"TRIPLE BROKE"

Well it is official... my first break down since the death of my Dad. Yesterday on my way home from work my car began losing power... I quickly got out of the busy rush-hour traffic and pulled into a parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, I proceeded to call my hubby. I explained to him what was happening and he walked me through a few possible fixes over the phone. Nothing worked... he decided he would have to come to my "rescue"... and told me to sit in the car with it off until he got there.

I hung up the phone and immediately without thinking tears began to fall... not just a few... but MANY MANY tears. I realized at that moment... my Dad was not around to be the next call I made. Normally in this situation... I would have picked up the phone after calling Deven to get my Dad's opinion (of course I would tell him to not tell Deven I called)... There was noone to call...

I sat there... broken car... broken heart... broken down...

Deven did arrive and "rescue" me... we drove the car home... over-heating and losing power. Still not sure what is wrong with it... but I do know yesterday I was "triple broken"... who knows how many more of those are to come!

I missed my "Happy Ground Hogs" day post...

I realized that I totally skipped over my "birthday" post which would have included how much I had learned in the passing year... and how much I looked forward to the new year. This year is a little different, loosing one of your best friends/father two days before your birthday, will do that!

I must say that several people reminded me that although I didn't feel like celebrating, my Dad celebrated that day because I came into his life. Having my Dad be my Dad is definitely cause for celebration. I was so fortunate to have him be a part of my everyday life for almost 36 years.

Every birthday since my Dad was diagnosed when it came time to blow my candles out... my wish was for my Dad to make it to my next birthday free from pain. I guess looking back it sounds somewhat selfish... but I just wanted to have him here as long as his quality of life was there.

This year there was no birthday cake... no birthday celebration... I spent most the day in tears over the loss of someone who meant the world to me.

My hubby was amazing... he took the day off. He made me a special breakfast and spent the day catering to me. I took my Mom shopping to get something to wear to the funeral...hung out with Deven... and finished the day off with popcorn for my birthday dinner. I guess they say whatever you have to do to get through the day... and in this case it was COMPLETELY true.

I do know that the year ahead will be full of much sadness as I learn how to deal with the grieving processes. I have lost other people before... but this is MY DAD... it is COMPLETELY different this time around. I hope that I can work through this all with dignity and grace, with an appreciation for the support system I have built around me. I hope to acknowledge the people who make a difference in my life more often. I have definitely learned "don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today..." For you never know if tomorrow will come... If you will have that last chance to say I love you, you mean the world to me.

So here's to being more mindful of each day... may this year be a year of self-discovery and growth...to being 36...

"You're such a part of who I am... now that part will just be void... "

I am too emotional right now to say anything other than... I miss him so much! I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I drove passed the hospital on my way to work today and completely lost it...

DEEP BREATHS AND ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER...