Dorky Daughter Dora

HAPPY BIRTHAY TO DADDY!!!

2011-10-26T08:03:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Dad -

How are things in Heaven? Do they even celebrate birthdays there? What have you been up to? Been hanging around here lately?

I can't help but think of you not only on your birthday but this time of year. You loved the holidays and I remember looking forward to every moment I got to spend with you during them. Halloween was one of your favorites... and the costume parties you loved!

I looked through some pictures of you this morning, it was difficult but despite the tears shed, put a smile on my face. I still remember your voice, your smile, your humor so clearly. I hope that over time that never fades!

I miss you and love you! Hope your Birthday is amazing... wish I was celebrating it with you!

All my love,
Amy

Feeling overly emotional lately...

2011-06-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if it is because of Father's Day... if it is just me being a girl... stress... lack of quality sleep... but I have been so close to tears in the past week or so it is crazy. I don't feel sad... in general. There are always moments of sadness in my day, there has been for several years now, but I don't feel depressed.

I miss my Dad... this I know is true. The reality as years go on that I won't see him again at least not for a long time... rips me apart. I know people get sick of hearing it, but it is the first time I have felt loss in its entirety. I felt loss when Deven's Dad passed a HUGE loss, but when it is someone whose blood courses through your veins it is way harder than I ever imagined.

I guess one of these days maybe I will figure it all out, but for now... I just keep wondering what the heck my own deal is... I can only imagine what the people around me must think!

Being bad at blogging

2011-05-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

WOW... I just realized how bad I have been at blogging. I used to use this as an outlet... it helped me to express things that were so painful it was often times hard to find the right words. I think after going through all of that I have just began to reclose my doors... build up my walls and try to go through the motions of life without really "feeling" anything. I don't really know how to explain it other than pretty much a numbness. The only feeling I think I have felt in a while is "anger" when it really felt like a feeling if that makes sense.

I think I may need to start re-evaluating what is going on with me and figure out an outlet so that I can begin to be me again. I just simply shut everyone out... I notice when the phone rings I don't really want to talk... I'd just as soon just be with me... in my own little corner of the world.

I guess I will sort through this all...

HAPPY 17th ANNIVERSARY HOT HUBBY!!!

2011-02-09T07:34:00.001-08:00

It was 17 years ago today, I knelt across from my hubby with family gathered close to be married. I still remember that day vividly.

This morning my hubby and I handed each other cards at the same exact time without words being exchanged... it is amazing how after all these years you become so intune with someone. My hubby's card to me was so sweet. When he left for work this morning he said "thank you for marrying me 5o years ago..."

I think tonight we after we both get off work we will probably go to dinner and just spend time with one another.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY... I LOVE YOU MORE TODAY THAN THE DAY I MARRIED YOU!!! You are my rock, my love and my everything! :) YOU COMPLETE ME! :)

Happy Ground Hog's Day! :)

2011-02-07T13:23:00.001-08:00

I know I am a little late... this year the birthday was spent a little more "happily" then last year!

Here's the "play by play" of the day... got up in the morning and did the norm... got lunch ready... coffee brewing... all that good stuff. Opened up presents from the hubs... busco ball and medicine ball (yeah I am trying to get my work out back on) Then headed down stairs to work out. Once my workout was over I induldged by having a rockstar and a yummy orange roll for breakfast. Then hit the shower and off to the "races". Work was busy... and I worked away... Lunch time arrived and to Applebees with the co-workers/my bestie we went... appetizers and drinks for lunch. When I got back to the office I was surprised by flowers from my hubby... 36 long stemmed roses... YEAH you could say I am spoiled. But like he told me all day "I am worth it"... :) I love that man! Work ran a little late so needless to say I had to choose somewhere quick to eat... dinner was yeah... NOT GOOD... but not anyone's fault. Back home for cake and icecream with the fam-dam... :) all in all a good day.

I did my best to celebrate life... I know it is a gift and I am grateful for it! So happy birthday to me... may this year be filled with love, laughter and those I hold dear! :)

1 year ago this very day...

2011-01-31T05:56:00.001-08:00

WOW... I can remember the details like it was just yesterday... right now all of us were gathered in Dad's hospital room. The room was filled way beyond "capacity" as the hospital allowed everyone to be there because they knew his time was drawing to a close. My hubby had been with me all night along with all of the family but had just ran home to let Scooby out and feed him... I called him telling him I needed him to hurry back Dad's vitals were dropping and I couldn't go through this without him! Dad rallied for a few more hours... he was a fighter to the very end.

At about 9:00 everyone was tired and hungry... it had been a long sleepless night. Most of the crowd stepped out to grab food. My sister, Mom, my brother Rick and I were alone in the room gathered around the bed. We were talking to Dad and expressing our feelings. I once again told him that if I could be only half the person he was in life I would consider my life a success. I made sure he knew I would take care of my Mom. Rick, Wendy, and Mom talked to him as well... I kept a close eye on the monitor as I could tell Dad's breathing was becoming more and more shallow... at 9:25 I looked at Dad's chest and it was no longer moving, I checked the monitors to be sure and informed everyone in the room that Dad had passed. We all lost it. Deven had just walked back into the room at the moment. I grabbed him and held him so tight as I began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my Dad already and he just took his last breath!

A year has passed and yet it seems like he left this world only moments ago!

A year ago your battle ended, you fought hard and showed such strength.
You lived your life with selflessness, you showed love at length.
Life goes on around us, everything looks the same,
But there is no answer when we call your name.
The memories of you live on; you brought happiness to our days,
Your smile, your hugs, your gentle voice, we miss you in so many ways.
Those memories are a keepsake, from which we will never part
God has you in his keeping; we have you in our heart.

As I have said in many previous blogs, I feel so fortunate to be the daugther of such an amazing man. A man who touch the life of so many, who left such a huge impact on those around him that it makes it difficult to live without him!

I love you, Dad! You are my hero... and you are missed!

Reflecting on 2010... and a few other thoughts...

2011-01-03T07:31:00.000-08:00

As we said "good-bye" to 2010 it was bitter sweet. While the year was filled with much sorrow... it was the last year I saw my Dad alive. It was the last time I felt his arms around me... the last time I brought the new year in with him... like I said bitter sweet! In 2010, we said good-bye to a wonderful man, my hero. We spent most the year trying to make heads or tails of life and making due anyway we could. My hubby and I have grown closer as he has been my rock and support through my roller coaster. I haven't been the most fun to be around this year... I still struggle to find a way to deal with the loss.

As I said good-bye to 2009... I vowed to be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend... I am not sure I have succeed at all in any category. But I do know I feel closer to those around me who have patiently tolerated my moodiness and loved me despite my faults!

Yesterday my neice's baby boy was blessed. My Dad's best friend blessed him... as the words "I stand in proxy for this baby's great grandfather who is here in spirit" was uttered the tears began to flow. I feel so lucky that my Dad had such a great friend... a man who has been a huge part of our lives and has been there to step in at occasions when needed after my Dad left this world behind.

So here's to 2011... may I continue to grow and appreciate those around me. May I strive to appreciate each day for life is a gift and should be treated as such! (good or bad)

There's so much to be thankful for...

2010-12-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

It is hard sometimes with all that life has handed me this year to remember this... but it is TRUE there is so much to be thankful for... and that includes having such a huge role model in my life who by being his daughter made me want to be a better person... I LOVE THE LYRICS to this song below

"Somedays, we forget to look around us,

Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,

so caught up inside ourselves, we take when we should give,

so for tonight we pray for, what we know can be,

and on this day we hope for, what we still can't see,

It's up to us, to be the change,

and even though we all can still do more, there's so much to be Thankful for,

look beyond ourselves, there's so much sorrow,

it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow each of us must find our truth,

it's so long overdue, so for tonight we pray for, what we know can be,

and everyday, we hope for, what we still can't see,

it's up to us, to be the change, and even though we all can still do more,

there's so much to be thankful for, even with our differences,

there is a place were all connected, each of us can find each others light,

So for tonight, we pray for what we know can be,

and on this day, we hope for, what we still can't see,

it's up to us, to be the change,

and even though this world can still do so much more

there's so much to be thankful for. "

I am thankful and honored to be your daughter, I only hope I can live up to the legacy you left behind! THANK YOU, DADDY! :)

A little heart ache...

2010-12-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

Dad -

I just wanted to let you know the void that is felt with you not around. The holidays have been good, but without you there it always feels like something is missing.

I often find myself wondering what you are doing, if you've been around, how you are feeling. I wish for one brief moment I could get a glimpse of where you are!

I love you so much!!!
Amy

Another healthy dose of perspective...

2010-12-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

Yep another healthy dose of perspective has been handed to me... just when I was about to loose mine... LUCKY ME!!! :)

Expressing Gratitude

2010-11-30T07:17:00.000-08:00

It hasn't been all to often this year I have express gratitude for anything. I have been all too caught up in my world of emptiness and loss...

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude. I am extremely grateful for my support system... to my amazing husband, I only wish I could go back in time now I know how it feels and be more supportive. To my family who despite all of the ups and downs that have been part of this year... thank you for all you do. To my friends whom have put up with my moodiness and general grumpy attitude... I do know with time this aspect of grieving will come to an end.

I feel so blessed to have had the father figures in my life that I did. I feel fortunate to have been taken in as part of Deven's family and loved as if I was a daughter. For my amazing father whom I aspire to be more like... a day doesn't go past without a thought of him in my mind...

As the holidays approach the loss feels more real... so many traditions involved my Dad as the "heart"...

Despite the ups and downs and I grateful for all of the above and more... for these are the people and things that mold me into the person I am today...

Happy Thanksgiving (a few days late)!

Going through the motions...

2010-11-17T07:19:00.000-08:00

Not sure what is up with me lately but I feel like I am not really here and my body is just going through motions. I hope I snap out of it soon!

Happy Birthday to my "other" Dad!

2010-11-02T06:51:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Joe! It is hard to believe it has been 9 years since you passed away! I think of you often... especially when planning family trips. I remember how you loved to plan things on the "fly" and we'd have to get work off for the next week to head on some adventure you had planned. I miss your infectious laugh... your zest for life.

You left a beautiful legacy behind... I am so grateful I had an opportunity to call you "Dad"... thanks for being the wonderful man you are...

