Well today is the first time in a long time I cried with a friend. I guess it is okay to break down every once in a while, right? I have been trying all day to sort through all that is going on in my head. Feelings of relief, being scared, wondering what lies ahead... some days I just feel lost in myself!
My Dad had his appointment for Chemo #9 today (although that didn't happen). My Dad and I are what we refer to as "Chemo Buddies" I have been to every appointment all along the way.
My Dad had a bone scan yesterday to determine the progression of his bone cancer. Today... we received the results... my Dad, the doctor and me... all in a room. As I hear the news I am torn... should I be happy? should I be sad? should I be scared? I look at the doctor for any expression "grasping at straws" on whether I should panic or just know this is another step in the road. The doctor as he looks over the results says... "well it is good news, the activity on the previous scan was healing not spreading..." a pause "however, it looks like you have new lesions on your left hip"... room closes in and I glance back and forth from doctor to Dad.
As a background... I should say that my Dad has been participating in a clinical trial to try to find better treatments for prostate cancer. He has been taking clinical trial medication and been monitored by a group of doctors determining how well the treatment is working. We don't know if my Dad is receiving the actual pill or a placebo instead. Due to the risks involved because there is additional new activity, the clinical trial is coming to an end. Here is where the torn feelings come in, my Dad has been super sick with Chemo, and all kinds of things are going on with his body... No clinicial trial = no more Chemo (at this time)... no Chemo = Dad's body gets a chance to recover and heal... NO CHEMO... GREAT NEWS... NEW CANCER BAD NEWS... processing it... thinking about it... worrying about it... contemplating how I should react to it...
I decided along time ago that my struggles with My Dad's whole prognosis would be something I dealt with behind him... not in front of him. IMMEDIATELY I began pointing out all of the good things that NO CHEMO would bring... feeling back in his feet... no swollen ankles/legs/feet... food would taste good again... energy would begin to increase... ALL GOOD THINGS... I smiled and put on my bravest face. Yet, at the back of my mind I keep hearing "you have new lesions"....MY DAD... NO NOT MY DAD... somehow he will pull through this...
I am sooo torn as I sit here tonight. I am thrilled that my Dad gets a chance to feel good for a while... and praying that he is not starting down a road to continued spreading...
BE STRONG... I MUST BE STRONG... FOR ME... FOR MY SISTER... FOR MY DAD... FOR MY MOM... FOR MY FAMILY!!!!
Tears roll down my cheeks... but I feel grateful that my Dad is my Dad... I couldn't ask for a better one!
I LOVE YOU DAD... here's to quality of life... and the hope that with that comes quantity! I am not ready to let you go! :)
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