Can I take my last post back?

Well I guess sometimes you get what you ask for... even if you suddenly realize it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday was my Dad's doctor's appointment. I was suddenly brought down to the realization that what my heart had been telling was truly the reality... and I don't like it one bit. I guess it is one thing to tell yourself something but it is entirely different when you hear it out of the doctor's mouth.

We discussed my Dad's treatment and his options at this point. We also talked about the whole Houston Clinical Trial... and the doctor was FUMING that my Dad had not received any feedback!

I guess rather than rambling on... I need to spit it out... but then I am reading the words again... and those feelings I am afraid will come rushing back. I guess as long as I am alone at the office and noone can see my tears I will be okay...

My Dad's doctor basically said... it seems as if all of our options have only made you feel worse not better... and it seems as though despite the fight the cancer continues to spread. He discussed one last option... but was very vocal about the fact it may not help and could make matters worse again. They are going to do a injectable radiation... we were skeptical to begin with after knowing all the complications that arose from his last radiation. My Dad's esophagus was damaged and thus ensued his vomiting and lack of taste... and this horrible lingering taste that is not pleasant at all. The only reason we opted to give this a try is because it is injected into exactly where his tumors are and has little side-effects...

After this option he will have to wait a month to begin the clinical trial, that is if he ends up being eligible. If not... then this is pretty much it.

My Dad's doctor said that if we chose not to do the injectable radiation (but we did decide to do that) that at this point his suggestion was to give Dad whatever pain medications he may need to keep him comfortable... and ultimately wait for the cancer to take his life. Hearing those words... I looked at my father to see his face... the look of defeat momentarily filled his eyes... and I CHOKED BACK THE TEARS LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I looked over at my mom who was sitting on the other side of me to see tears well up in her eyes. I grabbed both their hands... squeezing them tightly.

I think we have known based on recent developments that my Dad's cancer is beginning to take its toll... he rests almost more than he doesn't... and when you look at him you can tell he isn't well. IT IS HEARING THOSE WORDS... LET CANCER TAKE YOUR LIFE... from the doctor that made me realize my instincts were correct... Dad's time it becoming more and more limited. I know he still has more fight... but the battle is becoming tougher to endure.

I want my Dad to continue to fight as long as he has quality of life... but when the time comes that the pain is too much to endure... I hope he will go quickly! I am certainly not giving up on him... and I feel fortunate every day I wake up to know that he is still here with me.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart"

I believe my Dad has much more life to live... in his courage and strength... I gain my own courage and strength. DAD, YOU ARE MY HERO!!

Hoping for some answers...

Today we go to the doctor... here is hoping for some answers on the next step. I worry about my Dad as he is "resting" more and more often. The littlest things drain his energy down to nothing...

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!

Nothing like the waiting game...

Well apparently urgency isn't a word used often out there... and promises of timelines are never kept! I think that I should be used to that by now... but I always hope the next turn will bring something different.

My Dad has been really sick lately... its not good. He used to just be plain tired... but now he is sick and tired. He is still fighting... and I love that about him!

I am really struggling to get into Christmas this year. It's not even just about the current situation in my family. I just hate that Christmas has become so much about expectations. It takes the fun out of gifting... It makes it so it seems like a chore.

I am looking for an attitude adjustment... I just hope I find it soon! :)

Strength... I am beginning to think I've forgotten what that is...

Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!

While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"

Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!

I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.

I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???

Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...

Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"

Radiation? Are you sure that's a good idea?

My Dad called his doctor yesterday, he was told to go up LDS hospital today so they could tatoo him for his radiation. WOW... seems like a speedy decision without any formal discussion.

I think I am somewhat tainted when it comes to radiation after I have personally seen what it can do to a person. Don't get me wrong, I want my Dad's pain to be alleviated, but I think sometimes the "cure" is worse than the "pain"... I just wished I had a chance to talk to the doctor so I felt better about the decision.

Here I go digging deep again for the strength to be supportive and help my Dad through this next phase!

Lost...

Here I am getting ready to post yet again... seems like I repeat myself over and over... but I think sometimes it is more so for me to actually get things to SINK in.

My Dad has not been having very good days lately, while the fever thing everynight seems to have eneded... another obstacle jumps in the path.

Yesterday, My Mom called to talk to me about Thanksgiving... and said my Dad was in a bad way. I immediately insist she gets him on the phone... and proceed through our normal conversation which goes something like this: "Hey my Favorite Dad, how are you feeling?" to which he's response is always "Oh... I am doing fine" to which my response has become... "Come on Dad... it's me... HOW ARE YOU REALLY"... After this line of questioning I eventually get to the bottom of what is up with him. Yesterday, he was in pain. He was experiencing odd pain in his upper back and chest, accompanied by some difficulty breathing. We talked and he seemed like things were okay.

On my way home from work, I stopped by Rick and Lisa's house (they live next door) to drop off some loan paperwork. I decided to pop in next door just to see how everything was going. I came in... found Roxanne and Phil in the front room and no parent's around. My Mom is always in her chair by the front door... and I knew immediately something was not right. Echo says to me Grandpa went to the hospital they think he may have blood clots. I try calling my parents cell phones to find out where they are and if they need anything... there are NO answers. I call Andrea who drove them up there and got the details. Back into the car and off to the Emergency room at the IMC Hospital.

We were there for SEVERAL hours while they poked, proded and tested my Dad for just about everything under the sun related to his symptoms. They finally ruled out he "blood clot" theory at about 9:15. The ER doctor pulled Dad's most recent bone scan and showed us a picture of where the cancer was.... WOW... looking at "CANCER" for the first time... seeing my Dad's body and knowing exactly where things were... A REALITY CHECK AGAIN. Turns out where my Dad's pain is there is a "high concentration" of bone cancer. They are talking about doing Radiation... but we won't know until Dad calls Dr. Nibley today.

After dropping my parents off, I headed home... couldn't get the thought of my poor Dad and his pain out of my head. I hardly slept at all... "ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

Yesterday was my Dad's 71st Birthday... DEFINITELY SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE! Still so young... although these past few months the battle is taking it's toll!

On Saturday, I had the family over for dinner and cake/icecream. When the family gets together it is never a small group... 36 total if EVERY member was there, 17 of us were there. It is always a good time when we get together to eat and visit.

Sunday, we stopped by my parent's place to fix the computer... we spent a few hours visiting. Towards the end of the visit my Dad started getting shakey again. Apparently it is now a nightly ritual... Dad gets shakey... takes temperature... temperature is high... takes Tylenol... lays in bed with a blanket to warm up... finally goes away in a few hours. He didn't go lay in bed... but he did have a temperature and did take Tylenol. When I was hugging him good-bye. His forehead was warm and sweaty... his hands cold as ice... and I MEAN COLD AS ICE... my back was cold for about 20 minutes after he touched me.

We mentioned the whole fever thing to the doctor and he seemed non-concerned about it. I on the otherhand can't imagine having a nightly fever is good and that there isn't an underlying issue. I guess we will find out when Dad goes back in a few weeks. Until then... we "just keep swimming swimming... "