Love you... and happy birthday!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-10-26T05:13:00.001-07:00

As I spend time in silence and memories of you fill my head, those of being a child and you tucking me in bed.

I often wonder where you are, if you can really see, those things that happen daily in this world where you used to be.

I think of your strength and selflessness and though I try to emulate, the task is too much to fill, your role was much too great.

Losing someone who was such a part of who I am has caused me to reflect, I try to remember what’s important and never to neglect.

I miss you every day and though we are apart, you are always watching over me and you hold a special place deep inside my heart!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!! I miss you so much!

Tears flowing again today...

2010-10-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

Dad, not a day goes by when I don't long to be with you again. I miss you so much... I know I have said this many times before. I knew this separation would be hard... but I really had no idea how hard! I Love you!

Being grateful despite the cloud above you...

2010-10-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I was going to try to adjust my attitude about the mishaps the last few days...

That being said I would like to state a few things I feel very fortunate about in my life:

1. I have amazing friends... people always seem to know when to just send a simple text to check in on a day when I feel like my world is crumbling.

2. As you've heard thousands of times, I am so lucky to have my rock, my best friend, my love, as my spouse.

3. I had the joy of being the daugther of an amazing man who showed me what true selflessness was all about... if I can only be half the person he was I will consider my life a success.

4. My sister... I feel so fortunate to have her in my life... life made us sisters... love made us the best of friends. I love you my sissy scout! :)

There are many other things I am grateful for but I just wanted to put down a few to remind myself that no matter how bad I have it... SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE. I need to stop complaining and look at the silver lining on the black cloud above!

When it rains it pours...

2010-10-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

WOW... I used to think that if you were kind to others and stepped up to do the right things good things would happen to you... after this week I think that isn't the case.

For all my faults, I am a very dependable, realible and supportive friend/sister/daughter etc... I'd like to think that is recognized and eventually good things will come... however, I am just not so sure.

Sunday morning I got a call from my Mom that her water heater was out. Deven and I finished up a few things around the house and headed off to see what we could to do fix it. It was shot, we drained the tank and Deven loaded into the truck. Of course this would happen on a Sunday when you can't take it back to get it replaced. On our way home, I had a micro-seizure... a pretty good one too. I haven't had one for a while. I thought maybe it was stress induced until I realized I was exposed to carbon monixide in my mom's basement.

We finally got home and pulled into the driveway... our garage door would not open up. Deven thought the issue was with the opener in his truck so he hopped out to go open it from inside the house. YEAH... DONEZO... the whole opener broken... all we did was shut it to leave... and it was a gonner. You go to help out someone in need and come back to your own disaster. ARE YOU SERIOUS???

Needless to say my car was stuck inside... and so we just used the truck the rest of the day. Yesterday I got up came into work and was just not feeling it... I hadn't slept really great over the weekend and felt overwhelmed at trying to get the garage door fixed, the water heater replace and installed and felt crappy from my seizure. I worked from the office for a few hours and then from home off and on the rest of the day.

I stopped at home depot to turn in the old water heater since it was still under warranty (even though they didn't make that model anymore). An hour later I finally got everything sorted out, I paid for the "upgrade" and headed to my mom's to drop it off. Right when I pulled up to my mom's to unload it... DOWNPOUR... OKAY ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??? Jim, Dawn and I all unloaded it and brought it inside. Later on someone came over and put it downstairs... but we came over later to hook it up.

While at my Mom's dropping the water heater off I get a phone call that my water has been shut off. MY WATER??? I paid my bill. Lucky me, as my lucky streak would have it... they ran the charge after I had received my new debit card, they used the old expiration date so the bank denied the charge. You'd think they'd notify you right??? Yeah supposedly I got a shut off notice. WOULD I IGNORE SUCH A THING??? I think not... Needless to say 6 hours later and a ridiculously expensive reconnect fee... water was back on.

Then back to my Mom's to install the water heater... first time fittings were missing... off to Lowe's... second time fittings we bought didn't work... off to Lowe's... third time fittings work and we are just about done. Then Deven tries to open a tube using my Dad's rusty scissors... not a wise idea... the remainder of the evening spent at the Instacare... a few stitches and a tetnus shot later he was good to go!

LIFE... yeah it is all about doing good so good comes your way right?

DAD, if you have any pull up there can you tell them we've had more than our fair share this week???

I am trying to use the power of positive thinking... just hope it turns things around because this isn't fun!

My amazing hubby!!!

2010-09-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you are with someone for several years, you tend to get into a groove and just begin to lose sight of how great they are...

MY HUBBY IS AMAZING... I am so lucky I have such a supportive hubby! He goes with the flow when things get a little chaotic. He DEFINITELY keeps me grounded. I noticed that my tolerances are low... and my whining and complaining is at an all time high... yet he still loves me despite it all!

I just had to say how lucky I am to have him in my life... he is my rock... my best friend...

LOVE YOU HONEY...

Just a few thoughts...

2010-08-19T08:29:00.001-07:00

Dad -

You have been on my mind since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I still am having a hard time absorbing the fact that you aren't here with us any more. I keep waiting for you to return from some trip and be able to feel your comforting hug.

I wonder how things are going for you. Are you able to do whatever you want or are you on some schedule? Do you look the same? Do you finally get to enjoy food? Are all of our dogs with you? I could ask a million questions but most of them would be somehow related to how you are.

I have been a bit frustrated lately, and unfortunately I haven't been able to stick to my "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" rule of thumb. Unfortunately people can't just step up and act like adults. I find myself having to babysit in order to keep my promises to you. I think you must have known how hard this was going to be for me because I remember you telling me to try to keep the peace.

I realize that you sheltered me from alot of what you had been doing, going through etc on a daily basis. I know you were amazing... but since you have been gone, I have realize you were BEYOND amazing.

I feel so lucky you were my Dad!

I love you and miss you more every day!
Amy

Gonna be an uphill battle... sometimes I am gonna have to lose

2010-08-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

BOY... what a week. Sometimes I feel like I am in over my head. I just have to keep reminding myself... "it's not how fast I get there... it's not what's waiting on the other side... it's the climb". So for now I just keep climbing... :)

Seagull Babies...

2010-07-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was driving into work, I began to realize that I won't see my Dad again for a very long time. Then I began to panic wondering if I will NEVER see him again. I can't imagine never seeing him again. I am not sure what I believe as far as life after this, but I do know that going on knowing I won't see him again is unbearable so now I live with the hope that I will.

My sister texted me later on in the day mentioning she was at the dump and how it reminded her of Dad. I know that seems odd... but it is the little things that sometimes bring back memories. She said it makes her think of how my Dad used to call me his Seagull baby and tell me he was going to take me back to the dump to live with the Seagulls. I had almost forgotten about that but then in that brief statement, the memories flooded my mind and I recalled this glass seagull Dad bought to hang from the window because it reminded him of me.

I miss him so much, but I am grateful for the memories I have of the wonderful father, example, hero and friend he was to me!

Miss you Daddy!

Will I ever feel "normal" again???

2010-07-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was working out I began contemplating why so many people comment on the fact that I am not the same. I can see that my happy isn't as happy as it once was, my demeanor is a little different. I know life isn't ever going to be the same, and I honestly do feel like a part of me died in January, but I still feel like me.

I have definitely changed my view on what is important in life. I look forward to spending time with my family it used to feel like an obiligation some times, but after seeing how precious life is and the fact you can't get back time, I enjoy what time I do have.

I know I feel like spending time with my hubby and puppy trumph everything that may need to be done around the house. Just to know that we are on limited time makes me feel like I don't want to miss a moment.

I am not sure I was ever "normal" but I do hope that those around me can learn to recognize that I am still the same person. I may never be the same, and although I may be a little lost, I am finding my way.

I want to say Thank you for my "support system"... I love and appreciate that you are behind me with every step I take!

I wonder what triggers it...

2010-07-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dad -

WOW... another morning full of tears. I wonder what triggers it. I wonder if it is because you are near by and I can sense you more or if it is just the longer you are gone the more I miss you!!!

I was thinking about you sense of humor this morning those jokes you'd crack about the ears in the corn field etc... You were always so sure your jokes would make us laugh and they did mainly because we couldn't believe you'd tell them.

Today feels like a Daddy Hug kind of day... too bad you aren't here to give me one. I recall driving over to your house and making up an excuse (not that I needed one) so I could just feel your tight bear squeeze. What I wouldn't do to feel it one more time.

I wonder if people wonder why I am still struggling so bad with losing you... it has been almost 5 months... but you were such a part of who I am that I feel like I am mourning a loss of part of me as well.

The reunion was last weekend and it wasn't the same without you. I made jumbleberry cobbler in your memory... I wished you were there to eat it. Deven was supposed to work and when we got up there his phone didn't have reception. He helped us unpack and then was getting ready to head back to town to work. I lost it... COMPLETELY LOST IT... will I ever learn to control my emotions? I felt abandoned at the thought of him leaving and you not being there... I can't explain it really other than I just felt lost. I told Deven I didn't know if I could do it as he drove away. About an hour later he pulled back up next to the trailer. He couldn't watch me cry...

I miss you sooo much!

Love you,
Amy

Getting ready to go camping...

2010-06-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

Well it is that time of the year for our annual summer family reunion with my Mom's side of the family. Last year Dad was there and still in the middle of Chemo. He was taking care of everything and everyone as always.

This year it quite different. I am preparing to take my Mom and the kids with me. I am planning the meals, doing the shopping, packing the trailer (of course my sweet hubby is helping) and putting it all together for the whole crew.

We are doing dutch-oven cooking in memory of my Dad who loved it... and his favorite was his famous jumbleberry cobbler which is a must... DAD MUST LIVE ON!!!

Wish me luck putting it all together... there will be pictures uploaded to facebook and possibly the blog after the event!

Miss you Dad!

Happy Father's Day... Dad!

2010-06-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

Dad -

I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day... it's our first one without you here! It hardly seems fair to have a holiday to celebrate Dad's when you are no longer around. I know it's not all about me,but somedays I feel like it should be! (I know you taught me better than that.)

I heard your voice on my voicemail the other day... and it made me smile. I wish that I could call you back...

I have had both you and Deven's Dad on my mind alot this week. The time seems so short since both of you have been gone... Have you seen Deven's Dad?

I want you to know that you are an AMAZING Dad and I feel so fortunate to have been able to spend 35 years with you!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!! I LOVE YOU!
Amy

"Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

How I became Dorky Dora...

2010-06-16T08:30:00.001-07:00

Well as a child I must say that highlight of my day was my parents reading to me at night. I recall that most often I would ask for my Dad to read to me... mostly because he did the funny voices. We had these Sesame Street Encyclopedias... they were some of my favorites because of the funny stories. I fell in love with a particular story about the "Dorky Daughter Dora and the Duke of Dundee"... it was full of nothing but the letter D... Dad and I would laugh for hours. He started calling me his Dorky Daughter Dora... and it just stuck.

Here is the story for your entertainment:

Dozens of years ago. In a drafty castle. Duke David of Dundee did dwell. Duke David was dumpy but dignified. And he had a darling daughter named Dora who was a delight.

One day Dora danced through the door in the dear little dress decorated with Daffodils. "Doodley-doo, doodley-doo", Dora sang, as she danced. "Oh, hello, dear, dumpy daddy", said Dora to Duke David of Dundee.

"Dora, my darling, dimpled daughter", said Duke David. "You are indeed delightful, so I have a dandy present for you."

"Do tell," said Dora. "Do describe this doo-dad, daddy".

"It is a dazzling Diamond D dangling from a chain!" So,hanging the D around Dora's dimpled neck, Duke David of Dundee departed through the door.

Although Dora and Duke David didn't know it, someone else dwelt in the castle. This someone was Donald, the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee.

"I am Donald, the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee. I live in a dungeon downstairs in Duke David's dwelling. It is a deep dungeon, a dark dungeon - a deep, dark, damp, dank, dreary dungeon. It is a dump!"

Donald used dozens of D words - which was the only nice thing you could say about him. Otherwise he was a dud.

Donald the Dragon dashed from his dungeon, directly to Duke David's dandy daisy patch. "I am dashing from my dungeon to steal the Diamond D that Duke David gave his daughter Dora," he said.

Donald, the doer of dark deeds, drifted into the daisy patch. Dora, daughter of duke David, saw the dreadful dragon and dropped a drooping daisy from her dainty dimpled hand. She danced directly up to Donald the Dragon and declared, "Well, look who's here - a dear doggie! Hi there, doggie."

Donald disbelieved his droopy ears. "Doggie?" he screamed. "Did you say doggie?"

"Definitely," said Dora.

"Well, I do declare!" said Donald. "If Dora, the dignified Duke David's daughter thinks that I, Donald the Dreadful Dragon of Dundee, am a doggie, then Dora is dumb!"

"But you're the dearest doggie I've ever seen," Dora declared. "Do come and dwell in our castle, doggie dear, and I'll give you this Diamond D which my doting daddy draped around my dimpled neck."

"Don't doggie me!" Donald roared, darting toward Dora, determined to grab the Diamond D.

Suddenly, Duke David dashed into the daisy patch. Diving between darling Dora and Dreadful Donald, the Duke drove Donald around and around the daisy patch. The dismal dragon ducked, dodged, darted and dashed through the ducklings and the daisies until the Duke dumped him into the duck pond.

"Daddy dear," said Dora, "why did you do that?"

"Because that dreadful, dishonest dragon was determined to steal the dazzling Diamond D from around your dainty, dimpled neck," said the Duke.

"Dragon?" said Dora. "I'll be darned! He looked like a doggie to me."

"You're dorky but you're adorable, Dora," said Duke David, "so here's what we'll do. From this day on this dreadful dragon will dwell in a dog house, dine on dog biscuits, and do doggie tricks to delight my divine daughter Dora - or else!"

"Or else what?" Donald demanded.

"I'll dump you in the duck pond again!"

"Bow-wow," said Donald. "I'm a doggie."

And so David, Duke of Dundee, and his delightful daughter Dora lived happily ever after with Donald the Doggie, who used to be a dreadful dragon.

Wow... a walk down memory lane! Love you Dad for all the great memories you created with me!

Missing you today...

2010-06-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

Dad -

I woke up this morning with that empty feeling again. I kept thinking to myself if I could just have one more hug... but I am afraid all that would do is leaving me wanting for one more after that.

I know they say you are in heaven watching over us... but I just wish I could see you, talk to you and just have you back without the physical issues you had here on earth.

A day doesn't go by when I don't think of you... but somedays for some reason are harder than others.

I hope that where ever you are... you never forget how much a part of me you were... and still are. I knew this separation would be hard, but by far it is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure... I am sure this hasn't been easy on you either.

Jessi graduated from highschool last week and turned 18 this week. I remember how much you wanted to be there for both. She is an amazing young woman and I know you are proud of her.

Mom seems to be hanging in, but I just don't know how to truly comfort her. I am doing my best to keep my promise to you to take care of her.

Wendy planted a vegetable garden in your memory this year... I think she thinks of you every time she is out there in it.

I am trying to stay strong... but today I couldn't help but cry!

I love you so much,
Amy

More Tears...

2010-05-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today I called to check on my Dad's headstone... they told me it was there and to come up and look at it.

MY DAD'S NAME STARRING ME IN THE FACE ON A HEADSTONE...

Tears flowed... alone in the cemetary... and all the way back to work!

IMC Memorial Service

2010-05-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for all those people who had lost loved ones over the past year who were treated at IMC hospitals.

I don't think I was quite ready for such things... but my Mom wanted to go and so I attended with her. I did okay until the first musical number. It was "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. That song reminds me of both my Dad's whom I have lost to Cancer... (My Dad and Dad-in-Law)... Tears began flowing... and it was down hill from there.

At the end of the service they read a list of those who had passed and asked everyone to come up and say the name of their loved one. This isn't something I like to do... all eyes on me isn't my cup of tea (yes, I did speak at my Dad's funeral with all eyes on me... but it was for him) so of course I muster up my composure and spoke his name into the microphone "Gary Allen Clayton"... to hear those words still today seem surreal. NOT MY DAD... he isn't gone... no way he was gonna outlive me.

Racing for the cure...

2010-05-10T07:29:00.001-07:00

WOW... what a powerfully moving experience again this year. At the beginning of the race we hear Miley Syrus song "The Climb..." the chorus goes like this "There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waiting on the otherside... It's the climb" It got me quite emotional as I looked ahead to a "sea" of people and my sister by my side. I know she will be here for me as "I climb"... I thought of how bad my Dad had wanted to walk with us again this year, and for a moment I almost felt him there with us!

I finally choked back the tears and walked. As the walk continued... I finally caught up to my dear friend Mandi and her Mom... knowing the support system I have in life it is a VERY powerful thing.

At the end the honored the survivors... WOW... to see all of those brave people who have fought the battle and won. It was awe inspiring. My cousin Laurie is a SURVIVOR... I look at her strength and find it so admirable.

I am so glad I chose to wake up early on my Saturday morning to yet again be part of something much bigger than myself!

Why must I feel the need to torture myself?

2010-04-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

This morning I decided that I wanted to just get a few tears out of the way. I got to work... put in the DVD that was made for my Dad's viewing and just sat in my office and cried. I usually get here a few hours before anyone else... it gave me a chance alone without interuption to just think.

I thought maybe getting a few tears out would alleviate some of this built up anger... YEAH no such luck! Instead it has left me trying to work when all I can think about is my Dad. Sometimes I wonder where I get my bright ideas!

Woke up with that feeling of emptiness

2010-04-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

My cousin's husband's father passed away two days ago. She and I have always been really close. We have camped together, vacationed together, BBQed together etc... My heart aches for his loss.

I have had my Dad on my mind almost non-stop since I can remember... even before he passed away. I constantly worried about his health and always tried to think a step ahead on what more I could do for him. Last night as I sat up watching TV, my thoughts drifted yet again to him. I recalled times when I was a child catching nightcrawlers in the backyard... reminisced of us building the camp fire together... going to Hawaii with he and my Mom... our Disneyland trips... all good memories. It is just amazing how by thinking about him I felt the hole in my heart that was left by his passing grow bigger. I literally felt the pain in my heart.

This morning when the alarm went off, I got up and went downstairs in normal routine to do my cardio and start the day. As I began my work out I felt off... I am not sure how to describe it other than I just simply didn't feel complete. I felt like part of me was in a distant place. I worked out and eventually the feeling started to fade from the forefront of my mind. By the time I went upstairs to awaken my prince charming from his slumber my thoughts had refocused to the tasks of the day ahead.

I know that life must continue, Dad would want it that way. I just wish I could feel his arms wrapped around me in a deep daddy bear hug... I am not sure if it would help sooth the soul or leave me longing to have him around more... either way I think about it often. He always hugged me so tight that there was no doubt in my mind how much he loved me.

I think a vacation is in store... both Deven and I could use a little time away. I hope the weather warms up so that we can take the trailer out and at least get away for a few days since the pocket book doesn't allow for a true vacation right now!

Another death in the family

2010-04-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had to put my Mom's oldest minature Schnauzer to sleep. She has been a part of our family for 13 years now. She was the first of the "pack" and was the source of much comfort to my Mom over the years.

It is hard to say good-bye to a pet. My brave sister was with Princess when she passed. In the few moments they gave her alone with Princess, she said these words " Princess, Dad will be there to take care of you on the other side, please tell him hi for us"...

Thank you Sissy for being there with her. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for you!

Princess may you rest in peace and run free without the health issues you had here on this earth, and if you are with Dad... give him loves for us all!

I heard his voice...

2010-04-07T08:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I was checking my voicemail on my phone, I had just recently bought a new phone and believed when doing so I had lost all of my old voicemails. I used to save every message from my Dad. My voicemail says... you have a message from 801-231-1553... I felt my heart beat slightly faster... "Hi Amy, this is your Dad, give me a call"... Then I hear from October 27, 2009. At first it was like... am I losing it? It was bittersweet I must say to hear his voice again after two months. In a way it was a warm hug... in another way it was gut wrenching because I realize yet again he isn't here.

A lot on my mind...

2010-03-31T07:56:00.000-07:00

I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sometimes wonder why I feel the need to complain. I honestly believe you should only complain about things if you are willing to change them... if not... then why bother. I find my self lately complaining about things that I can't or that won't be changing.

