Strength... I am beginning to think I've forgotten what that is...

Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!

While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"

Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!

I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.

I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???

Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...

Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"

Radiation? Are you sure that's a good idea?

My Dad called his doctor yesterday, he was told to go up LDS hospital today so they could tatoo him for his radiation. WOW... seems like a speedy decision without any formal discussion.

I think I am somewhat tainted when it comes to radiation after I have personally seen what it can do to a person. Don't get me wrong, I want my Dad's pain to be alleviated, but I think sometimes the "cure" is worse than the "pain"... I just wished I had a chance to talk to the doctor so I felt better about the decision.

Here I go digging deep again for the strength to be supportive and help my Dad through this next phase!

Lost...

Here I am getting ready to post yet again... seems like I repeat myself over and over... but I think sometimes it is more so for me to actually get things to SINK in.

My Dad has not been having very good days lately, while the fever thing everynight seems to have eneded... another obstacle jumps in the path.

Yesterday, My Mom called to talk to me about Thanksgiving... and said my Dad was in a bad way. I immediately insist she gets him on the phone... and proceed through our normal conversation which goes something like this: "Hey my Favorite Dad, how are you feeling?" to which he's response is always "Oh... I am doing fine" to which my response has become... "Come on Dad... it's me... HOW ARE YOU REALLY"... After this line of questioning I eventually get to the bottom of what is up with him. Yesterday, he was in pain. He was experiencing odd pain in his upper back and chest, accompanied by some difficulty breathing. We talked and he seemed like things were okay.

On my way home from work, I stopped by Rick and Lisa's house (they live next door) to drop off some loan paperwork. I decided to pop in next door just to see how everything was going. I came in... found Roxanne and Phil in the front room and no parent's around. My Mom is always in her chair by the front door... and I knew immediately something was not right. Echo says to me Grandpa went to the hospital they think he may have blood clots. I try calling my parents cell phones to find out where they are and if they need anything... there are NO answers. I call Andrea who drove them up there and got the details. Back into the car and off to the Emergency room at the IMC Hospital.

We were there for SEVERAL hours while they poked, proded and tested my Dad for just about everything under the sun related to his symptoms. They finally ruled out he "blood clot" theory at about 9:15. The ER doctor pulled Dad's most recent bone scan and showed us a picture of where the cancer was.... WOW... looking at "CANCER" for the first time... seeing my Dad's body and knowing exactly where things were... A REALITY CHECK AGAIN. Turns out where my Dad's pain is there is a "high concentration" of bone cancer. They are talking about doing Radiation... but we won't know until Dad calls Dr. Nibley today.

After dropping my parents off, I headed home... couldn't get the thought of my poor Dad and his pain out of my head. I hardly slept at all... "ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"