True courage and strength...

WOW... what an interesting week this past week has been . Dad had his third dose of Chemo. He remains positive which never ceases to amaze me. His blood count is low and so he is going in for a blood tranfusion today. He is struggling to breathe because of the lack of blood to carry oxygen... he hasn't felt really great but tries to bury that deep down.

On Saturday we had the Race for the Cure... it was truly moving to see all of the people who showed up to support the cause. In my family alone there were about 15... Laurie, Kameo, Cierra, Chloe, Mom, Dad, Echo, Austin, Rick, Lisa, Jessi, Deven, Myself, Jennie and Tom. Laurie and my Dad both had just had Chemo two days before yet neither one of them would allow us to push them along the course they walked every step of the way... a true sign of strength. My Dad was really hurting yesterday... but yet he never complains!

My work family also showed up to support the cause and me as well... I am truly lucky to work with such amazing people!

I am constantly aware of the fact that I have been so lucky to be able to surround myself with a support system who keep my spirits up and my feet moving forward.

Am I awake?

Well let's see... Deven and I  have been really trying to focus on my "down" time so that I can keep up with everything that lies ahead.  I must say I am so fortunate to have such an amazingly understanding husband throughout this whole ordeal!  He reminds me daily how it's okay to feel how I feel and keeps perspective for the days ahead. 

Chemo was rough on my Dad for the first week or so... he hurt worse than he has ever hurt. He didn't feel real great either... but he is a trooper and keeps moving forward!  He is still working full-time and has amazed me with his strength!  His hair fell out and now he is bald... that will definitely throw reality back into your face as now when you look at him you can tell he is sick.  He has definitely not appeared sick before this... so this has been a bit hard!  He looks much better with a bald head then I would have guessed!

My Dad's next chemo appointment is Thursday... so my fingers are crossed that this time will be easier not harder!  GOOD LUCK DAD! 

I am excited for the warm weather... we can start using the trailer and get away for short weekend trips. It will be a good "escape" and fun to spend time with my hubby and puppy without the chaos of life. 

“Escaping is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

Wow... so that is what they call surreal...

Today was my Dad's first chemo appointment. I had made sure to prepare him a "chemo bag" with all the essentials they mentioned that he would need during the course of his therapy!

After speaking to the doctor, catching up on the bone scan results, his MRIs, CT scans etc... the cancer is spreading in the bones but hasn't infiltrated any of his organs which is good news.

Chemo was a surreal experience... my dad in one chair hooked up to the IV and Laurie hooked up in the chair next to him. I totally felt like I was in a nightmare. Two of the people who mean so much to me in life... fighting this horrible disease! Words can't even begin to describe how helpless and angry I felt all at the same time!

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."

Emotionally Overwhelmed???

I am unsure of exactly what is going on with me... but the last few days have been a bit emotionally overwhelming for me. The emotions aren't even necessarily sad... partially angry... tired... scared... some of it I am not even sure how to explain!

This weekend my family all got together and cleaned my parent's house in preparation for Dad's Chemo this week... it is hard to believe this Thursday is the day. I recognize this might be part of the emotional chaos inside of me... but at the same time... I think I should have much better control at this point in time.

If I could only devise a way to work through this without pushing the people I love away... without feeling mean... bitter... angry... lonely... I just am at a loss! I am sure this is just another phase in this journey... but I'd hope I would have things figured out!

"Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out our courage and strength. "

A moment to reflect...

I took a moment to reflect this weekend on how fortunate I am... how lucky I have been in life and how many good people I have come to know. I feel like there are so many people I have to thank for the person I have become.

Life isn't perfect... in fact lately I would say life has become a bit of a drag... but no matter how bad I think I have it there is always going to be someone out there who has it worse... and I think keeping that in perspective allows me to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook!

I hate that I am having to go through all of this with my Dad... but at least I have been able to have a wonderful relationship with my Dad. There are many people out there who never knew their Dads and that thought makes me sad. My Dad has been someone who has been a constant in my life... he is someone who could put a smile on my face even when I tried my hardest to be angry. He always knows how to fix whatever is broken... he can provide me with sound advice even if I don't take it. He is someone who I have always looked to for strength... and truly one of my best friends!

I think it is easier to focus on the negative, even when there is positive all around us. But without negative who would know what postive feels like?

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you could miss it."

The date is set

FINALLY... I know when my Dad will begin Chemotherapy... March 26th is the big day!  I am not sure how to feel about the whole ordeal and I am not the one getting the treatment.  I am very scared for him... nobody can predict exactly how your body will react so it is all a guessing game as far as how you will feel afterward.  Most often times though it is sick... I am going with him to his first treatment... nobody should have to battle this disease alone! 

I am throwing a "hat" party for Laurie... hopefully it will help lift her spirits and remind her that we are all out her pulling for her! 

In other news... I am loving my job change and things seem to be going amazingly well... doors are opening and I am bound and determined to make things happen!  I am done sitting on the sidelines! 

The waiting game...

While they say patience is a virtue... I am not sure it is one I am in possession of! I wonder how or where I can find some...

My Dad finally got the results of his bone scan which until he sees the doctor consisted of nothing more than "your cancer is progressing"... don't they know what that does to a person... how far? how quickly? any new areas? anything we need to be concerned about... HELLOOOOO you need to be a little more specific! Thus my statement above... yeah I don't do well at this waiting thing. Chemo therapy we know is around the corner... but that too is a never ending question of when. They are asking my Dad to be part of a clinical trial for a new type of drug used in conjunction with chemo to combat prostate cancer. This of course "drags" out the processes as there are extra test etc that need to happen prior to determining if he is eligible to take part. I understand there are processes and procedures... but damn it I want to know the "time-line"

Yesterday we had a family meeting at my house to prepare everyone for the serious nature of chemo and how we all need to pull together to help my parents out in everyway we can... I was worried with the underlying emotions that things could get ugly... but all and all things went well. It is amazing how things like this can really pull a family together!

Laurie starts chemo next week... she is a little worried about the side effects... but she is strong! I am going to lunch with her tomorrow... I look forward to seeing her!

My hubby sent me flowers this last week reminding me that together we will make it through anything... he always seems to know when I am in need of the extra boost to get me through the day... he is my superstar!

"If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself."