Well today is the first time in a long time I cried with a friend. I guess it is okay to break down every once in a while, right? I have been trying all day to sort through all that is going on in my head. Feelings of relief, being scared, wondering what lies ahead... some days I just feel lost in myself!
My Dad had his appointment for Chemo #9 today (although that didn't happen). My Dad and I are what we refer to as "Chemo Buddies" I have been to every appointment all along the way.
My Dad had a bone scan yesterday to determine the progression of his bone cancer. Today... we received the results... my Dad, the doctor and me... all in a room. As I hear the news I am torn... should I be happy? should I be sad? should I be scared? I look at the doctor for any expression "grasping at straws" on whether I should panic or just know this is another step in the road. The doctor as he looks over the results says... "well it is good news, the activity on the previous scan was healing not spreading..." a pause "however, it looks like you have new lesions on your left hip"... room closes in and I glance back and forth from doctor to Dad.
As a background... I should say that my Dad has been participating in a clinical trial to try to find better treatments for prostate cancer. He has been taking clinical trial medication and been monitored by a group of doctors determining how well the treatment is working. We don't know if my Dad is receiving the actual pill or a placebo instead. Due to the risks involved because there is additional new activity, the clinical trial is coming to an end. Here is where the torn feelings come in, my Dad has been super sick with Chemo, and all kinds of things are going on with his body... No clinicial trial = no more Chemo (at this time)... no Chemo = Dad's body gets a chance to recover and heal... NO CHEMO... GREAT NEWS... NEW CANCER BAD NEWS... processing it... thinking about it... worrying about it... contemplating how I should react to it...
I decided along time ago that my struggles with My Dad's whole prognosis would be something I dealt with behind him... not in front of him. IMMEDIATELY I began pointing out all of the good things that NO CHEMO would bring... feeling back in his feet... no swollen ankles/legs/feet... food would taste good again... energy would begin to increase... ALL GOOD THINGS... I smiled and put on my bravest face. Yet, at the back of my mind I keep hearing "you have new lesions"....MY DAD... NO NOT MY DAD... somehow he will pull through this...
I am sooo torn as I sit here tonight. I am thrilled that my Dad gets a chance to feel good for a while... and praying that he is not starting down a road to continued spreading...
BE STRONG... I MUST BE STRONG... FOR ME... FOR MY SISTER... FOR MY DAD... FOR MY MOM... FOR MY FAMILY!!!!
Tears roll down my cheeks... but I feel grateful that my Dad is my Dad... I couldn't ask for a better one!
I LOVE YOU DAD... here's to quality of life... and the hope that with that comes quantity! I am not ready to let you go! :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Long time... no post
Well here we are almost 2 months since my last post! It seems like parts of my life seem to be standing still while others are moving at the speed of light.
My Dad just had Chemo treatment #8... 4 more to go for this round of chemo. He is no longer working which is a mixed blessing. I think work kept his mind focused on other things and allowed him some time for himself to a point. Now he is home caring for my mom and the kids full time and it seems he looks more exhausted than before. He has developed slight neuropathy... and we hope it stays "slight" if it progresses any further chemo comes to a stand still.
My Mom just had another back surgery and goes in again tomorrow for another one. They have implanted electrical "shockers" in her back to help numb the nerve pain. I was surprised to hear my Mom actually admit they seem to be helping. She has really become dependent on other means of controlling pain, that I feared she would be too put off that some of those may lessen or come to a halt.
We had our annual family reunion over the 24th of July. It was fun to see so many members of my extended family.
One of my best friends just got engaged... I am so HAPPY FOR HER!!! She has met a super nice guy who treats her so good... I am excited.
I think that is a basic update of all that has been going on... I will "blog" more later...
My Dad just had Chemo treatment #8... 4 more to go for this round of chemo. He is no longer working which is a mixed blessing. I think work kept his mind focused on other things and allowed him some time for himself to a point. Now he is home caring for my mom and the kids full time and it seems he looks more exhausted than before. He has developed slight neuropathy... and we hope it stays "slight" if it progresses any further chemo comes to a stand still.
My Mom just had another back surgery and goes in again tomorrow for another one. They have implanted electrical "shockers" in her back to help numb the nerve pain. I was surprised to hear my Mom actually admit they seem to be helping. She has really become dependent on other means of controlling pain, that I feared she would be too put off that some of those may lessen or come to a halt.
We had our annual family reunion over the 24th of July. It was fun to see so many members of my extended family.
One of my best friends just got engaged... I am so HAPPY FOR HER!!! She has met a super nice guy who treats her so good... I am excited.