Last week we celebrated my amazing husband's birthday. It is hard to believe that we are getting to that point where we have almost been together more years then we were apart. It has been a journey watching each of us change in so many ways over the years as we have learned more about who we are as individuals and as a couple. I really wanted to do something BIG for him because he has been so AMAZING through all we have been through these past years. He never once complained that I wasn't home or that I neglected things in our household to take care of my Dad. However, my hubby had other plans... he wanted to skip over it all together. We did go to dinner just the two of us... but I just felt like I should have done more.

Over the past few months I really have a new appreciation for my father. He was always a "super hero" in my mind... but now that I have stepped up to the plate in taking care of my Mom... my eyes have opened to really how much he did for her. With my Mom's immobility... my Dad really did EVERYTHING. I am now realizing I am the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Birthday shopper... you get the point. I just need to keep that in mind so I am not scrambling at the last minute trying to help my Mom figure it all out!

Work has been a source of heartache and great feelings of inadequacy... we just began a new venture and it has been a HUGE learning curve. I feel like I am starting over in a business I felt like I was good at... I guess only time will tell if I can get past it all and work it out. If not... I may have to discover a new career to avoid a complete breakdown.

Here's to another day... I keep plugging away!

His shoes are too big...

2010-03-23T07:34:00.001-07:00

I received a phone call this morning from my Mom in tears. She doesn't feel well and my Dad used to take such great care of her when he was here. It is at times like these I realize that when my Dad left me "in charge" of things financially... my family assumed I'd take on the role of "Dad/Husband".

I can't fill his shoes... they are much too big! My Dad was the rock... the glue... the force that we all turned to when times were tough. I am not capable of being "him" it just isn't possible.
I get phone calls about some of the craziest things my family feels like I should take charge of... and I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

When my Dad and I talked he asked me to promise him two things... 1. to try to keep the peace... 2. to take care of my Mom. I am not succeeding at either one... in fact I am pretty much failing in general. My head isn't in the game... it is off wondering what I should do, should know, should be... and it leaves me feeling empty and lost in a huge world around me.

Dad, what I wouldn't give for one last daddy/daughter talk, for one last hug, for one last moment. I always said this would be one of the hardest things I ever went through... but little did I know it would be this hard.

"TRIPLE BROKE"

2010-02-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

Well it is official... my first break down since the death of my Dad. Yesterday on my way home from work my car began losing power... I quickly got out of the busy rush-hour traffic and pulled into a parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, I proceeded to call my hubby. I explained to him what was happening and he walked me through a few possible fixes over the phone. Nothing worked... he decided he would have to come to my "rescue"... and told me to sit in the car with it off until he got there.

I hung up the phone and immediately without thinking tears began to fall... not just a few... but MANY MANY tears. I realized at that moment... my Dad was not around to be the next call I made. Normally in this situation... I would have picked up the phone after calling Deven to get my Dad's opinion (of course I would tell him to not tell Deven I called)... There was noone to call...

I sat there... broken car... broken heart... broken down...

Deven did arrive and "rescue" me... we drove the car home... over-heating and losing power. Still not sure what is wrong with it... but I do know yesterday I was "triple broken"... who knows how many more of those are to come!

I missed my "Happy Ground Hogs" day post...

2010-02-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

I realized that I totally skipped over my "birthday" post which would have included how much I had learned in the passing year... and how much I looked forward to the new year. This year is a little different, loosing one of your best friends/father two days before your birthday, will do that!

I must say that several people reminded me that although I didn't feel like celebrating, my Dad celebrated that day because I came into his life. Having my Dad be my Dad is definitely cause for celebration. I was so fortunate to have him be a part of my everyday life for almost 36 years.

Every birthday since my Dad was diagnosed when it came time to blow my candles out... my wish was for my Dad to make it to my next birthday free from pain. I guess looking back it sounds somewhat selfish... but I just wanted to have him here as long as his quality of life was there.

This year there was no birthday cake... no birthday celebration... I spent most the day in tears over the loss of someone who meant the world to me.

My hubby was amazing... he took the day off. He made me a special breakfast and spent the day catering to me. I took my Mom shopping to get something to wear to the funeral...hung out with Deven... and finished the day off with popcorn for my birthday dinner. I guess they say whatever you have to do to get through the day... and in this case it was COMPLETELY true.

I do know that the year ahead will be full of much sadness as I learn how to deal with the grieving processes. I have lost other people before... but this is MY DAD... it is COMPLETELY different this time around. I hope that I can work through this all with dignity and grace, with an appreciation for the support system I have built around me. I hope to acknowledge the people who make a difference in my life more often. I have definitely learned "don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today..." For you never know if tomorrow will come... If you will have that last chance to say I love you, you mean the world to me.

So here's to being more mindful of each day... may this year be a year of self-discovery and growth...to being 36...

"You're such a part of who I am... now that part will just be void... "

2010-02-08T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am too emotional right now to say anything other than... I miss him so much! I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I drove passed the hospital on my way to work today and completely lost it...

DEEP BREATHS AND ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER...

CHEMOTHERAPY... SUCKS ASS!!!

2010-01-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

I just have a few things to get off my chest...

1. CHEMOTHERAPY SUCKS ASS
2. WHY IS IT WHEN SOMETHING IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BETTER IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO TERRIBLE FIRST??
3. WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT IS THERE OBLIGATION TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO GIVEN THE CURRENT SITUATION?
4. WHY DO I FEEL SO ANGRY AGAIN?
5. WHY MY DAD???

That is all for now! I will wait to truly blog until my mood is better!

Our Houston "Adventure"...

2010-01-15T07:06:00.001-08:00

This is pretty much the easiest way to keep everyone in the "know" so here is the "scoop"...

Sunday - We arrived in Houston, after the plane ride etc... Dad was wiped out. We checked into the hotel and then had him lay down. My sister and I walked across the street to get Subway and brought food back to the room for us to eat. My Dad was up long enough to eat, then back to sleep again. He was in extreme pain, so we just let him rest. We did our thing... (worked out... wandered around the hotel... walked to the Fiesta Mart across the street) my Dad slept. We woke him up to eat dinner in the room since he was still not doing great.

That night... my Dad moaned most of the night. I couldn't sleep... every time he moaned my heart longed to just fix him!

Monday - This is when the hospital "fun" begins... We meet with the "team" at MD Anderson Medical Center. My Dad has a good team there, his nurse is very patient and explains everything in detail to us. They determined they wanted to put my Dad on this clinical trial that specializes in "BONE CANCER". Before this can all be done, we have to do a MILLION tests to make sure he is strong enough etc. This particular treatment involves aggressive chemo therapy coupled with injectable radiation. MD Anderson is the only hospital currently doing this particular treatment. Since we live in Utah, they determined that they would work with Huntsman Cancer to give his chemo here while working closely with them. Every 8 weeks we will be traveling back to Houston to have test ran and results checked.

After the consultation etc with the "team" off for a chest x-ray, EKG, blood tests etc...

That night still no sleep for me, but my Dad seemed to be in a little less pain. He was sick... but was not in as much pain.

Tuesday - Back to the hospital early morning... full body bone scan and an appointment with a support specialist team. This is a group that specializes in the symptoms Cancer patients experience. We met with several nurses etc there and then a new pain medication regiment was decided on. They altered my Dad's medication to give him a time release- type pain medication to assist in fighting his constant pain. They also gave him something to assist with the pain when he has serious pain in between doses.

When we got back to the hotel that evening. I gave Dad this new medication regiment, he slept better than he has in months. Wish I could have slept... but alas I just listened to him breath...

Wednesday - We had the morning off...so my Dad, my sister and I went to see a movie. The day before Dad insisted on walking the "skybridge" because he didn't realize how far of a walk it was. He was HURTING and could barely walk unassisted.

Off to the hospital for CT scans... My cute Dad has such a great sense of humor. Despite his pain, he was cracking jokes about all the yummy drinks they give you before the test and all the fun procedures they do to prepare you! I was laughing so hard... he is SOOOO BRAVE!!!

My sister and I had a heart to heart in the waiting room... tears were shed.

We were at the hospital until about 10:30 by the time we were at the hotel and in bed it was almost 11:30... LONG DAY FOR DAD... and you could tell it he was loosing his "momentum"

Thursday - We had to be to the hospital by 6:30... "no rest for the wicked"... My Dad was super sick this morning... probably because of all the yummy drinks he had the night before.

We arrived at the hospital and met with the Clinical Trial nurse... signed the consent forms... and met with the doctor to go over his results. They showed us my Dad's bone scan... I think my this was not a good thing for my Dad to see!!! The cancer is in ALL of his bones and has pentrated into some of the marrow (he still has some good marrow)! Dad's cancer is bad, we know that, it's not a surprise. However, when it is "starring you in the face" it is a whole different story. Good News... no organ infiltration (at this point at least on the scans they took) Bad News... cancer has become agressive and is EVERYWHERE in the bones...

We finished up with the doctor and headed to the Chemo area. My Dad was awfully quiet for the ride (he was being pushed by yours truly in a wheel chair)... Chemo began. Dad was still very quiet... I don't like wondering what he is thinking so I just plain ask. "Dad, what are you thinking?" "I don't know if I like what the doctor said... how much time is this going to buy me... is it even worth it" The sound of discouragement in my father's voice was ripping me from the inside out. As I sat there not knowing what to say as my Dad continues "I think I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown... and it will probably happen before this day is over". My Dad isn't a crier. I have probably seen him cry 6 times my entire life... 2 times in the past few weeks.

We finished up chemo and then off to the airport... time to go home.

When the plane touched ground my sense of strength began to crumble. I still held it in, but it was becoming more difficult. Deven picked us up at the airport. We dropped Dad off first and got him all settled in. When my Dad gave my Mom a hug, she whispered she loved him... that is all it took and the tears started to flow. I took a deep breath and looked at my hubby for strength and somehow I held it together. We made a list of his new medications and when to take them. Then our good-bye's and then dropped Wendy off before heading home.

I thought I had it all together... then as I was unpacking I just started to cry. I HATE that my DAD has to go through this... I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THIS AWAY...

