Well here it is over a month has passed without anything more to say! I sometimes feel like it is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling so I just keep things bottled inside... not the best idea... but it is an idea that I pratice on a regular basis.
Since my Dad's last doctor's appointment the issues I'd hope would disappear have been slow to do so... or basically haven't disappeared at all. My Dad's feet are still swollen... he doesn't feel all that great EVER... yeah that is right EVER. He is just plan worn out...
The other night I stopped by to visit with my parents and help them make some decisions financially for their future. As my Dad and I sat at the table going through paperwork discussing the best options and sorting through everything, my Dad said to me for the first time ever since his battle began says "with the way I am feeling I am not sure I will be around much longer"... I sat their baffled that my Dad the postive one through all of this just said that to me. I have begged him to be open with me so I am not "blindsided" by anything that happens with regards to his health... but those words made my heart stop beating.
I tried to not cry at least not in front of him... as we finished up the paperwork I just kept thinking is he warning me? Is it just him wanting me to be in perspective of how he feels? What should I think/do?
On the way home I told Deven what was said and broke down slightly as the words escaped my mouth. My sweet husband reminded me maybe I needed to be more available to go see my Dad, to not loose track of the days between visits... so I think that is the goal for now. Deven is my Rock... 8 years ago yesterday we lost his amazing father to a battle with cancer.
My Mom said the other day... Your Dad never has a good day... I lost it again then.
I appreciate the fact that I still have my Dad... EVERY DAY... YES EVERY DAY... I feel lucky that he is still here... every birthday I wish for him to make it to my next... for his quality of life... for him to be happy!
This next week we go to the doctor so I guess we will see what the next step is...
STRENGTH... BEING STRONG... an attribute I wish I encompassed more of... But I put one foot in front of the other... and a smile on my face!
I LOVE YOU DAD!
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