"You're such a part of who I am... now that part will just be void... "

I am too emotional right now to say anything other than... I miss him so much! I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I drove passed the hospital on my way to work today and completely lost it...

DEEP BREATHS AND ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER...

CHEMOTHERAPY... SUCKS ASS!!!

I just have a few things to get off my chest...

1. CHEMOTHERAPY SUCKS ASS
2. WHY IS IT WHEN SOMETHING IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BETTER IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO TERRIBLE FIRST??
3. WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT IS THERE OBLIGATION TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO GIVEN THE CURRENT SITUATION?
4. WHY DO I FEEL SO ANGRY AGAIN?
5. WHY MY DAD???

That is all for now! I will wait to truly blog until my mood is better!

Our Houston "Adventure"...

This is pretty much the easiest way to keep everyone in the "know" so here is the "scoop"...

Sunday - We arrived in Houston, after the plane ride etc... Dad was wiped out. We checked into the hotel and then had him lay down. My sister and I walked across the street to get Subway and brought food back to the room for us to eat. My Dad was up long enough to eat, then back to sleep again. He was in extreme pain, so we just let him rest. We did our thing... (worked out... wandered around the hotel... walked to the Fiesta Mart across the street) my Dad slept. We woke him up to eat dinner in the room since he was still not doing great.

That night... my Dad moaned most of the night. I couldn't sleep... every time he moaned my heart longed to just fix him!

Monday - This is when the hospital "fun" begins... We meet with the "team" at MD Anderson Medical Center. My Dad has a good team there, his nurse is very patient and explains everything in detail to us. They determined they wanted to put my Dad on this clinical trial that specializes in "BONE CANCER". Before this can all be done, we have to do a MILLION tests to make sure he is strong enough etc. This particular treatment involves aggressive chemo therapy coupled with injectable radiation. MD Anderson is the only hospital currently doing this particular treatment. Since we live in Utah, they determined that they would work with Huntsman Cancer to give his chemo here while working closely with them. Every 8 weeks we will be traveling back to Houston to have test ran and results checked.

After the consultation etc with the "team" off for a chest x-ray, EKG, blood tests etc...

That night still no sleep for me, but my Dad seemed to be in a little less pain. He was sick... but was not in as much pain.

Tuesday - Back to the hospital early morning... full body bone scan and an appointment with a support specialist team. This is a group that specializes in the symptoms Cancer patients experience. We met with several nurses etc there and then a new pain medication regiment was decided on. They altered my Dad's medication to give him a time release- type pain medication to assist in fighting his constant pain. They also gave him something to assist with the pain when he has serious pain in between doses.

When we got back to the hotel that evening. I gave Dad this new medication regiment, he slept better than he has in months. Wish I could have slept... but alas I just listened to him breath...

Wednesday - We had the morning off...so my Dad, my sister and I went to see a movie. The day before Dad insisted on walking the "skybridge" because he didn't realize how far of a walk it was. He was HURTING and could barely walk unassisted.

Off to the hospital for CT scans... My cute Dad has such a great sense of humor. Despite his pain, he was cracking jokes about all the yummy drinks they give you before the test and all the fun procedures they do to prepare you! I was laughing so hard... he is SOOOO BRAVE!!!

My sister and I had a heart to heart in the waiting room... tears were shed.

We were at the hospital until about 10:30 by the time we were at the hotel and in bed it was almost 11:30... LONG DAY FOR DAD... and you could tell it he was loosing his "momentum"

Thursday - We had to be to the hospital by 6:30... "no rest for the wicked"... My Dad was super sick this morning... probably because of all the yummy drinks he had the night before.

We arrived at the hospital and met with the Clinical Trial nurse... signed the consent forms... and met with the doctor to go over his results. They showed us my Dad's bone scan... I think my this was not a good thing for my Dad to see!!! The cancer is in ALL of his bones and has pentrated into some of the marrow (he still has some good marrow)! Dad's cancer is bad, we know that, it's not a surprise. However, when it is "starring you in the face" it is a whole different story. Good News... no organ infiltration (at this point at least on the scans they took) Bad News... cancer has become agressive and is EVERYWHERE in the bones...

We finished up with the doctor and headed to the Chemo area. My Dad was awfully quiet for the ride (he was being pushed by yours truly in a wheel chair)... Chemo began. Dad was still very quiet... I don't like wondering what he is thinking so I just plain ask. "Dad, what are you thinking?" "I don't know if I like what the doctor said... how much time is this going to buy me... is it even worth it" The sound of discouragement in my father's voice was ripping me from the inside out. As I sat there not knowing what to say as my Dad continues "I think I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown... and it will probably happen before this day is over". My Dad isn't a crier. I have probably seen him cry 6 times my entire life... 2 times in the past few weeks.

We finished up chemo and then off to the airport... time to go home.

