as now when you look at him you can tell he is sick.  He has definitely not appeared sick before this... so this has been a bit hard!  He looks much better with a bald head then I would have guessed!

My Dad's next chemo appointment is Thursday... so my fingers are crossed that this time will be easier not harder!  GOOD LUCK DAD! 

I am excited for the warm weather... we can start using the trailer and get away for short weekend trips. It will be a good "escape" and fun to spend time with my hubby and puppy without the chaos of life. 

“Escaping is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

Wow... so that is what they call surreal...

Today was my Dad's first chemo appointment. I had made sure to prepare him a "chemo bag" with all the essentials they mentioned that he would need during the course of his therapy!

After speaking to the doctor, catching up on the bone scan results, his MRIs, CT scans etc... the cancer is spreading in the bones but hasn't infiltrated any of his organs which is good news.

Chemo was a surreal experience... my dad in one chair hooked up to the IV and Laurie hooked up in the chair next to him. I totally felt like I was in a nightmare. Two of the people who mean so much to me in life... fighting this horrible disease! Words can't even begin to describe how helpless and angry I felt all at the same time!

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."

Emotionally Overwhelmed???

I am unsure of exactly what is going on with me... but the last few days have been a bit emotionally overwhelming for me. The emotions aren't even necessarily sad... partially angry... tired... scared... some of it I am not even sure how to explain!

This weekend my family all got together and cleaned my parent's house in preparation for Dad's Chemo this week... it is hard to believe this Thursday is the day. I recognize this might be part of the emotional chaos inside of me... but at the same time... I think I should have much better control at this point in time.

If I could only devise a way to work through this without pushing the people I love away... without feeling mean... bitter... angry... lonely... I just am at a loss! I am sure this is just another phase in this journey... but I'd hope I would have things figured out!

"Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out our courage and strength. "

A moment to reflect...

I took a moment to reflect this weekend on how fortunate I am... how lucky I have been in life and how many good people I have come to know. I feel like there are so many people I have to thank for the person I have become.

Life isn't perfect... in fact lately I would say life has become a bit of a drag... but no matter how bad I think I have it there is always going to be someone out there who has it worse... and I think keeping that in perspective allows me to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook!

I hate that I am having to go through all of this with my Dad... but at least I have been able to have a wonderful relationship with my Dad. There are many people out there who never knew their Dads and that thought makes me sad. My Dad has been someone who has been a constant in my life... he is someone who could put a smile on my face even when I tried my hardest to be angry. He always knows how to fix whatever is broken... he can provide me with sound advice even if I don't take it. He is someone who I have always looked to for strength... and truly one of my best friends!

I think it is easier to focus on the negative, even when there is positive all around us. But without negative who would know what postive feels like?

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you could miss it."

The date is set

FINALLY... I know when my Dad will begin Chemotherapy... March 26th is the big day!  I am not sure how to feel about the whole ordeal and I am not the one getting the treatment.  I am very scared for him... nobody can predict exactly how your body will react so it is all a guessing game as far as how you will feel afterward.  Most often times though it is sick... I am going with him to his first treatment... nobody should have to battle this disease alone! 

I am throwing a "hat" party for Laurie... hopefully it will help lift her spirits and remind her that we are all out her pulling for her! 

In other news... I am loving my job change and things seem to be going amazingly well... doors are opening and I am bound and determined to make things happen!  I am done sitting on the sidelines! 

The waiting game...

While they say patience is a virtue... I am not sure it is one I am in possession of! I wonder how or where I can find some...

My Dad finally got the results of his bone scan which until he sees the doctor consisted of nothing more than "your cancer is progressing"... don't they know what that does to a person... how far? how quickly? any new areas? anything we need to be concerned about... HELLOOOOO you need to be a little more specific! Thus my statement above... yeah I don't do well at this waiting thing. Chemo therapy we know is around the corner... but that too is a never ending question of when. They are asking my Dad to be part of a clinical trial for a new type of drug used in conjunction with chemo to combat prostate cancer. This of course "drags" out the processes as there are extra test etc that need to happen prior to determining if he is eligible to take part. I understand there are processes and procedures... but damn it I want to know the "time-line"

Yesterday we had a family meeting at my house to prepare everyone for the serious nature of chemo and how we all need to pull together to help my parents out in everyway we can... I was worried with the underlying emotions that things could get ugly... but all and all things went well. It is amazing how things like this can really pull a family together!

Laurie starts chemo next week... she is a little worried about the side effects... but she is strong! I am going to lunch with her tomorrow... I look forward to seeing her!

My hubby sent me flowers this last week reminding me that together we will make it through anything... he always seems to know when I am in need of the extra boost to get me through the day... he is my superstar!

"If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself."

Full of mixed emotions...

Last week Deven and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary. It is so crazy to think I have been married that long... but when you are married to your best friend it just comes so easy! Our cruise was relaxing and most of all it was a nice break from the chaos life has become lately.

On the 13th, Laurie had her lumpectomy... things went well and the cancer had not spread to her lymphnodes thank goodness. She is a fighter... Love you, Laur!

Today my Dad had a doctor's appointment, my Dad has been expressing concern that the cancer has been spreading due to more constant pain in his back and hip, along with a nagging feeling of being warn out 24/7. I attended the appointment as I knew that we were about to take the next "step" in his fight! It looks like it is time for my Dad to do at least one "round" of chemo... I think I have become somewhat complacent due to the fact that nothing really seems to be changing with him... my eyes were opened wide in the aspect of lies ahead.

My Dad is having a bone scan next week and hopefully we will know better the path the cancer is taking and how best to plan the "counter attack".

Emotionally I am trying to hold things together... but today has been a bit rough as reality peeks its ugly head again... hopefully sleep will exist tonight!

"It's not where you've been... but where you are going that counts"

The annual Ground Hog's Day Celebration!

Another year has passed... tomorrow I turn the big 3-5! WOW... half way to 40... hardly seems possible! I still wonder where my twenty's went and I am half way through my thirty's!

This year was yet again a year full of emotional struggles... I still wake up wishing that my Dad's cancer was only part of a horrible nightmare and not a reality! I look at how my Mom is struggling physically to even get around... the fact that my parent's are truly aging has been a hard concept for me to accept!

This past month was a rough one for me... my Dad's cancer seems to be surfacing more (not sure what we are up against yet)... my Mom had to have yet again another surgery... I walked out on my job... my hubby lost his job...my cousin who is the same age as me was diagnosed with breast cancer and her battle is now beginning! Hurtles... keep coming... but like I have said before with struggles come strength!

On a happier note... I had the most amazing trip to Europe with my hubby! A dream come true. I will never forget how amazing it was to walk where my ancestors walked... to be in a place so rich in history!

As I think of the year ahead... I hope that battles will be won... that risks taken will be full of rewards... friendships will be strengthened... family bonds will grow tighter...

So here's to 35... may it be a year full of love, living, and laughter!

Whenever one door closes... one more opens

Life has taken some abrupt and surprising turns over the past few days. I walked into work on Monday having no clue that by Wednesday I'd be resigning and starting a new chapter in my "career".

I am excited to start this new journey... I know with anything good in life comes risk... and this is definitely a big one. Let's just hope that with big risk comes big rewards is the way this story heads! :)

In other news, my mom had another back surgery. It's hard to say right now how successful it was but if it even helps alleviate a portion of her pain it is a success in my mind.

I think that is all for now...