I hope that this new chemo regiment works for the pain, I can't bare to see him suffer...

Some good news... some bad news... mostly overwhelming. Lack of sleep... emotionally worn out, I sit here in my office this morning and think of my sweet DAD... I LOVE YOU, DAD!

Reflecting on 2009...

2009-12-30T08:58:00.000-08:00

As always, here is my "good-bye" to 2009 and my "wishes" for 2010...

2009 as many years before was a year of personal growth for me... yet again discovering things about myself I never knew. I guess life is about constantly changing and becoming a better version of yourself. I only hope I am becoming a better me! I look back on the emotional, mental and physical obstacles placed in my path and know I still must have so much yet to become.

One of my favorite songs is by a band called Linkin' Park... the song is entitled "Leave Out All The Rest"... the words in the Chorus are what have become so meaningul for me...

"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind
Some Reasons to be missed.

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest,
Leave out all the rest"

The words are something I think about daily as I strive to leave behind "reasons to be missed"!

I want people in my life to look back after I have left this life and feel like I have made an impact on their life for the better. As a result of Dad's health deteriorating, I have found myself reflecting back on my own life... wondering what things would be said about me when I am gone.

In 2010... I am anticipating many more "bumps" in the road ahead... but with them comes growth.

As I say good-bye to 2009, may I never forget...those paths that have crossed mine... those people who make me want to become a better person... and the trials that have molded me into the person I am today.

As I say hello to 2010... may it be a year in which I enrich those peoples lives who enrich mine... may I seize every opportunity to spend time wisely as time is something that can't be given back... and may I be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend!

BRING ON 2010!!!

2009 is almost over...

2009-12-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

I guess plans have changed yet again, we are headed to Houston in January. My Dad and his two daughters... hopefully he will have enough strength to make it through the trip!

I am not sure what 2010 has in store... but I am preparing myself for the rollercoaster ride...

Can I take my last post back?

2009-12-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Well I guess sometimes you get what you ask for... even if you suddenly realize it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday was my Dad's doctor's appointment. I was suddenly brought down to the realization that what my heart had been telling was truly the reality... and I don't like it one bit. I guess it is one thing to tell yourself something but it is entirely different when you hear it out of the doctor's mouth.

We discussed my Dad's treatment and his options at this point. We also talked about the whole Houston Clinical Trial... and the doctor was FUMING that my Dad had not received any feedback!

I guess rather than rambling on... I need to spit it out... but then I am reading the words again... and those feelings I am afraid will come rushing back. I guess as long as I am alone at the office and noone can see my tears I will be okay...

My Dad's doctor basically said... it seems as if all of our options have only made you feel worse not better... and it seems as though despite the fight the cancer continues to spread. He discussed one last option... but was very vocal about the fact it may not help and could make matters worse again. They are going to do a injectable radiation... we were skeptical to begin with after knowing all the complications that arose from his last radiation. My Dad's esophagus was damaged and thus ensued his vomiting and lack of taste... and this horrible lingering taste that is not pleasant at all. The only reason we opted to give this a try is because it is injected into exactly where his tumors are and has little side-effects...

After this option he will have to wait a month to begin the clinical trial, that is if he ends up being eligible. If not... then this is pretty much it.

My Dad's doctor said that if we chose not to do the injectable radiation (but we did decide to do that) that at this point his suggestion was to give Dad whatever pain medications he may need to keep him comfortable... and ultimately wait for the cancer to take his life. Hearing those words... I looked at my father to see his face... the look of defeat momentarily filled his eyes... and I CHOKED BACK THE TEARS LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I looked over at my mom who was sitting on the other side of me to see tears well up in her eyes. I grabbed both their hands... squeezing them tightly.

I think we have known based on recent developments that my Dad's cancer is beginning to take its toll... he rests almost more than he doesn't... and when you look at him you can tell he isn't well. IT IS HEARING THOSE WORDS... LET CANCER TAKE YOUR LIFE... from the doctor that made me realize my instincts were correct... Dad's time it becoming more and more limited. I know he still has more fight... but the battle is becoming tougher to endure.

I want my Dad to continue to fight as long as he has quality of life... but when the time comes that the pain is too much to endure... I hope he will go quickly! I am certainly not giving up on him... and I feel fortunate every day I wake up to know that he is still here with me.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart"

I believe my Dad has much more life to live... in his courage and strength... I gain my own courage and strength. DAD, YOU ARE MY HERO!!

Hoping for some answers...

2009-12-15T07:59:00.001-08:00

Today we go to the doctor... here is hoping for some answers on the next step. I worry about my Dad as he is "resting" more and more often. The littlest things drain his energy down to nothing...

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!

Nothing like the waiting game...

2009-12-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well apparently urgency isn't a word used often out there... and promises of timelines are never kept! I think that I should be used to that by now... but I always hope the next turn will bring something different.

My Dad has been really sick lately... its not good. He used to just be plain tired... but now he is sick and tired. He is still fighting... and I love that about him!

I am really struggling to get into Christmas this year. It's not even just about the current situation in my family. I just hate that Christmas has become so much about expectations. It takes the fun out of gifting... It makes it so it seems like a chore.

I am looking for an attitude adjustment... I just hope I find it soon! :)

Strength... I am beginning to think I've forgotten what that is...

2009-11-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

Last week I spent the week in Disneyland... it was fun to be away from the hustle and bustle that day to day life provides. It was exciting to see the Christmas decorations and fireworks every night... but for some reason... it was rare for me to find my smile!

While I was out of town my Dad had another doctor's appointment... first one that I have missed... and I HATED IT!!! My sister went in my place, I truly appreciate her arranging her schedule to be there and take him! After the doctor's appointment I received an email from my sister... "Hi sissy... just got out of dad's dr's appt. He's doing his radiation right now, then back upstairs for zometa. Dr. Nibley thinks that the cancer is possibly spreading into dad's stomach. He wants him to go to Houston to a cancer hospital there where he can be treated with an experimental drug that is not yet approved in Utah. He feels optomistic that Dad would respond better to that rather than having him do chemo again. Its a hormonal drug, so the worst side effect would be hot flashes which he already has anyway. The radiation seems to be making him feel worse. He would have to travel to Houston every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days. Not sure how long that treatment lasts... I will talk to you more when you get back into town"

Immediately as I read the email tears struck my eyes... I couldn't even tell Deven what was going on he had to read. WHAT HAPPENED TO STRENGTH??? THE ABILITY TO BURY THINGS UNTIL THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT TO LET IT ALL OUT??? I NEED TO SHARPEN THAT SKILL AGAIN APPARENTLY!!!

I called my sister shortly thereafter and had a conversation... if it turns out Dad is a candidate for this experimental clinical trial in Houston... my sister, my Dad and I will all fly out to see what we think about all of it and go from there.

I don't want my Dad to give up hope that there is something still out there to assist him in his battle... but I just don't want him to keep going through all of this in vain if it isn't going to help. DAMN CANCER... WHY ISN'T THERE ANY GUARANTEE??? WHY CAN'T THERE BE A CURE??? WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE??? WHY??? WHY???

Deep breaths... and I mean deep! I feel let down, angry, sad, scared, lonely, angry (did I already mention that?)...

Here we go to the next phase... I pray that the doctor is wrong and that it hasn't infiltrated any of his other organs (other than the prostate)...

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess"

Radiation? Are you sure that's a good idea?

2009-11-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

My Dad called his doctor yesterday, he was told to go up LDS hospital today so they could tatoo him for his radiation. WOW... seems like a speedy decision without any formal discussion.

I think I am somewhat tainted when it comes to radiation after I have personally seen what it can do to a person. Don't get me wrong, I want my Dad's pain to be alleviated, but I think sometimes the "cure" is worse than the "pain"... I just wished I had a chance to talk to the doctor so I felt better about the decision.

Here I go digging deep again for the strength to be supportive and help my Dad through this next phase!

Lost...

2009-11-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

Here I am getting ready to post yet again... seems like I repeat myself over and over... but I think sometimes it is more so for me to actually get things to SINK in.

My Dad has not been having very good days lately, while the fever thing everynight seems to have eneded... another obstacle jumps in the path.

Yesterday, My Mom called to talk to me about Thanksgiving... and said my Dad was in a bad way. I immediately insist she gets him on the phone... and proceed through our normal conversation which goes something like this: "Hey my Favorite Dad, how are you feeling?" to which he's response is always "Oh... I am doing fine" to which my response has become... "Come on Dad... it's me... HOW ARE YOU REALLY"... After this line of questioning I eventually get to the bottom of what is up with him. Yesterday, he was in pain. He was experiencing odd pain in his upper back and chest, accompanied by some difficulty breathing. We talked and he seemed like things were okay.

On my way home from work, I stopped by Rick and Lisa's house (they live next door) to drop off some loan paperwork. I decided to pop in next door just to see how everything was going. I came in... found Roxanne and Phil in the front room and no parent's around. My Mom is always in her chair by the front door... and I knew immediately something was not right. Echo says to me Grandpa went to the hospital they think he may have blood clots. I try calling my parents cell phones to find out where they are and if they need anything... there are NO answers. I call Andrea who drove them up there and got the details. Back into the car and off to the Emergency room at the IMC Hospital.

We were there for SEVERAL hours while they poked, proded and tested my Dad for just about everything under the sun related to his symptoms. They finally ruled out he "blood clot" theory at about 9:15. The ER doctor pulled Dad's most recent bone scan and showed us a picture of where the cancer was.... WOW... looking at "CANCER" for the first time... seeing my Dad's body and knowing exactly where things were... A REALITY CHECK AGAIN. Turns out where my Dad's pain is there is a "high concentration" of bone cancer. They are talking about doing Radiation... but we won't know until Dad calls Dr. Nibley today.

After dropping my parents off, I headed home... couldn't get the thought of my poor Dad and his pain out of my head. I hardly slept at all... "ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

2009-10-27T07:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my Dad's 71st Birthday... DEFINITELY SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE! Still so young... although these past few months the battle is taking it's toll!

On Saturday, I had the family over for dinner and cake/icecream. When the family gets together it is never a small group... 36 total if EVERY member was there, 17 of us were there. It is always a good time when we get together to eat and visit.