When the plane touched ground my sense of strength began to crumble. I still held it in, but it was becoming more difficult. Deven picked us up at the airport. We dropped Dad off first and got him all settled in. When my Dad gave my Mom a hug, she whispered she loved him... that is all it took and the tears started to flow. I took a deep breath and looked at my hubby for strength and somehow I held it together. We made a list of his new medications and when to take them. Then our good-bye's and then dropped Wendy off before heading home.

I thought I had it all together... then as I was unpacking I just started to cry. I HATE that my DAD has to go through this... I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THIS AWAY...

I hope that this new chemo regiment works for the pain, I can't bare to see him suffer...

Some good news... some bad news... mostly overwhelming. Lack of sleep... emotionally worn out, I sit here in my office this morning and think of my sweet DAD... I LOVE YOU, DAD!

Reflecting on 2009...

As always, here is my "good-bye" to 2009 and my "wishes" for 2010...

2009 as many years before was a year of personal growth for me... yet again discovering things about myself I never knew. I guess life is about constantly changing and becoming a better version of yourself. I only hope I am becoming a better me! I look back on the emotional, mental and physical obstacles placed in my path and know I still must have so much yet to become.

One of my favorite songs is by a band called Linkin' Park... the song is entitled "Leave Out All The Rest"... the words in the Chorus are what have become so meaningul for me...



"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind
Some Reasons to be missed.

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest,
Leave out all the rest"


The words are something I think about daily as I strive to leave behind "reasons to be missed"!

I want people in my life to look back after I have left this life and feel like I have made an impact on their life for the better. As a result of Dad's health deteriorating, I have found myself reflecting back on my own life... wondering what things would be said about me when I am gone.

In 2010... I am anticipating many more "bumps" in the road ahead... but with them comes growth.

As I say good-bye to 2009, may I never forget...those paths that have crossed mine... those people who make me want to become a better person... and the trials that have molded me into the person I am today.

As I say hello to 2010... may it be a year in which I enrich those peoples lives who enrich mine... may I seize every opportunity to spend time wisely as time is something that can't be given back... and may I be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend!


BRING ON 2010!!!

2009 is almost over...

I guess plans have changed yet again, we are headed to Houston in January. My Dad and his two daughters... hopefully he will have enough strength to make it through the trip!

I am not sure what 2010 has in store... but I am preparing myself for the rollercoaster ride...

Can I take my last post back?

Well I guess sometimes you get what you ask for... even if you suddenly realize it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday was my Dad's doctor's appointment. I was suddenly brought down to the realization that what my heart had been telling was truly the reality... and I don't like it one bit. I guess it is one thing to tell yourself something but it is entirely different when you hear it out of the doctor's mouth.

We discussed my Dad's treatment and his options at this point. We also talked about the whole Houston Clinical Trial... and the doctor was FUMING that my Dad had not received any feedback!

I guess rather than rambling on... I need to spit it out... but then I am reading the words again... and those feelings I am afraid will come rushing back. I guess as long as I am alone at the office and noone can see my tears I will be okay...

My Dad's doctor basically said... it seems as if all of our options have only made you feel worse not better... and it seems as though despite the fight the cancer continues to spread. He discussed one last option... but was very vocal about the fact it may not help and could make matters worse again. They are going to do a injectable radiation... we were skeptical to begin with after knowing all the complications that arose from his last radiation. My Dad's esophagus was damaged and thus ensued his vomiting and lack of taste... and this horrible lingering taste that is not pleasant at all. The only reason we opted to give this a try is because it is injected into exactly where his tumors are and has little side-effects...

After this option he will have to wait a month to begin the clinical trial, that is if he ends up being eligible. If not... then this is pretty much it.

My Dad's doctor said that if we chose not to do the injectable radiation (but we did decide to do that) that at this point his suggestion was to give Dad whatever pain medications he may need to keep him comfortable... and ultimately wait for the cancer to take his life. Hearing those words... I looked at my father to see his face... the look of defeat momentarily filled his eyes... and I CHOKED BACK THE TEARS LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I looked over at my mom who was sitting on the other side of me to see tears well up in her eyes. I grabbed both their hands... squeezing them tightly.

I think we have known based on recent developments that my Dad's cancer is beginning to take its toll... he rests almost more than he doesn't... and when you look at him you can tell he isn't well. IT IS HEARING THOSE WORDS... LET CANCER TAKE YOUR LIFE... from the doctor that made me realize my instincts were correct... Dad's time it becoming more and more limited. I know he still has more fight... but the battle is becoming tougher to endure.

I want my Dad to continue to fight as long as he has quality of life... but when the time comes that the pain is too much to endure... I hope he will go quickly! I am certainly not giving up on him... and I feel fortunate every day I wake up to know that he is still here with me.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart"

I believe my Dad has much more life to live... in his courage and strength... I gain my own courage and strength. DAD, YOU ARE MY HERO!!

Hoping for some answers...

Today we go to the doctor... here is hoping for some answers on the next step. I worry about my Dad as he is "resting" more and more often. The littlest things drain his energy down to nothing...

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!