Can I take my last post back?

Well I guess sometimes you get what you ask for... even if you suddenly realize it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday was my Dad's doctor's appointment. I was suddenly brought down to the realization that what my heart had been telling was truly the reality... and I don't like it one bit. I guess it is one thing to tell yourself something but it is entirely different when you hear it out of the doctor's mouth.

We discussed my Dad's treatment and his options at this point. We also talked about the whole Houston Clinical Trial... and the doctor was FUMING that my Dad had not received any feedback!

I guess rather than rambling on... I need to spit it out... but then I am reading the words again... and those feelings I am afraid will come rushing back. I guess as long as I am alone at the office and noone can see my tears I will be okay...

My Dad's doctor basically said... it seems as if all of our options have only made you feel worse not better... and it seems as though despite the fight the cancer continues to spread. He discussed one last option... but was very vocal about the fact it may not help and could make matters worse again. They are going to do a injectable radiation... we were skeptical to begin with after knowing all the complications that arose from his last radiation. My Dad's esophagus was damaged and thus ensued his vomiting and lack of taste... and this horrible lingering taste that is not pleasant at all. The only reason we opted to give this a try is because it is injected into exactly where his tumors are and has little side-effects...

After this option he will have to wait a month to begin the clinical trial, that is if he ends up being eligible. If not... then this is pretty much it.

My Dad's doctor said that if we chose not to do the injectable radiation (but we did decide to do that) that at this point his suggestion was to give Dad whatever pain medications he may need to keep him comfortable... and ultimately wait for the cancer to take his life. Hearing those words... I looked at my father to see his face... the look of defeat momentarily filled his eyes... and I CHOKED BACK THE TEARS LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I looked over at my mom who was sitting on the other side of me to see tears well up in her eyes. I grabbed both their hands... squeezing them tightly.

I think we have known based on recent developments that my Dad's cancer is beginning to take its toll... he rests almost more than he doesn't... and when you look at him you can tell he isn't well. IT IS HEARING THOSE WORDS... LET CANCER TAKE YOUR LIFE... from the doctor that made me realize my instincts were correct... Dad's time it becoming more and more limited. I know he still has more fight... but the battle is becoming tougher to endure.

I want my Dad to continue to fight as long as he has quality of life... but when the time comes that the pain is too much to endure... I hope he will go quickly! I am certainly not giving up on him... and I feel fortunate every day I wake up to know that he is still here with me.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart"

I believe my Dad has much more life to live... in his courage and strength... I gain my own courage and strength. DAD, YOU ARE MY HERO!!