A lot on my mind...

I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sometimes wonder why I feel the need to complain. I honestly believe you should only complain about things if you are willing to change them... if not... then why bother. I find my self lately complaining about things that I can't or that won't be changing.

Last week we celebrated my amazing husband's birthday. It is hard to believe that we are getting to that point where we have almost been together more years then we were apart. It has been a journey watching each of us change in so many ways over the years as we have learned more about who we are as individuals and as a couple. I really wanted to do something BIG for him because he has been so AMAZING through all we have been through these past years. He never once complained that I wasn't home or that I neglected things in our household to take care of my Dad. However, my hubby had other plans... he wanted to skip over it all together. We did go to dinner just the two of us... but I just felt like I should have done more.

Over the past few months I really have a new appreciation for my father. He was always a "super hero" in my mind... but now that I have stepped up to the plate in taking care of my Mom... my eyes have opened to really how much he did for her. With my Mom's immobility... my Dad really did EVERYTHING. I am now realizing I am the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Birthday shopper... you get the point. I just need to keep that in mind so I am not scrambling at the last minute trying to help my Mom figure it all out!

Work has been a source of heartache and great feelings of inadequacy... we just began a new venture and it has been a HUGE learning curve. I feel like I am starting over in a business I felt like I was good at... I guess only time will tell if I can get past it all and work it out. If not... I may have to discover a new career to avoid a complete breakdown.

Here's to another day... I keep plugging away!

His shoes are too big...

I received a phone call this morning from my Mom in tears. She doesn't feel well and my Dad used to take such great care of her when he was here. It is at times like these I realize that when my Dad left me "in charge" of things financially... my family assumed I'd take on the role of "Dad/Husband".

I can't fill his shoes... they are much too big! My Dad was the rock... the glue... the force that we all turned to when times were tough. I am not capable of being "him" it just isn't possible.
I get phone calls about some of the craziest things my family feels like I should take charge of... and I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

When my Dad and I talked he asked me to promise him two things... 1. to try to keep the peace... 2. to take care of my Mom. I am not succeeding at either one... in fact I am pretty much failing in general. My head isn't in the game... it is off wondering what I should do, should know, should be... and it leaves me feeling empty and lost in a huge world around me.

Dad, what I wouldn't give for one last daddy/daughter talk, for one last hug, for one last moment. I always said this would be one of the hardest things I ever went through... but little did I know it would be this hard.

"TRIPLE BROKE"

Well it is official... my first break down since the death of my Dad. Yesterday on my way home from work my car began losing power... I quickly got out of the busy rush-hour traffic and pulled into a parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, I proceeded to call my hubby. I explained to him what was happening and he walked me through a few possible fixes over the phone. Nothing worked... he decided he would have to come to my "rescue"... and told me to sit in the car with it off until he got there.

I hung up the phone and immediately without thinking tears began to fall... not just a few... but MANY MANY tears. I realized at that moment... my Dad was not around to be the next call I made. Normally in this situation... I would have picked up the phone after calling Deven to get my Dad's opinion (of course I would tell him to not tell Deven I called)... There was noone to call...

I sat there... broken car... broken heart... broken down...

Deven did arrive and "rescue" me... we drove the car home... over-heating and losing power. Still not sure what is wrong with it... but I do know yesterday I was "triple broken"... who knows how many more of those are to come!

I missed my "Happy Ground Hogs" day post...

I realized that I totally skipped over my "birthday" post which would have included how much I had learned in the passing year... and how much I looked forward to the new year. This year is a little different, loosing one of your best friends/father two days before your birthday, will do that!

I must say that several people reminded me that although I didn't feel like celebrating, my Dad celebrated that day because I came into his life. Having my Dad be my Dad is definitely cause for celebration. I was so fortunate to have him be a part of my everyday life for almost 36 years.

Every birthday since my Dad was diagnosed when it came time to blow my candles out... my wish was for my Dad to make it to my next birthday free from pain. I guess looking back it sounds somewhat selfish... but I just wanted to have him here as long as his quality of life was there.

This year there was no birthday cake... no birthday celebration... I spent most the day in tears over the loss of someone who meant the world to me.

My hubby was amazing... he took the day off. He made me a special breakfast and spent the day catering to me. I took my Mom shopping to get something to wear to the funeral...hung out with Deven... and finished the day off with popcorn for my birthday dinner. I guess they say whatever you have to do to get through the day... and in this case it was COMPLETELY true.

I do know that the year ahead will be full of much sadness as I learn how to deal with the grieving processes. I have lost other people before... but this is MY DAD... it is COMPLETELY different this time around. I hope that I can work through this all with dignity and grace, with an appreciation for the support system I have built around me. I hope to acknowledge the people who make a difference in my life more often. I have definitely learned "don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today..." For you never know if tomorrow will come... If you will have that last chance to say I love you, you mean the world to me.

So here's to being more mindful of each day... may this year be a year of self-discovery and growth...to being 36...

"You're such a part of who I am... now that part will just be void... "

I am too emotional right now to say anything other than... I miss him so much! I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I drove passed the hospital on my way to work today and completely lost it...

DEEP BREATHS AND ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER...

CHEMOTHERAPY... SUCKS ASS!!!

I just have a few things to get off my chest...