Sunday, we stopped by my parent's place to fix the computer... we spent a few hours visiting. Towards the end of the visit my Dad started getting shakey again. Apparently it is now a nightly ritual... Dad gets shakey... takes temperature... temperature is high... takes Tylenol... lays in bed with a blanket to warm up... finally goes away in a few hours. He didn't go lay in bed... but he did have a temperature and did take Tylenol. When I was hugging him good-bye. His forehead was warm and sweaty... his hands cold as ice... and I MEAN COLD AS ICE... my back was cold for about 20 minutes after he touched me.

We mentioned the whole fever thing to the doctor and he seemed non-concerned about it. I on the otherhand can't imagine having a nightly fever is good and that there isn't an underlying issue. I guess we will find out when Dad goes back in a few weeks. Until then... we "just keep swimming swimming... "

Not sure what to think...

2009-10-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

Well here it is over a month has passed without anything more to say! I sometimes feel like it is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling so I just keep things bottled inside... not the best idea... but it is an idea that I pratice on a regular basis.

Since my Dad's last doctor's appointment the issues I'd hope would disappear have been slow to do so... or basically haven't disappeared at all. My Dad's feet are still swollen... he doesn't feel all that great EVER... yeah that is right EVER. He is just plan worn out...

The other night I stopped by to visit with my parents and help them make some decisions financially for their future. As my Dad and I sat at the table going through paperwork discussing the best options and sorting through everything, my Dad said to me for the first time ever since his battle began says "with the way I am feeling I am not sure I will be around much longer"... I sat their baffled that my Dad the postive one through all of this just said that to me. I have begged him to be open with me so I am not "blindsided" by anything that happens with regards to his health... but those words made my heart stop beating.

I tried to not cry at least not in front of him... as we finished up the paperwork I just kept thinking is he warning me? Is it just him wanting me to be in perspective of how he feels? What should I think/do?

On the way home I told Deven what was said and broke down slightly as the words escaped my mouth. My sweet husband reminded me maybe I needed to be more available to go see my Dad, to not loose track of the days between visits... so I think that is the goal for now. Deven is my Rock... 8 years ago yesterday we lost his amazing father to a battle with cancer.

My Mom said the other day... Your Dad never has a good day... I lost it again then.

I appreciate the fact that I still have my Dad... EVERY DAY... YES EVERY DAY... I feel lucky that he is still here... every birthday I wish for him to make it to my next... for his quality of life... for him to be happy!

This next week we go to the doctor so I guess we will see what the next step is...

STRENGTH... BEING STRONG... an attribute I wish I encompassed more of... But I put one foot in front of the other... and a smile on my face!

I LOVE YOU DAD!

Full of mixed emotions

2009-09-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Well today is the first time in a long time I cried with a friend. I guess it is okay to break down every once in a while, right? I have been trying all day to sort through all that is going on in my head. Feelings of relief, being scared, wondering what lies ahead... some days I just feel lost in myself!

My Dad had his appointment for Chemo #9 today (although that didn't happen). My Dad and I are what we refer to as "Chemo Buddies" I have been to every appointment all along the way.

My Dad had a bone scan yesterday to determine the progression of his bone cancer. Today... we received the results... my Dad, the doctor and me... all in a room. As I hear the news I am torn... should I be happy? should I be sad? should I be scared? I look at the doctor for any expression "grasping at straws" on whether I should panic or just know this is another step in the road. The doctor as he looks over the results says... "well it is good news, the activity on the previous scan was healing not spreading..." a pause "however, it looks like you have new lesions on your left hip"... room closes in and I glance back and forth from doctor to Dad.

As a background... I should say that my Dad has been participating in a clinical trial to try to find better treatments for prostate cancer. He has been taking clinical trial medication and been monitored by a group of doctors determining how well the treatment is working. We don't know if my Dad is receiving the actual pill or a placebo instead. Due to the risks involved because there is additional new activity, the clinical trial is coming to an end. Here is where the torn feelings come in, my Dad has been super sick with Chemo, and all kinds of things are going on with his body... No clinicial trial = no more Chemo (at this time)... no Chemo = Dad's body gets a chance to recover and heal... NO CHEMO... GREAT NEWS... NEW CANCER BAD NEWS... processing it... thinking about it... worrying about it... contemplating how I should react to it...

I decided along time ago that my struggles with My Dad's whole prognosis would be something I dealt with behind him... not in front of him. IMMEDIATELY I began pointing out all of the good things that NO CHEMO would bring... feeling back in his feet... no swollen ankles/legs/feet... food would taste good again... energy would begin to increase... ALL GOOD THINGS... I smiled and put on my bravest face. Yet, at the back of my mind I keep hearing "you have new lesions"....MY DAD... NO NOT MY DAD... somehow he will pull through this...

I am sooo torn as I sit here tonight. I am thrilled that my Dad gets a chance to feel good for a while... and praying that he is not starting down a road to continued spreading...

BE STRONG... I MUST BE STRONG... FOR ME... FOR MY SISTER... FOR MY DAD... FOR MY MOM... FOR MY FAMILY!!!!

Tears roll down my cheeks... but I feel grateful that my Dad is my Dad... I couldn't ask for a better one!

I LOVE YOU DAD... here's to quality of life... and the hope that with that comes quantity! I am not ready to let you go! :)

Long time... no post

2009-08-24T07:42:00.001-07:00

Well here we are almost 2 months since my last post! It seems like parts of my life seem to be standing still while others are moving at the speed of light.

My Dad just had Chemo treatment #8... 4 more to go for this round of chemo. He is no longer working which is a mixed blessing. I think work kept his mind focused on other things and allowed him some time for himself to a point. Now he is home caring for my mom and the kids full time and it seems he looks more exhausted than before. He has developed slight neuropathy... and we hope it stays "slight" if it progresses any further chemo comes to a stand still.

My Mom just had another back surgery and goes in again tomorrow for another one. They have implanted electrical "shockers" in her back to help numb the nerve pain. I was surprised to hear my Mom actually admit they seem to be helping. She has really become dependent on other means of controlling pain, that I feared she would be too put off that some of those may lessen or come to a halt.

We had our annual family reunion over the 24th of July. It was fun to see so many members of my extended family.

One of my best friends just got engaged... I am so HAPPY FOR HER!!! She has met a super nice guy who treats her so good... I am excited.

I think that is a basic update of all that has been going on... I will "blog" more later...

In the face of adversity

2009-07-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Seems sometimes the people you are trying to help are the ones sabotaging the "rescue" efforts. After the way things went down at Mom's birthday party... my Sister really stepped up to help me figure out how to rectify the situation.

My Sister went over to my parents house numbered all of my Mom's medications.She bought a pill box and sorted all of the medication out so that it can be done easily by my Mom or Dad weekly. Part of the issue is that my Mom's concept of time is completely backwards and I think often times she over medicates herself without realizing it because she thinks more time has passed that what actually has. It was amazing the turn around in her "behavior" once she started to take the right dose.

Of course, things aren't perfect but you can see glimpses of my Mom which I feared were long gone. We also tried to send a letter to my Mom's doctor since neither one of us could attend the appointment asking him to get permission from my Mom to discuss some of the issues we were concerned about. My Mom's hair and teeth are falling out... and she has some pretty classic signs of Toxic Chemical Poisioning... of course we aren't doctors but the symptoms surely point that direction. Unfortunately, the letter got into my parents hands and they never delivered it to the doctor. I think my Mom was too concerned about loosing her pain medications that she didn't want to risk it! SABATOGED... and FRUSTRATED... most days I wonder if it is worth the fight!

I guess we will see if this additional back procedure will help and if so hopefully the pain meds will slowly disappear!

On a happier note... Deven is back to work! :)

A healthy dose of reality

2009-06-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

WOW... what a crazy few weeks it's been. Life is constantly taking turns that are unexpected.

Last weekend my sibilings/spouses and I went over to my parents and did yard clean up! It was a huge task but with several of us we got the task done and I think they are grateful it is done for another year!

My Mom's health is really going downhill. We celebrated her 69th birthday on Wednesday night... I don't even know if she knew it was her birthday. She was so out of it. She was in the hospital last week for dehydration... and she is still not doing all that well. Mom kept falling asleep and couldn't read her cards so I read them to her, then asked if she wanted to open her gifts she asked me to. It was gut wrenching. I remember not more than 5 years ago when she was up and moving around and still an active participatant in all of the family gatherings. Now her body is physically there but her mind is in another place entirely!

I think I have finally convinced everyone that this MUST change if we want Mom to still be around! I hope in the next few weeks I will be able to intervene and begin working on getting her back to a coherent state.

On a happier note... Deven and I are off to camp this weekend. I think this trip will just be the two of us and Scooby which is much needed for both of us!

Humor and putting one foot in front of the other will keep me moving forward as this battle is just beginning!

Reaching a breaking point...

2009-05-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I have tried to use humor to get me through the tough times.... and for the most part I must say it seems to be working! I know one thing for sure it at least makes me more pleasant to be around. As of yesterday... however, I think my humor is now being replaced with anger!

I just can't understand how children can all be raised by the same parents and turn out so entirely different... not even in the same realm! I am at a loss! Some of my sibilings continue to make the same mistakes over and over like they can't seem to realize that the outcome of their choices will always be the same! IT ANGERS ME!!!

It is also getting more and more difficult for me not force my family into talking about my Mom's dependency problems "the elephant in the room". I had a 15 minute conversation with her yesterday of which I understood 3 sentences. What a sad statement... where has my Mom gone? Is there even a glimpse of her still left? I haven't seen her truly be herself in over 2 years...

My Dad is forced to face the issues on top of the fact that he is fighting a battle for his life. I think sometimes things are easier left unsaid because of the overwhelming concept of coping with it. I know that is how I feel most days... and I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for him.

I think my breaking point is or has been reached... and that there is a "battle" to fight to get my family back on the right track . I only hope I have the strength still left in me to fight this war!

True courage and strength...

2009-05-11T04:22:00.000-07:00

WOW... what an interesting week this past week has been . Dad had his third dose of Chemo. He remains positive which never ceases to amaze me. His blood count is low and so he is going in for a blood tranfusion today. He is struggling to breathe because of the lack of blood to carry oxygen... he hasn't felt really great but tries to bury that deep down.

