Why must I feel the need to torture myself?

This morning I decided that I wanted to just get a few tears out of the way. I got to work... put in the DVD that was made for my Dad's viewing and just sat in my office and cried. I usually get here a few hours before anyone else... it gave me a chance alone without interuption to just think.

I thought maybe getting a few tears out would alleviate some of this built up anger... YEAH no such luck! Instead it has left me trying to work when all I can think about is my Dad. Sometimes I wonder where I get my bright ideas!

Woke up with that feeling of emptiness

My cousin's husband's father passed away two days ago. She and I have always been really close. We have camped together, vacationed together, BBQed together etc... My heart aches for his loss.

I have had my Dad on my mind almost non-stop since I can remember... even before he passed away. I constantly worried about his health and always tried to think a step ahead on what more I could do for him. Last night as I sat up watching TV, my thoughts drifted yet again to him. I recalled times when I was a child catching nightcrawlers in the backyard... reminisced of us building the camp fire together... going to Hawaii with he and my Mom... our Disneyland trips... all good memories. It is just amazing how by thinking about him I felt the hole in my heart that was left by his passing grow bigger. I literally felt the pain in my heart.

This morning when the alarm went off, I got up and went downstairs in normal routine to do my cardio and start the day. As I began my work out I felt off... I am not sure how to describe it other than I just simply didn't feel complete. I felt like part of me was in a distant place. I worked out and eventually the feeling started to fade from the forefront of my mind. By the time I went upstairs to awaken my prince charming from his slumber my thoughts had refocused to the tasks of the day ahead.

I know that life must continue, Dad would want it that way. I just wish I could feel his arms wrapped around me in a deep daddy bear hug... I am not sure if it would help sooth the soul or leave me longing to have him around more... either way I think about it often. He always hugged me so tight that there was no doubt in my mind how much he loved me.

I think a vacation is in store... both Deven and I could use a little time away. I hope the weather warms up so that we can take the trailer out and at least get away for a few days since the pocket book doesn't allow for a true vacation right now!

Another death in the family

Yesterday we had to put my Mom's oldest minature Schnauzer to sleep. She has been a part of our family for 13 years now. She was the first of the "pack" and was the source of much comfort to my Mom over the years.

It is hard to say good-bye to a pet. My brave sister was with Princess when she passed. In the few moments they gave her alone with Princess, she said these words " Princess, Dad will be there to take care of you on the other side, please tell him hi for us"...

Thank you Sissy for being there with her. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for you!

Princess may you rest in peace and run free without the health issues you had here on this earth, and if you are with Dad... give him loves for us all!

I heard his voice...

Yesterday afternoon I was checking my voicemail on my phone, I had just recently bought a new phone and believed when doing so I had lost all of my old voicemails. I used to save every message from my Dad. My voicemail says... you have a message from 801-231-1553... I felt my heart beat slightly faster... "Hi Amy, this is your Dad, give me a call"... Then I hear from October 27, 2009. At first it was like... am I losing it? It was bittersweet I must say to hear his voice again after two months. In a way it was a warm hug... in another way it was gut wrenching because I realize yet again he isn't here.