1. CHEMOTHERAPY SUCKS ASS
2. WHY IS IT WHEN SOMETHING IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BETTER IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO TERRIBLE FIRST??
3. WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT IS THERE OBLIGATION TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO GIVEN THE CURRENT SITUATION?
4. WHY DO I FEEL SO ANGRY AGAIN?
5. WHY MY DAD???

That is all for now! I will wait to truly blog until my mood is better!

Our Houston "Adventure"...

This is pretty much the easiest way to keep everyone in the "know" so here is the "scoop"...

Sunday - We arrived in Houston, after the plane ride etc... Dad was wiped out. We checked into the hotel and then had him lay down. My sister and I walked across the street to get Subway and brought food back to the room for us to eat. My Dad was up long enough to eat, then back to sleep again. He was in extreme pain, so we just let him rest. We did our thing... (worked out... wandered around the hotel... walked to the Fiesta Mart across the street) my Dad slept. We woke him up to eat dinner in the room since he was still not doing great.

That night... my Dad moaned most of the night. I couldn't sleep... every time he moaned my heart longed to just fix him!

Monday - This is when the hospital "fun" begins... We meet with the "team" at MD Anderson Medical Center. My Dad has a good team there, his nurse is very patient and explains everything in detail to us. They determined they wanted to put my Dad on this clinical trial that specializes in "BONE CANCER". Before this can all be done, we have to do a MILLION tests to make sure he is strong enough etc. This particular treatment involves aggressive chemo therapy coupled with injectable radiation. MD Anderson is the only hospital currently doing this particular treatment. Since we live in Utah, they determined that they would work with Huntsman Cancer to give his chemo here while working closely with them. Every 8 weeks we will be traveling back to Houston to have test ran and results checked.

After the consultation etc with the "team" off for a chest x-ray, EKG, blood tests etc...

That night still no sleep for me, but my Dad seemed to be in a little less pain. He was sick... but was not in as much pain.

Tuesday - Back to the hospital early morning... full body bone scan and an appointment with a support specialist team. This is a group that specializes in the symptoms Cancer patients experience. We met with several nurses etc there and then a new pain medication regiment was decided on. They altered my Dad's medication to give him a time release- type pain medication to assist in fighting his constant pain. They also gave him something to assist with the pain when he has serious pain in between doses.

When we got back to the hotel that evening. I gave Dad this new medication regiment, he slept better than he has in months. Wish I could have slept... but alas I just listened to him breath...

Wednesday - We had the morning off...so my Dad, my sister and I went to see a movie. The day before Dad insisted on walking the "skybridge" because he didn't realize how far of a walk it was. He was HURTING and could barely walk unassisted.

Off to the hospital for CT scans... My cute Dad has such a great sense of humor. Despite his pain, he was cracking jokes about all the yummy drinks they give you before the test and all the fun procedures they do to prepare you! I was laughing so hard... he is SOOOO BRAVE!!!

My sister and I had a heart to heart in the waiting room... tears were shed.

We were at the hospital until about 10:30 by the time we were at the hotel and in bed it was almost 11:30... LONG DAY FOR DAD... and you could tell it he was loosing his "momentum"

Thursday - We had to be to the hospital by 6:30... "no rest for the wicked"... My Dad was super sick this morning... probably because of all the yummy drinks he had the night before.

We arrived at the hospital and met with the Clinical Trial nurse... signed the consent forms... and met with the doctor to go over his results. They showed us my Dad's bone scan... I think my this was not a good thing for my Dad to see!!! The cancer is in ALL of his bones and has pentrated into some of the marrow (he still has some good marrow)! Dad's cancer is bad, we know that, it's not a surprise. However, when it is "starring you in the face" it is a whole different story. Good News... no organ infiltration (at this point at least on the scans they took) Bad News... cancer has become agressive and is EVERYWHERE in the bones...

We finished up with the doctor and headed to the Chemo area. My Dad was awfully quiet for the ride (he was being pushed by yours truly in a wheel chair)... Chemo began. Dad was still very quiet... I don't like wondering what he is thinking so I just plain ask. "Dad, what are you thinking?" "I don't know if I like what the doctor said... how much time is this going to buy me... is it even worth it" The sound of discouragement in my father's voice was ripping me from the inside out. As I sat there not knowing what to say as my Dad continues "I think I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown... and it will probably happen before this day is over". My Dad isn't a crier. I have probably seen him cry 6 times my entire life... 2 times in the past few weeks.

We finished up chemo and then off to the airport... time to go home.

When the plane touched ground my sense of strength began to crumble. I still held it in, but it was becoming more difficult. Deven picked us up at the airport. We dropped Dad off first and got him all settled in. When my Dad gave my Mom a hug, she whispered she loved him... that is all it took and the tears started to flow. I took a deep breath and looked at my hubby for strength and somehow I held it together. We made a list of his new medications and when to take them. Then our good-bye's and then dropped Wendy off before heading home.

I thought I had it all together... then as I was unpacking I just started to cry. I HATE that my DAD has to go through this... I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THIS AWAY...

I hope that this new chemo regiment works for the pain, I can't bare to see him suffer...

Some good news... some bad news... mostly overwhelming. Lack of sleep... emotionally worn out, I sit here in my office this morning and think of my sweet DAD... I LOVE YOU, DAD!