Wow... so that is what they call surreal...

Today was my Dad's first chemo appointment. I had made sure to prepare him a "chemo bag" with all the essentials they mentioned that he would need during the course of his therapy!

After speaking to the doctor, catching up on the bone scan results, his MRIs, CT scans etc... the cancer is spreading in the bones but hasn't infiltrated any of his organs which is good news.

Chemo was a surreal experience... my dad in one chair hooked up to the IV and Laurie hooked up in the chair next to him. I totally felt like I was in a nightmare. Two of the people who mean so much to me in life... fighting this horrible disease! Words can't even begin to describe how helpless and angry I felt all at the same time!

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."

Emotionally Overwhelmed???

I am unsure of exactly what is going on with me... but the last few days have been a bit emotionally overwhelming for me. The emotions aren't even necessarily sad... partially angry... tired... scared... some of it I am not even sure how to explain!

This weekend my family all got together and cleaned my parent's house in preparation for Dad's Chemo this week... it is hard to believe this Thursday is the day. I recognize this might be part of the emotional chaos inside of me... but at the same time... I think I should have much better control at this point in time.

If I could only devise a way to work through this without pushing the people I love away... without feeling mean... bitter... angry... lonely... I just am at a loss! I am sure this is just another phase in this journey... but I'd hope I would have things figured out!

"Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out our courage and strength. "

A moment to reflect...

I took a moment to reflect this weekend on how fortunate I am... how lucky I have been in life and how many good people I have come to know. I feel like there are so many people I have to thank for the person I have become.

Life isn't perfect... in fact lately I would say life has become a bit of a drag... but no matter how bad I think I have it there is always going to be someone out there who has it worse... and I think keeping that in perspective allows me to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook!

I hate that I am having to go through all of this with my Dad... but at least I have been able to have a wonderful relationship with my Dad. There are many people out there who never knew their Dads and that thought makes me sad. My Dad has been someone who has been a constant in my life... he is someone who could put a smile on my face even when I tried my hardest to be angry. He always knows how to fix whatever is broken... he can provide me with sound advice even if I don't take it. He is someone who I have always looked to for strength... and truly one of my best friends!

I think it is easier to focus on the negative, even when there is positive all around us. But without negative who would know what postive feels like?

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you could miss it."

The date is set

FINALLY... I know when my Dad will begin Chemotherapy... March 26th is the big day!  I am not sure how to feel about the whole ordeal and I am not the one getting the treatment.  I am very scared for him... nobody can predict exactly how your body will react so it is all a guessing game as far as how you will feel afterward.  Most often times though it is sick... I am going with him to his first treatment... nobody should have to battle this disease alone! 

I am throwing a "hat" party for Laurie... hopefully it will help lift her spirits and remind her that we are all out her pulling for her! 

In other news... I am loving my job change and things seem to be going amazingly well... doors are opening and I am bound and determined to make things happen!  I am done sitting on the sidelines! 

The waiting game...

While they say patience is a virtue... I am not sure it is one I am in possession of! I wonder how or where I can find some...

My Dad finally got the results of his bone scan which until he sees the doctor consisted of nothing more than "your cancer is progressing"... don't they know what that does to a person... how far? how quickly? any new areas? anything we need to be concerned about... HELLOOOOO you need to be a little more specific! Thus my statement above... yeah I don't do well at this waiting thing. Chemo therapy we know is around the corner... but that too is a never ending question of when. They are asking my Dad to be part of a clinical trial for a new type of drug used in conjunction with chemo to combat prostate cancer. This of course "drags" out the processes as there are extra test etc that need to happen prior to determining if he is eligible to take part. I understand there are processes and procedures... but damn it I want to know the "time-line"

Yesterday we had a family meeting at my house to prepare everyone for the serious nature of chemo and how we all need to pull together to help my parents out in everyway we can... I was worried with the underlying emotions that things could get ugly... but all and all things went well. It is amazing how things like this can really pull a family together!

Laurie starts chemo next week... she is a little worried about the side effects... but she is strong! I am going to lunch with her tomorrow... I look forward to seeing her!

My hubby sent me flowers this last week reminding me that together we will make it through anything... he always seems to know when I am in need of the extra boost to get me through the day... he is my superstar!

"If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself."