HAPPY BIRTHAY TO DADDY!!!

Happy Birthday Dad -

How are things in Heaven? Do they even celebrate birthdays there? What have you been up to? Been hanging around here lately?

I can't help but think of you not only on your birthday but this time of year. You loved the holidays and I remember looking forward to every moment I got to spend with you during them. Halloween was one of your favorites... and the costume parties you loved!

I looked through some pictures of you this morning, it was difficult but despite the tears shed, put a smile on my face. I still remember your voice, your smile, your humor so clearly. I hope that over time that never fades!

I miss you and love you! Hope your Birthday is amazing... wish I was celebrating it with you!

All my love,
Amy

Feeling overly emotional lately...

I am not sure if it is because of Father's Day... if it is just me being a girl... stress... lack of quality sleep... but I have been so close to tears in the past week or so it is crazy. I don't feel sad... in general. There are always moments of sadness in my day, there has been for several years now, but I don't feel depressed.

I miss my Dad... this I know is true. The reality as years go on that I won't see him again at least not for a long time... rips me apart. I know people get sick of hearing it, but it is the first time I have felt loss in its entirety. I felt loss when Deven's Dad passed a HUGE loss, but when it is someone whose blood courses through your veins it is way harder than I ever imagined.

I guess one of these days maybe I will figure it all out, but for now... I just keep wondering what the heck my own deal is... I can only imagine what the people around me must think!

Being bad at blogging

WOW... I just realized how bad I have been at blogging. I used to use this as an outlet... it helped me to express things that were so painful it was often times hard to find the right words. I think after going through all of that I have just began to reclose my doors... build up my walls and try to go through the motions of life without really "feeling" anything. I don't really know how to explain it other than pretty much a numbness. The only feeling I think I have felt in a while is "anger" when it really felt like a feeling if that makes sense.

I think I may need to start re-evaluating what is going on with me and figure out an outlet so that I can begin to be me again. I just simply shut everyone out... I notice when the phone rings I don't really want to talk... I'd just as soon just be with me... in my own little corner of the world.

I guess I will sort through this all...

HAPPY 17th ANNIVERSARY HOT HUBBY!!!

It was 17 years ago today, I knelt across from my hubby with family gathered close to be married. I still remember that day vividly.

This morning my hubby and I handed each other cards at the same exact time without words being exchanged... it is amazing how after all these years you become so intune with someone. My hubby's card to me was so sweet. When he left for work this morning he said "thank you for marrying me 5o years ago..."

I think tonight we after we both get off work we will probably go to dinner and just spend time with one another.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY... I LOVE YOU MORE TODAY THAN THE DAY I MARRIED YOU!!! You are my rock, my love and my everything! :) YOU COMPLETE ME! :)

Happy Ground Hog's Day! :)

I know I am a little late... this year the birthday was spent a little more "happily" then last year!

Here's the "play by play" of the day... got up in the morning and did the norm... got lunch ready... coffee brewing... all that good stuff. Opened up presents from the hubs... busco ball and medicine ball (yeah I am trying to get my work out back on) Then headed down stairs to work out. Once my workout was over I induldged by having a rockstar and a yummy orange roll for breakfast. Then hit the shower and off to the "races". Work was busy... and I worked away... Lunch time arrived and to Applebees with the co-workers/my bestie we went... appetizers and drinks for lunch. When I got back to the office I was surprised by flowers from my hubby... 36 long stemmed roses... YEAH you could say I am spoiled. But like he told me all day "I am worth it"... :) I love that man! Work ran a little late so needless to say I had to choose somewhere quick to eat... dinner was yeah... NOT GOOD... but not anyone's fault. Back home for cake and icecream with the fam-dam... :) all in all a good day.

I did my best to celebrate life... I know it is a gift and I am grateful for it! So happy birthday to me... may this year be filled with love, laughter and those I hold dear! :)

1 year ago this very day...

WOW... I can remember the details like it was just yesterday... right now all of us were gathered in Dad's hospital room. The room was filled way beyond "capacity" as the hospital allowed everyone to be there because they knew his time was drawing to a close. My hubby had been with me all night along with all of the family but had just ran home to let Scooby out and feed him... I called him telling him I needed him to hurry back Dad's vitals were dropping and I couldn't go through this without him! Dad rallied for a few more hours... he was a fighter to the very end.

At about 9:00 everyone was tired and hungry... it had been a long sleepless night. Most of the crowd stepped out to grab food. My sister, Mom, my brother Rick and I were alone in the room gathered around the bed. We were talking to Dad and expressing our feelings. I once again told him that if I could be only half the person he was in life I would consider my life a success. I made sure he knew I would take care of my Mom. Rick, Wendy, and Mom talked to him as well... I kept a close eye on the monitor as I could tell Dad's breathing was becoming more and more shallow... at 9:25 I looked at Dad's chest and it was no longer moving, I checked the monitors to be sure and informed everyone in the room that Dad had passed. We all lost it. Deven had just walked back into the room at the moment. I grabbed him and held him so tight as I began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my Dad already and he just took his last breath!

A year has passed and yet it seems like he left this world only moments ago!

A year ago your battle ended, you fought hard and showed such strength.
You lived your life with selflessness, you showed love at length.
Life goes on around us, everything looks the same,
But there is no answer when we call your name.
The memories of you live on; you brought happiness to our days,
Your smile, your hugs, your gentle voice, we miss you in so many ways.
Those memories are a keepsake, from which we will never part
God has you in his keeping; we have you in our heart.

As I have said in many previous blogs, I feel so fortunate to be the daugther of such an amazing man. A man who touch the life of so many, who left such a huge impact on those around him that it makes it difficult to live without him!

I love you, Dad! You are my hero... and you are missed!

Reflecting on 2010... and a few other thoughts...

As we said "good-bye" to 2010 it was bitter sweet. While the year was filled with much sorrow... it was the last year I saw my Dad alive. It was the last time I felt his arms around me... the last time I brought the new year in with him... like I said bitter sweet! In 2010, we said good-bye to a wonderful man, my hero. We spent most the year trying to make heads or tails of life and making due anyway we could. My hubby and I have grown closer as he has been my rock and support through my roller coaster. I haven't been the most fun to be around this year... I still struggle to find a way to deal with the loss.

As I said good-bye to 2009... I vowed to be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend... I am not sure I have succeed at all in any category. But I do know I feel closer to those around me who have patiently tolerated my moodiness and loved me despite my faults!

Yesterday my neice's baby boy was blessed. My Dad's best friend blessed him... as the words "I stand in proxy for this baby's great grandfather who is here in spirit" was uttered the tears began to flow. I feel so lucky that my Dad had such a great friend... a man who has been a huge part of our lives and has been there to step in at occasions when needed after my Dad left this world behind.

So here's to 2011... may I continue to grow and appreciate those around me. May I strive to appreciate each day for life is a gift and should be treated as such! (good or bad)