A lot on my mind...

I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sometimes wonder why I feel the need to complain. I honestly believe you should only complain about things if you are willing to change them... if not... then why bother. I find my self lately complaining about things that I can't or that won't be changing.

Last week we celebrated my amazing husband's birthday. It is hard to believe that we are getting to that point where we have almost been together more years then we were apart. It has been a journey watching each of us change in so many ways over the years as we have learned more about who we are as individuals and as a couple. I really wanted to do something BIG for him because he has been so AMAZING through all we have been through these past years. He never once complained that I wasn't home or that I neglected things in our household to take care of my Dad. However, my hubby had other plans... he wanted to skip over it all together. We did go to dinner just the two of us... but I just felt like I should have done more.

Over the past few months I really have a new appreciation for my father. He was always a "super hero" in my mind... but now that I have stepped up to the plate in taking care of my Mom... my eyes have opened to really how much he did for her. With my Mom's immobility... my Dad really did EVERYTHING. I am now realizing I am the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Birthday shopper... you get the point. I just need to keep that in mind so I am not scrambling at the last minute trying to help my Mom figure it all out!

Work has been a source of heartache and great feelings of inadequacy... we just began a new venture and it has been a HUGE learning curve. I feel like I am starting over in a business I felt like I was good at... I guess only time will tell if I can get past it all and work it out. If not... I may have to discover a new career to avoid a complete breakdown.

Here's to another day... I keep plugging away!

His shoes are too big...

I received a phone call this morning from my Mom in tears. She doesn't feel well and my Dad used to take such great care of her when he was here. It is at times like these I realize that when my Dad left me "in charge" of things financially... my family assumed I'd take on the role of "Dad/Husband".

I can't fill his shoes... they are much too big! My Dad was the rock... the glue... the force that we all turned to when times were tough. I am not capable of being "him" it just isn't possible.
I get phone calls about some of the craziest things my family feels like I should take charge of... and I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

When my Dad and I talked he asked me to promise him two things... 1. to try to keep the peace... 2. to take care of my Mom. I am not succeeding at either one... in fact I am pretty much failing in general. My head isn't in the game... it is off wondering what I should do, should know, should be... and it leaves me feeling empty and lost in a huge world around me.

Dad, what I wouldn't give for one last daddy/daughter talk, for one last hug, for one last moment. I always said this would be one of the hardest things I ever went through... but little did I know it would be this hard.