Nothing like the waiting game...

Well apparently urgency isn't a word used often out there... and promises of timelines are never kept! I think that I should be used to that by now... but I always hope the next turn will bring something different.

My Dad has been really sick lately... its not good. He used to just be plain tired... but now he is sick and tired. He is still fighting... and I love that about him!

I am really struggling to get into Christmas this year. It's not even just about the current situation in my family. I just hate that Christmas has become so much about expectations. It takes the fun out of gifting... It makes it so it seems like a chore.

I am looking for an attitude adjustment... I just hope I find it soon! :)

Strength... I am beginning to think I've forgotten what that is...

Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!

While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"

Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!

I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.

I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???

Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...

Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"

Radiation? Are you sure that's a good idea?

My Dad called his doctor yesterday, he was told to go up LDS hospital today so they could tatoo him for his radiation. WOW... seems like a speedy decision without any formal discussion.

I think I am somewhat tainted when it comes to radiation after I have personally seen what it can do to a person. Don't get me wrong, I want my Dad's pain to be alleviated, but I think sometimes the "cure" is worse than the "pain"... I just wished I had a chance to talk to the doctor so I felt better about the decision.

Here I go digging deep again for the strength to be supportive and help my Dad through this next phase!

Lost...

Here I am getting ready to post yet again... seems like I repeat myself over and over... but I think sometimes it is more so for me to actually get things to SINK in.

My Dad has not been having very good days lately, while the fever thing everynight seems to have eneded... another obstacle jumps in the path.

Yesterday, My Mom called to talk to me about Thanksgiving... and said my Dad was in a bad way. I immediately insist she gets him on the phone... and proceed through our normal conversation which goes something like this: "Hey my Favorite Dad, how are you feeling?" to which he's response is always "Oh... I am doing fine" to which my response has become... "Come on Dad... it's me... HOW ARE YOU REALLY"... After this line of questioning I eventually get to the bottom of what is up with him. Yesterday, he was in pain. He was experiencing odd pain in his upper back and chest, accompanied by some difficulty breathing. We talked and he seemed like things were okay.

On my way home from work, I stopped by Rick and Lisa's house (they live next door) to drop off some loan paperwork. I decided to pop in next door just to see how everything was going. I came in... found Roxanne and Phil in the front room and no parent's around. My Mom is always in her chair by the front door... and I knew immediately something was not right. Echo says to me Grandpa went to the hospital they think he may have blood clots. I try calling my parents cell phones to find out where they are and if they need anything... there are NO answers. I call Andrea who drove them up there and got the details. Back into the car and off to the Emergency room at the IMC Hospital.

We were there for SEVERAL hours while they poked, proded and tested my Dad for just about everything under the sun related to his symptoms. They finally ruled out he "blood clot" theory at about 9:15. The ER doctor pulled Dad's most recent bone scan and showed us a picture of where the cancer was.... WOW... looking at "CANCER" for the first time... seeing my Dad's body and knowing exactly where things were... A REALITY CHECK AGAIN. Turns out where my Dad's pain is there is a "high concentration" of bone cancer. They are talking about doing Radiation... but we won't know until Dad calls Dr. Nibley today.

After dropping my parents off, I headed home... couldn't get the thought of my poor Dad and his pain out of my head. I hardly slept at all... "ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

Yesterday was my Dad's 71st Birthday... DEFINITELY SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE! Still so young... although these past few months the battle is taking it's toll!

On Saturday, I had the family over for dinner and cake/icecream. When the family gets together it is never a small group... 36 total if EVERY member was there, 17 of us were there. It is always a good time when we get together to eat and visit.

Sunday, we stopped by my parent's place to fix the computer... we spent a few hours visiting. Towards the end of the visit my Dad started getting shakey again. Apparently it is now a nightly ritual... Dad gets shakey... takes temperature... temperature is high... takes Tylenol... lays in bed with a blanket to warm up... finally goes away in a few hours. He didn't go lay in bed... but he did have a temperature and did take Tylenol. When I was hugging him good-bye. His forehead was warm and sweaty... his hands cold as ice... and I MEAN COLD AS ICE... my back was cold for about 20 minutes after he touched me.

We mentioned the whole fever thing to the doctor and he seemed non-concerned about it. I on the otherhand can't imagine having a nightly fever is good and that there isn't an underlying issue. I guess we will find out when Dad goes back in a few weeks. Until then... we "just keep swimming swimming... "

Not sure what to think...