On Saturday we had the Race for the Cure... it was truly moving to see all of the people who showed up to support the cause. In my family alone there were about 15... Laurie, Kameo, Cierra, Chloe, Mom, Dad, Echo, Austin, Rick, Lisa, Jessi, Deven, Myself, Jennie and Tom. Laurie and my Dad both had just had Chemo two days before yet neither one of them would allow us to push them along the course they walked every step of the way... a true sign of strength. My Dad was really hurting yesterday... but yet he never complains!

My work family also showed up to support the cause and me as well... I am truly lucky to work with such amazing people!

I am constantly aware of the fact that I have been so lucky to be able to surround myself with a support system who keep my spirits up and my feet moving forward.

Am I awake?

2009-04-14T03:06:00.000-07:00

Well let's see... Deven and I have been really trying to focus on my "down" time so that I can keep up with everything that lies ahead. I must say I am so fortunate to have such an amazingly understanding husband throughout this whole ordeal! He reminds me daily how it's okay to feel how I feel and keeps perspective for the days ahead.

Chemo was rough on my Dad for the first week or so... he hurt worse than he has ever hurt. He didn't feel real great either... but he is a trooper and keeps moving forward! He is still working full-time and has amazed me with his strength! His hair fell out and now he is bald... that will definitely throw reality back into your face as now when you look at him you can tell he is sick. He has definitely not appeared sick before this... so this has been a bit hard! He looks much better with a bald head then I would have guessed!

My Dad's next chemo appointment is Thursday... so my fingers are crossed that this time will be easier not harder! GOOD LUCK DAD!

I am excited for the warm weather... we can start using the trailer and get away for short weekend trips. It will be a good "escape" and fun to spend time with my hubby and puppy without the chaos of life.

“Escaping is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

Wow... so that is what they call surreal...

2009-03-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today was my Dad's first chemo appointment. I had made sure to prepare him a "chemo bag" with all the essentials they mentioned that he would need during the course of his therapy!

After speaking to the doctor, catching up on the bone scan results, his MRIs, CT scans etc... the cancer is spreading in the bones but hasn't infiltrated any of his organs which is good news.

Chemo was a surreal experience... my dad in one chair hooked up to the IV and Laurie hooked up in the chair next to him. I totally felt like I was in a nightmare. Two of the people who mean so much to me in life... fighting this horrible disease! Words can't even begin to describe how helpless and angry I felt all at the same time!

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."

Emotionally Overwhelmed???

2009-03-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

I am unsure of exactly what is going on with me... but the last few days have been a bit emotionally overwhelming for me. The emotions aren't even necessarily sad... partially angry... tired... scared... some of it I am not even sure how to explain!

This weekend my family all got together and cleaned my parent's house in preparation for Dad's Chemo this week... it is hard to believe this Thursday is the day. I recognize this might be part of the emotional chaos inside of me... but at the same time... I think I should have much better control at this point in time.

If I could only devise a way to work through this without pushing the people I love away... without feeling mean... bitter... angry... lonely... I just am at a loss! I am sure this is just another phase in this journey... but I'd hope I would have things figured out!

"Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out our courage and strength. "

A moment to reflect...

2009-03-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

I took a moment to reflect this weekend on how fortunate I am... how lucky I have been in life and how many good people I have come to know. I feel like there are so many people I have to thank for the person I have become.

Life isn't perfect... in fact lately I would say life has become a bit of a drag... but no matter how bad I think I have it there is always going to be someone out there who has it worse... and I think keeping that in perspective allows me to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook!

I hate that I am having to go through all of this with my Dad... but at least I have been able to have a wonderful relationship with my Dad. There are many people out there who never knew their Dads and that thought makes me sad. My Dad has been someone who has been a constant in my life... he is someone who could put a smile on my face even when I tried my hardest to be angry. He always knows how to fix whatever is broken... he can provide me with sound advice even if I don't take it. He is someone who I have always looked to for strength... and truly one of my best friends!

I think it is easier to focus on the negative, even when there is positive all around us. But without negative who would know what postive feels like?

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you could miss it."

The date is set

2009-03-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

FINALLY... I know when my Dad will begin Chemotherapy... March 26th is the big day! I am not sure how to feel about the whole ordeal and I am not the one getting the treatment. I am very scared for him... nobody can predict exactly how your body will react so it is all a guessing game as far as how you will feel afterward. Most often times though it is sick... I am going with him to his first treatment... nobody should have to battle this disease alone!

I am throwing a "hat" party for Laurie... hopefully it will help lift her spirits and remind her that we are all out her pulling for her!

In other news... I am loving my job change and things seem to be going amazingly well... doors are opening and I am bound and determined to make things happen! I am done sitting on the sidelines!

The waiting game...

2009-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

While they say patience is a virtue... I am not sure it is one I am in possession of! I wonder how or where I can find some...

My Dad finally got the results of his bone scan which until he sees the doctor consisted of nothing more than "your cancer is progressing"... don't they know what that does to a person... how far? how quickly? any new areas? anything we need to be concerned about... HELLOOOOO you need to be a little more specific! Thus my statement above... yeah I don't do well at this waiting thing. Chemo therapy we know is around the corner... but that too is a never ending question of when. They are asking my Dad to be part of a clinical trial for a new type of drug used in conjunction with chemo to combat prostate cancer. This of course "drags" out the processes as there are extra test etc that need to happen prior to determining if he is eligible to take part. I understand there are processes and procedures... but damn it I want to know the "time-line"

Yesterday we had a family meeting at my house to prepare everyone for the serious nature of chemo and how we all need to pull together to help my parents out in everyway we can... I was worried with the underlying emotions that things could get ugly... but all and all things went well. It is amazing how things like this can really pull a family together!

Laurie starts chemo next week... she is a little worried about the side effects... but she is strong! I am going to lunch with her tomorrow... I look forward to seeing her!

My hubby sent me flowers this last week reminding me that together we will make it through anything... he always seems to know when I am in need of the extra boost to get me through the day... he is my superstar!

"If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself."

Full of mixed emotions...

2009-02-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

Last week Deven and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary. It is so crazy to think I have been married that long... but when you are married to your best friend it just comes so easy! Our cruise was relaxing and most of all it was a nice break from the chaos life has become lately.

On the 13th, Laurie had her lumpectomy... things went well and the cancer had not spread to her lymphnodes thank goodness. She is a fighter... Love you, Laur!

Today my Dad had a doctor's appointment, my Dad has been expressing concern that the cancer has been spreading due to more constant pain in his back and hip, along with a nagging feeling of being warn out 24/7. I attended the appointment as I knew that we were about to take the next "step" in his fight! It looks like it is time for my Dad to do at least one "round" of chemo... I think I have become somewhat complacent due to the fact that nothing really seems to be changing with him... my eyes were opened wide in the aspect of lies ahead.

My Dad is having a bone scan next week and hopefully we will know better the path the cancer is taking and how best to plan the "counter attack".

Emotionally I am trying to hold things together... but today has been a bit rough as reality peeks its ugly head again... hopefully sleep will exist tonight!

"It's not where you've been... but where you are going that counts"

The annual Ground Hog's Day Celebration!

2009-02-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Another year has passed... tomorrow I turn the big 3-5! WOW... half way to 40... hardly seems possible! I still wonder where my twenty's went and I am half way through my thirty's!

This year was yet again a year full of emotional struggles... I still wake up wishing that my Dad's cancer was only part of a horrible nightmare and not a reality! I look at how my Mom is struggling physically to even get around... the fact that my parent's are truly aging has been a hard concept for me to accept!

This past month was a rough one for me... my Dad's cancer seems to be surfacing more (not sure what we are up against yet)... my Mom had to have yet again another surgery... I walked out on my job... my hubby lost his job...my cousin who is the same age as me was diagnosed with breast cancer and her battle is now beginning! Hurtles... keep coming... but like I have said before with struggles come strength!

On a happier note... I had the most amazing trip to Europe with my hubby! A dream come true. I will never forget how amazing it was to walk where my ancestors walked... to be in a place so rich in history!

As I think of the year ahead... I hope that battles will be won... that risks taken will be full of rewards... friendships will be strengthened... family bonds will grow tighter...

So here's to 35... may it be a year full of love, living, and laughter!

Whenever one door closes... one more opens

2009-01-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

Life has taken some abrupt and surprising turns over the past few days. I walked into work on Monday having no clue that by Wednesday I'd be resigning and starting a new chapter in my "career".

I am excited to start this new journey... I know with anything good in life comes risk... and this is definitely a big one. Let's just hope that with big risk comes big rewards is the way this story heads! :)

In other news, my mom had another back surgery. It's hard to say right now how successful it was but if it even helps alleviate a portion of her pain it is a success in my mind.

I think that is all for now...

Where has 2008 gone?

2008-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

Well unfortunately I was not so good at "blogging" this past year... that along with alot of other short falls... but what can I say that's part of who I am.

This year has not been with out its ups and downs, but overall I feel very fortunate. Bonds of friendship have grown stronger, life experiences have been more of a priority and try putting one foot in front of the other has become my motto!

Who knows what 2009 has in store... but I have no doubt that with it comes more trials, more heartaches, and more learning... I guess that is why I have to keep reminding myself that "life builds character"

So here's to 2009... may I learn more, grow more, give more, and laugh more!

50 Years... AMAZING...

2008-10-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, October 1st, 2008 my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. What an accomplishment... you don't see that happen very often anymore.

We sent them on a night out on the town here locally... I would have loved to have sent them on a trip... but lack of money along with what was the easiest physically for them... warranted a night in their own backyard. We sent them to dinner, to see My Fair Lady... and an overnight stay at the Anniversary Inn. I think they enjoyed themselves and I am sure it was nice be "kid free" for one evening.

On Saturday, we threw a party for them. It was so good to see so many of our family come out to support my parents. They really were appreciative... and I think despite the rain... the party did turn out rather well!

Congratulations Mom and Dad on 50 years... I love you both!

LONG TIME... NO POST

2008-09-26T07:16:00.001-07:00

Boy... I am not very good at this blogging thing... but hey at least I attempt from time to time!

Life is hectic as always... getting ready for a month full of parties... YEAH I know insane.

I will update this once life is a little slower... just wanted people to know I am alive and kicking!