I think that is a basic update of all that has been going on... I will "blog" more later...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
In the face of adversity
Seems sometimes the people you are trying to help are the ones sabotaging the "rescue" efforts. After the way things went down at Mom's birthday party... my Sister really stepped up to help me figure out how to rectify the situation.
My Sister went over to my parents house numbered all of my Mom's medications.She bought a pill box and sorted all of the medication out so that it can be done easily by my Mom or Dad weekly. Part of the issue is that my Mom's concept of time is completely backwards and I think often times she over medicates herself without realizing it because she thinks more time has passed that what actually has. It was amazing the turn around in her "behavior" once she started to take the right dose.
Of course, things aren't perfect but you can see glimpses of my Mom which I feared were long gone. We also tried to send a letter to my Mom's doctor since neither one of us could attend the appointment asking him to get permission from my Mom to discuss some of the issues we were concerned about. My Mom's hair and teeth are falling out... and she has some pretty classic signs of Toxic Chemical Poisioning... of course we aren't doctors but the symptoms surely point that direction. Unfortunately, the letter got into my parents hands and they never delivered it to the doctor. I think my Mom was too concerned about loosing her pain medications that she didn't want to risk it! SABATOGED... and FRUSTRATED... most days I wonder if it is worth the fight!
I guess we will see if this additional back procedure will help and if so hopefully the pain meds will slowly disappear!
On a happier note... Deven is back to work! :)
My Sister went over to my parents house numbered all of my Mom's medications.She bought a pill box and sorted all of the medication out so that it can be done easily by my Mom or Dad weekly. Part of the issue is that my Mom's concept of time is completely backwards and I think often times she over medicates herself without realizing it because she thinks more time has passed that what actually has. It was amazing the turn around in her "behavior" once she started to take the right dose.
Of course, things aren't perfect but you can see glimpses of my Mom which I feared were long gone. We also tried to send a letter to my Mom's doctor since neither one of us could attend the appointment asking him to get permission from my Mom to discuss some of the issues we were concerned about. My Mom's hair and teeth are falling out... and she has some pretty classic signs of Toxic Chemical Poisioning... of course we aren't doctors but the symptoms surely point that direction. Unfortunately, the letter got into my parents hands and they never delivered it to the doctor. I think my Mom was too concerned about loosing her pain medications that she didn't want to risk it! SABATOGED... and FRUSTRATED... most days I wonder if it is worth the fight!
I guess we will see if this additional back procedure will help and if so hopefully the pain meds will slowly disappear!
On a happier note... Deven is back to work! :)
Friday, June 5, 2009
A healthy dose of reality
WOW... what a crazy few weeks it's been. Life is constantly taking turns that are unexpected.
Last weekend my sibilings/spouses and I went over to my parents and did yard clean up! It was a huge task but with several of us we got the task done and I think they are grateful it is done for another year!
My Mom's health is really going downhill. We celebrated her 69th birthday on Wednesday night... I don't even know if she knew it was her birthday. She was so out of it. She was in the hospital last week for dehydration... and she is still not doing all that well. Mom kept falling asleep and couldn't read her cards so I read them to her, then asked if she wanted to open her gifts she asked me to. It was gut wrenching. I remember not more than 5 years ago when she was up and moving around and still an active participatant in all of the family gatherings. Now her body is physically there but her mind is in another place entirely!
I think I have finally convinced everyone that this MUST change if we want Mom to still be around! I hope in the next few weeks I will be able to intervene and begin working on getting her back to a coherent state.
On a happier note... Deven and I are off to camp this weekend. I think this trip will just be the two of us and Scooby which is much needed for both of us!
Humor and putting one foot in front of the other will keep me moving forward as this battle is just beginning!
Last weekend my sibilings/spouses and I went over to my parents and did yard clean up! It was a huge task but with several of us we got the task done and I think they are grateful it is done for another year!
My Mom's health is really going downhill. We celebrated her 69th birthday on Wednesday night... I don't even know if she knew it was her birthday. She was so out of it. She was in the hospital last week for dehydration... and she is still not doing all that well. Mom kept falling asleep and couldn't read her cards so I read them to her, then asked if she wanted to open her gifts she asked me to. It was gut wrenching. I remember not more than 5 years ago when she was up and moving around and still an active participatant in all of the family gatherings. Now her body is physically there but her mind is in another place entirely!
I think I have finally convinced everyone that this MUST change if we want Mom to still be around! I hope in the next few weeks I will be able to intervene and begin working on getting her back to a coherent state.
On a happier note... Deven and I are off to camp this weekend. I think this trip will just be the two of us and Scooby which is much needed for both of us!
Humor and putting one foot in front of the other will keep me moving forward as this battle is just beginning!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Reaching a breaking point...