Well here it is over a month has passed without anything more to say! I sometimes feel like it is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling so I just keep things bottled inside... not the best idea... but it is an idea that I pratice on a regular basis.

Since my Dad's last doctor's appointment the issues I'd hope would disappear have been slow to do so... or basically haven't disappeared at all. My Dad's feet are still swollen... he doesn't feel all that great EVER... yeah that is right EVER. He is just plan worn out...

The other night I stopped by to visit with my parents and help them make some decisions financially for their future. As my Dad and I sat at the table going through paperwork discussing the best options and sorting through everything, my Dad said to me for the first time ever since his battle began says "with the way I am feeling I am not sure I will be around much longer"... I sat their baffled that my Dad the postive one through all of this just said that to me. I have begged him to be open with me so I am not "blindsided" by anything that happens with regards to his health... but those words made my heart stop beating.

I tried to not cry at least not in front of him... as we finished up the paperwork I just kept thinking is he warning me? Is it just him wanting me to be in perspective of how he feels? What should I think/do?

On the way home I told Deven what was said and broke down slightly as the words escaped my mouth. My sweet husband reminded me maybe I needed to be more available to go see my Dad, to not loose track of the days between visits... so I think that is the goal for now. Deven is my Rock... 8 years ago yesterday we lost his amazing father to a battle with cancer.

My Mom said the other day... Your Dad never has a good day... I lost it again then.

I appreciate the fact that I still have my Dad... EVERY DAY... YES EVERY DAY... I feel lucky that he is still here... every birthday I wish for him to make it to my next... for his quality of life... for him to be happy!

This next week we go to the doctor so I guess we will see what the next step is...

STRENGTH... BEING STRONG... an attribute I wish I encompassed more of... But I put one foot in front of the other... and a smile on my face!

I LOVE YOU DAD!

Full of mixed emotions

Well today is the first time in a long time I cried with a friend. I guess it is okay to break down every once in a while, right? I have been trying all day to sort through all that is going on in my head. Feelings of relief, being scared, wondering what lies ahead... some days I just feel lost in myself!

My Dad had his appointment for Chemo #9 today (although that didn't happen). My Dad and I are what we refer to as "Chemo Buddies" I have been to every appointment all along the way.

My Dad had a bone scan yesterday to determine the progression of his bone cancer. Today... we received the results... my Dad, the doctor and me... all in a room. As I hear the news I am torn... should I be happy? should I be sad? should I be scared? I look at the doctor for any expression "grasping at straws" on whether I should panic or just know this is another step in the road. The doctor as he looks over the results says... "well it is good news, the activity on the previous scan was healing not spreading..." a pause "however, it looks like you have new lesions on your left hip"... room closes in and I glance back and forth from doctor to Dad.

As a background... I should say that my Dad has been participating in a clinical trial to try to find better treatments for prostate cancer. He has been taking clinical trial medication and been monitored by a group of doctors determining how well the treatment is working. We don't know if my Dad is receiving the actual pill or a placebo instead. Due to the risks involved because there is additional new activity, the clinical trial is coming to an end. Here is where the torn feelings come in, my Dad has been super sick with Chemo, and all kinds of things are going on with his body... No clinicial trial = no more Chemo (at this time)... no Chemo = Dad's body gets a chance to recover and heal... NO CHEMO... GREAT NEWS... NEW CANCER BAD NEWS... processing it... thinking about it... worrying about it... contemplating how I should react to it...

I decided along time ago that my struggles with My Dad's whole prognosis would be something I dealt with behind him... not in front of him. IMMEDIATELY I began pointing out all of the good things that NO CHEMO would bring... feeling back in his feet... no swollen ankles/legs/feet... food would taste good again... energy would begin to increase... ALL GOOD THINGS... I smiled and put on my bravest face. Yet, at the back of my mind I keep hearing "you have new lesions"....MY DAD... NO NOT MY DAD... somehow he will pull through this...

I am sooo torn as I sit here tonight. I am thrilled that my Dad gets a chance to feel good for a while... and praying that he is not starting down a road to continued spreading...

BE STRONG... I MUST BE STRONG... FOR ME... FOR MY SISTER... FOR MY DAD... FOR MY MOM... FOR MY FAMILY!!!!

Tears roll down my cheeks... but I feel grateful that my Dad is my Dad... I couldn't ask for a better one!

I LOVE YOU DAD... here's to quality of life... and the hope that with that comes quantity! I am not ready to let you go! :)