Seagull Babies...

Yesterday as I was driving into work, I began to realize that I won't see my Dad again for a very long time. Then I began to panic wondering if I will NEVER see him again. I can't imagine never seeing him again. I am not sure what I believe as far as life after this, but I do know that going on knowing I won't see him again is unbearable so now I live with the hope that I will.

My sister texted me later on in the day mentioning she was at the dump and how it reminded her of Dad. I know that seems odd... but it is the little things that sometimes bring back memories. She said it makes her think of how my Dad used to call me his Seagull baby and tell me he was going to take me back to the dump to live with the Seagulls. I had almost forgotten about that but then in that brief statement, the memories flooded my mind and I recalled this glass seagull Dad bought to hang from the window because it reminded him of me.

I miss him so much, but I am grateful for the memories I have of the wonderful father, example, hero and friend he was to me!

Miss you Daddy!

Will I ever feel "normal" again???

This morning as I was working out I began contemplating why so many people comment on the fact that I am not the same. I can see that my happy isn't as happy as it once was, my demeanor is a little different. I know life isn't ever going to be the same, and I honestly do feel like a part of me died in January, but I still feel like me.

I have definitely changed my view on what is important in life. I look forward to spending time with my family it used to feel like an obiligation some times, but after seeing how precious life is and the fact you can't get back time, I enjoy what time I do have.

I know I feel like spending time with my hubby and puppy trumph everything that may need to be done around the house. Just to know that we are on limited time makes me feel like I don't want to miss a moment.

I am not sure I was ever "normal" but I do hope that those around me can learn to recognize that I am still the same person. I may never be the same, and although I may be a little lost, I am finding my way.

I want to say Thank you for my "support system"... I love and appreciate that you are behind me with every step I take!

I wonder what triggers it...

Dad -

WOW... another morning full of tears. I wonder what triggers it. I wonder if it is because you are near by and I can sense you more or if it is just the longer you are gone the more I miss you!!!

I was thinking about you sense of humor this morning those jokes you'd crack about the ears in the corn field etc... You were always so sure your jokes would make us laugh and they did mainly because we couldn't believe you'd tell them.

Today feels like a Daddy Hug kind of day... too bad you aren't here to give me one. I recall driving over to your house and making up an excuse (not that I needed one) so I could just feel your tight bear squeeze. What I wouldn't do to feel it one more time.

I wonder if people wonder why I am still struggling so bad with losing you... it has been almost 5 months... but you were such a part of who I am that I feel like I am mourning a loss of part of me as well.

The reunion was last weekend and it wasn't the same without you. I made jumbleberry cobbler in your memory... I wished you were there to eat it. Deven was supposed to work and when we got up there his phone didn't have reception. He helped us unpack and then was getting ready to head back to town to work. I lost it... COMPLETELY LOST IT... will I ever learn to control my emotions? I felt abandoned at the thought of him leaving and you not being there... I can't explain it really other than I just felt lost. I told Deven I didn't know if I could do it as he drove away. About an hour later he pulled back up next to the trailer. He couldn't watch me cry...

I miss you sooo much!

Love you,
Amy