High School Tag

2008-08-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

I guess I got tagged...

1. Did you date anyone from your high school? Yes... several guys...

2. What kind of car did you drive? I lived across the street from my highschool so I didn't drive

3. Were you a party animal? Party animal... that would be after high school... I partied a little in high school but not every weekend

4. Were you considered a flirt? YES

5. Were you in band, orchestra or choir? Choir

6. Were you a nerd? More of a dork like I am now...

7. Were you on any varsity teams? Nope

8. Did you ever get suspended or expelled? Not in high school

9. Can you still sing the fight song? Hell No... I wasn't really into the school spirit thing

10. Who were your favorite teachers? Mr. High and probably my EMT teacher although her name totally escapes my mind at the moment

11. Where did you sit for lunch? In my room at my house... I usually went home for lunch... the luxury of living so close

12. What was your school's full name? Taylorsville High School

13. What was your mascot? Warrior

14. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Nope... I love my life now... and wouldn't want to go back and do that all over again.

15. What do you remember most about graduation? Being sad to leave my friends... going to the all night graduation party... then cruising state street unto the wee hours of the morning...

16. Where did you go on Senior Skip Day? Don't think we had one... and if we did... yep I missed it

17. Were you in any clubs? Nope...

18. Have you gained weight since then? Yeah but I was SUPER skinny back then

19. Who was your prom date? I didn't go to any proms.... cause I am a L-O-S-E-R

20. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? Already missed it... and I am not sure I will go to the 20th which isn't that far away... DAMN I am getting old!

oh... oh... oh... oh... oh... HANGIN' TOUGH!

2008-08-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

When life hands you lemons... you make lemonade... (even if it is "hard" lemonade! :) )

We are finally starting to get some answers on what is wrong with my little bro... it is a relief to FINALLY know at least partially what we are up against as we help him battle to get well.

Things are still the same in the other neck of the woods... like a ticking time bomb... we sit back and patiently (or not so patiently) wait for what we know will inevitably come... but with time comes strength. (or at least that is what I am told)

Last month over the 24th we had our Irvine family reunion. It was so much fun to go camping with the whole family.

Our family had a pretty good representation... only two of my sibilings didn't come. I think we are all constantly aware of the fact that you have to seize the day! My Dad seemed it great spirits and while he spent most of his time taking care of my mom and brother (and sneaking Scooby people food when I wasn't looking), he enjoyed himself!

It was our first outing in our new trailer... and we enjoyed it. Deven did a great job towing and we enjoyed camping without the discomfort of rocks under your back or getting so cold you can't sleep. I look forward to many more outings... if we can ever find the time to do it!

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Crazy little thing called life...

2008-07-23T06:55:00.001-07:00

I am not quite sure what to do with myself lately. I have realized that there is this pent up anger/frustration with situations in my life. I feel that lately this irritation is spill over into other aspects of my life which is not something I am willing to ignore. I am not sure exactly what to do... but I am acknowledging it... which I know is the first step... let's see how long it takes me to figure out what the second step will be.

The Ritchie's European Vacation! :)

2008-06-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

WOW... what an AMAZING journey! There is just sooo much to tell that I could go on for days. We had a fabulous time. The flight to France seemed like an eternity... but once we were off the plane we were rocking and rolling... the Eiffel Tower, St. James Cathedral, Notre Dame, cruising down the river Seine. And that's just Paris...

Then it was to the Chunnel Train (under the English Channel) and off to London... again soo much to see... Westminister Abbey... Tower of London... Kensington Palace... Buckingham Palace... Changing of the guards... two days of non-stop enjoyment. We went to the theatre too while we were there. We saw Lord of the Rings... it was sooo good!

After London we got the rental car and toured all of Scotland. I must admit this was my favorite part of the trip... the history... the architecture... it was breathtaking...

I could go on and on about all of the amazing things... I just have to say that this trip is one that I won't soon forget! (I have 700 pictures to remind me... LOL)

When Life Seems too Overwhelming...

2008-05-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

As I promised a friend, I am updating my blog... yeah I know it's been over a month. Sometimes I just feel like all I have to say is a bit of a downer... and rather than bombard people with that attitude I just choose to keep it to myself.

These past few months I have yet again been on my "emotional rollercoaster" but I remain as positive as I possibly can!

This weekend was a good one for the most part... Friday night we went to see The Cure... yeah I show my age when I admit that, but it was a good time. It was interesting to see the wide variety of people at the concert, the band was amazing and it was good to get out and let loose. Saturday morning we went to see Indiana Jones. It was exactly what I expected a fun unrealistic adventure and kept me smiling. Saturday night was filled with friends, a long time friend of ours was in town for the weekend and we lived it up in his honor! Sunday was wasted away by sleeping in because bedtime wasn't until the wee morning hours... then we went to my mother-in-laws for dinner.

Sunday night I received some bad news... a bit overwhelmed by the cards I have been handed lately a break down emotionally was in store. After finally gathering my composure Deven and I headed home. That night was one of those sleepless nights... (one of those is pretty regular so I should just say when I actually sleep at this point) the thing about not sleeping is that it allows you to let your mind ponder things that you don't often get a chance to. I did alot of soul searching and again evaluated myself for what I could be doing more diligently!

Monday was spent enjoying time with my hubby and then a BBQ with the in-laws. It's amazing how quickly a three day weekend can fly by!

10 days and counting to our trip... I think this is just what the doctor ordered to help me get myself "put back together"

"Trouble is part of your life–if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."

Family Bowling Night

2008-03-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday Night was "Family Bowling Night"... not that this is going to be an ongoing thing, but it was just what we called it. My Neice and Nephew have been taking bowling classes and so we decided to all get together and so they could show off their "skills"... at their age this still consists of having the bumpers up... but it was good time for all none the less. Most of us met up and went to dinner before hand... when the family gets together it is never a small group. After dinner we headed over to the bowling alley where the whole gang was together... my parents, all six of us kids, most of our significant others, and six grandkids and one great grandkid.

My parents were on cloud nine. We haven't been able to get all of us to a function at the same time in over a year or more. I took on the role of cheerleader... I think everyone in the bowling alley knew anytime anyone on our "team" got a strike or did well. High fives where going like crazy, and all and all we just enjoyed being together.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family."

My Birthday...

2008-02-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well my birthday has come and gone, it was a great day. I woke up to find presents in the front room waiting for me to open. My hubby spoiled me, I got some luggage for our upcoming Scotland trip, a heart monitor for exercising, and some more work out clothes. Doesn't sound like much to most, but all are things I really wanted!

We went to lunch at Happy Sumo... YUMMMMMYYYYY!!!

Dinner was pizza, we had family over and just enjoyed being together. It was so nice to eat dinner with the whole gang on my birthday. Most years we just do icecream and cake, but this year we splurged! As my Mom and Dad were leaving, my cute hubby thanked my mom for having a daughter... the littlest things lately make me cry!

Later a few friends came over and we got our "rock" on... all and all I must say turning 34... hasn't been half bad!

Another Year... Febuary 2nd... Ground Hog's Day!

2008-02-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe another year has passed. Tomorrow is my birthday... This past year has been one of the most emotionally difficult years of my life. Things I never expected to have to “face” at 33 came into play, followed by the struggle to figure out how to deal with it all on my own personal level. I am still struggling… but hopefully in time I will figure it all out.

From my trip to Seattle, to the Disneyland trip with family… it was a year of focusing on family. Our Disneyland trip is one I will never forget. My niece and I dancing in the street like we were the “shit”… and at the time we were! Trick or treating in the “happiest place on earth”… watching my Dad’s face as he went on the Tower of Terror for the first time… just enjoying time without the worries of day to day and for a moment forgetting what may lie ahead.

I also accomplished things I never thought possible on my own, my bike ride was more than just a physical accomplishment… it was the beginning of believing in me. I am tougher than I ever thought… and in the road ahead I know this will be important.

Friendships this year were rekindled… family bonds were tightened… so as I say goodbye to 33… I anticipate the milestones this year will bring and life changing experiences lie ahead… “I feel free tonight”

Wishing my follow through was better...

2008-01-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

Last night was yet again one of the many nights, I spent lying awake. Mild insomnia is something I have decided to just deal with... eventually it will go away, right? My point isn't really about the lack of sleep, but the many things that go through my mind while lying awake.

Not quite a year ago, I made a promise to myself that I have struggled to keep; in fact I would almost say I haven't kept it at all. It is hard for me to justify why I haven't, other than I am often so caught up in my "me syndrome", that is hard for me to see that I truly do have the time to follow through.

The realization that I can't turn back time, ("cry over spilt milk") sometimes feels like a never ending "justification". With all of that said, last night in the silence, I decided that while I am not doing so well at keep my promise the way I originally had played it out in my mind; there are other ways to achieve the same results, which ultimately at the end of the day is the most important thing anyway.

I am promising myself to stop beating myself up for things I can't change. I am moving forward with a new idea, a way to accomplish things, so I can look back without regret.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

A few of my favorite quotes...

2008-01-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."

"Live a good life... and in the end, it's not the years in the life, it's the life in the years"

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."

"As you begin to live in the present moment, you will experience a subtle but profound change. Your worrying about the future will cease."

"Life gives us time only love gives us meaning."

"A smile increases your face value."

"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

"Happiness isn't getting what you want, but experiencing who you are."

"Life isn't about how many breaths you take, its how many moments that take your breath away."

Happy 2008

2008-01-03T12:03:00.001-08:00

As I reflect back on the roller coaster ride of emotions that 2007 brought, I think most importantly I am very grateful for the "wake up" call.

I have learned to be more compassionate with family, that believing in myself I can accomplish things I never thought possible (75 miles on a bike when I couldn't even ride a mile in May… thanks Dad for being my inspiration). I took time to enjoy every moment I have with family, tried to focus on the future instead of wasting time regretting the past, and most of all remember that the little things in life do count when they are precious… don't let them escape unnoticed.

So I toast to 2008...to love a little deeper, speak a little sweeter, and never take one single breath for granted!

I look forward to 2008, with anticipation... knowing that there are memories in the making right around the corner. This year is going to be full of milestones in life... and I look forward to celebrating those with the people I love.

So here's to 2008, may it be everything I know it can be and more!