Over the past few months I have tried to use humor to get me through the tough times.... and for the most part I must say it seems to be working! I know one thing for sure it at least makes me more pleasant to be around. As of yesterday... however, I think my humor is now being replaced with anger!
I just can't understand how children can all be raised by the same parents and turn out so entirely different... not even in the same realm! I am at a loss! Some of my sibilings continue to make the same mistakes over and over like they can't seem to realize that the outcome of their choices will always be the same! IT ANGERS ME!!!
It is also getting more and more difficult for me not force my family into talking about my Mom's dependency problems "the elephant in the room". I had a 15 minute conversation with her yesterday of which I understood 3 sentences. What a sad statement... where has my Mom gone? Is there even a glimpse of her still left? I haven't seen her truly be herself in over 2 years...
My Dad is forced to face the issues on top of the fact that he is fighting a battle for his life. I think sometimes things are easier left unsaid because of the overwhelming concept of coping with it. I know that is how I feel most days... and I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for him.
I think my breaking point is or has been reached... and that there is a "battle" to fight to get my family back on the right track . I only hope I have the strength still left in me to fight this war!
I just can't understand how children can all be raised by the same parents and turn out so entirely different... not even in the same realm! I am at a loss! Some of my sibilings continue to make the same mistakes over and over like they can't seem to realize that the outcome of their choices will always be the same! IT ANGERS ME!!!
It is also getting more and more difficult for me not force my family into talking about my Mom's dependency problems "the elephant in the room". I had a 15 minute conversation with her yesterday of which I understood 3 sentences. What a sad statement... where has my Mom gone? Is there even a glimpse of her still left? I haven't seen her truly be herself in over 2 years...
My Dad is forced to face the issues on top of the fact that he is fighting a battle for his life. I think sometimes things are easier left unsaid because of the overwhelming concept of coping with it. I know that is how I feel most days... and I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for him.
I think my breaking point is or has been reached... and that there is a "battle" to fight to get my family back on the right track . I only hope I have the strength still left in me to fight this war!
Monday, May 11, 2009
True courage and strength...
WOW... what an interesting week this past week has been . Dad had his third dose of Chemo. He remains positive which never ceases to amaze me. His blood count is low and so he is going in for a blood tranfusion today. He is struggling to breathe because of the lack of blood to carry oxygen... he hasn't felt really great but tries to bury that deep down.
On Saturday we had the Race for the Cure... it was truly moving to see all of the people who showed up to support the cause. In my family alone there were about 15... Laurie, Kameo, Cierra, Chloe, Mom, Dad, Echo, Austin, Rick, Lisa, Jessi, Deven, Myself, Jennie and Tom. Laurie and my Dad both had just had Chemo two days before yet neither one of them would allow us to push them along the course they walked every step of the way... a true sign of strength. My Dad was really hurting yesterday... but yet he never complains!
My work family also showed up to support the cause and me as well... I am truly lucky to work with such amazing people!
I am constantly aware of the fact that I have been so lucky to be able to surround myself with a support system who keep my spirits up and my feet moving forward.
On Saturday we had the Race for the Cure... it was truly moving to see all of the people who showed up to support the cause. In my family alone there were about 15... Laurie, Kameo, Cierra, Chloe, Mom, Dad, Echo, Austin, Rick, Lisa, Jessi, Deven, Myself, Jennie and Tom. Laurie and my Dad both had just had Chemo two days before yet neither one of them would allow us to push them along the course they walked every step of the way... a true sign of strength. My Dad was really hurting yesterday... but yet he never complains!
My work family also showed up to support the cause and me as well... I am truly lucky to work with such amazing people!
I am constantly aware of the fact that I have been so lucky to be able to surround myself with a support system who keep my spirits up and my feet moving forward.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Am I awake?
Well let's see... Deven and I have been really trying to focus on my "down" time so that I can keep up with everything that lies ahead. I must say I am so fortunate to have such an amazingly understanding husband throughout this whole ordeal! He reminds me daily how it's okay to feel how I feel and keeps perspective for the days ahead.
Chemo was rough on my Dad for the first week or so... he hurt worse than he has ever hurt. He didn't feel real great either... but he is a trooper and keeps moving forward! He is still working full-time and has amazed me with his strength! His hair fell out and now he is bald... that will definitely throw reality back into your face as now when you look at him you can tell he is sick. He has definitely not appeared sick before this... so this has been a bit hard! He looks much better with a bald head then I would have guessed!
My Dad's next chemo appointment is Thursday... so my fingers are crossed that this time will be easier not harder! GOOD LUCK DAD!
I am excited for the warm weather... we can start using the trailer and get away for short weekend trips. It will be a good "escape" and fun to spend time with my hubby and puppy without the chaos of life.
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