Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!
While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"
Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!
I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.
I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???
Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...
Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...
"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"
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